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MadKane Humor: Dubya Quote Quiz, Class Warfare Song Parody
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Madeleine Begun Kane
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Jan 11, 2003 15:03 PST
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Dear Friends:
Hi and welcome to another issue of MadKane Humor. And a special welcome
to my new subscribers. (If you got this from a friend and would like
your very own free subscription, just send a blank email to
madkane-s-@topica.com or visit
http://www.madkane.com/email.html.)
One of my New Year's resolutions was to publish this newsletter with
something resembling regularity. No doubt that will go the way of most
resolutions. But as you can see, I'm being relatively good so far.
Okay, it's time for some humor. Here's what you'll find in this issue:
* WELCOME NOTE (That thing you just read.)
* RAISING KANE HUMOR (Dubya Quote Quiz)
* WEBLOG EXCERPTS (MadKane's Notables -- Class Warfare Song Parody)
* MAD SEARCHES
* DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY EXCERPTS
* MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS
* MADPICKS SITE REVIEWS
* MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS
* GOOD-BYE NOTE (Begging you to help spread the word.)
*** RAISING KANE HUMOR (Dubya Quote Quiz) ***
Dubya's use of the English language is so ... uh ... creative, that it's
often hard to tell a made-up quote from the real enchilada. So as a
public service, I offer the first annual Dubya Quote Quiz. Each question
consists of four quotes -- three of which George Dubya really said and
one of which is a fictitious quote straight out of my satirical Dubya's
Dayly Diary ( http://www.madkane.com/bush.html ). So have a good time
testing your Bush quote quotient:
1 (a) "You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a
literacy test."
(b) "They hide in caves. See, this is a different kind of war. And
part of my responsibilities as your President is to remind people about
the realities that we face in America. One of the realities is, is that
these people hide in caves."
(c) "Well, it took a while, but I finally got that Canadian bitch
fired. Who's the moron now?"
(d) "There's only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows,
the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but
having committed the troops, I've got an additional responsibility to
hug and that's me and I know what it's like."
2 (a) "If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that
person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."
(b) "I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd
rather go to war."
(c) "The law I sign today directs new funds and new focus to the
task of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on
weapons of mass production."
(d) "Poor old Trent really put his foot in it this time. And they
say I misspeak!"
3 (a) "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats
stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear
statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will."
(b) "A buncha brie & cheese eatin, wine guzzlin so-called celebs
signed some kinda antiwar petition. Who cares what they think?"
(c) "There's an old...saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas,
probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once...(3 second pause)... Shame
on...(4 second pause)...Shame on you....(6 second pause)...Fool
me...Can't get fooled again."
(d) "It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is
important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children
living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."
4 (a) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take
dream."
(b) "And so, in my State of the — my State of the Union — or state
— my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the
nation — I asked Americans to give 4,000 years — 4,000 hours over the
next — the rest of your life — of service to America."
(c) "There was no malfeance involved. This was an honest
disagreement about accounting procedures. ... There was no malfeance, no
attempt to hide anything."
(d) "I can't believe I still don't have my UN resolution. France &
Russia are a whole lot harder ta push around then the Dems."
The rest of the quiz is here: http://www.madkane.com/quiz.html. And the
answers are here: http://www.madkane.com/answers.html.
*** NOTABLES WEBLOG EXCERPT ***
January 8, 2003 (Class Warfare Song Parody)
In honor of Bush's so-called "Growth and Jobs Plan," I offer "Class
Warfare." Feel free to sing along to "Moon River," by Henry Mancini and
Johnny Mercer, using this midi link:
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/moonriver.htm .
Class Warfare Song
http://www.madkane.com/notable12_02c.html#01_08_03
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Class warfare,
Poverty will swell
If Karl and Dubya get
Their way.
Old dream breaker,
That cruel faker.
The poor who support Bush
Will soon rue the day.
Big grifter,
Wants to run the world
To keep his pals in erl,
You see.
He's driving the Dems
Round the bend.
When will his term end?
He's not the middle's friend.
Screws workers with glee.
Cut taxes
On the starving rich,
Cause wealth is such a bitch,
They say.
They seem lucky,
They're just plucky.
Their fortunes keep growing,
So don't make them pay.
George Dubya's
Right atop the world,
Wreaks havoc on the world's
Esprit.
He's helping the poor,
He'll pretend.
Wants the sick to mend,
On Bush you can depend,
If you're richer than he.
Copyright Madeleine Begun Kane Jan. 8, 2003. All Rights Reserved
(Visit MadKane's Notables daily for more commentary like this:
http://www.madkane.com/notable.html .)
If you prefer to read my Class Warfare Song Parody online and sing along
to a midi file linked there, you can find it @
http://www.madkane.com/notable12_02c.html#01_08_03 . And you can find
all of my song parodies here: http://www.madkane.com/musichumor.html .
*** MAD SEARCHES ***
This feature could also be called "How The Heck Did They Find Me?" I'm
talking about search engines, of course, and the strange search phrases
that somehow lead people to MadKane.com. Now you'd expect visitors to
find me via search terms like "humor columnist," "Dubya humor," and
"political writer." And of course they do. But surfers also land on my
site using search queries that are a bit more surprising. Queries like:
Acupuncture kit
Oilfield trivia
Peep girls
Woodstock 1969 Grateful Dead
Parental spankings teens
To each of these, I can only say "Huh?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
WANT MORE HUMOR? Subscribe to the funny columns of
Melvin Durai, Chandra Clarke, Dave Glardon and Amy Chavez
here: http://www.madkane.com/otherhumornewsletters.html
Life's a Stitch: The Best of Contemporary Women's Humor
http://www.madkane.com/lifesastitch.html
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
*** DUBYA'S DAYLY DIARY Excerpts***
I promised you some Dubya's Dayly Diary. So here are some recent diary
entries:
Jan. 10, 2003
Dear Diary -- I can't believe what a disaster NK's turned inta. The
situation's so bad I had ta let Powell run around makin nice & sayin
good stuff about Clinton's NK policy. And that really messes up my whole
it's Clinton's fault theme! But Condy promised I could go back ta blamin
Clinton after the crisis is over.
She also said I had ta call Zemin & calm him down. So I did & he went on
some kinda rant about the difference between uranium and plutonium & how
I'd better straighten out the mess I made. He has some hellofa nerve!
Note ta self: Ask Condy or Powell ta go over that uranium/plutonium
thing again. They're really hard ta keep straight.
Karl's a little worried about gettin my tax plan passed cause the Dems
are united, fer once. Plus four Senate Republican troublemakers like
Chafee & McCain the Pain are makin a whole lotta noise against it. All I
can say is Dick'd better start earnin his keep today & sell it.
Which reminds me -- Dick's been in a real bad mood lately cause some DC
mag did a story bout all his mistakes. Hey, better him than me! He was
gettin too big fer his britches anyway & sometimes fergets that I'm the
one in charge. Which is why I wouldn't go along with sharin that Time
Mag person of the year cover with him. I'm tired a him gettin so much
credit fer the gravitas thing.
And talkin bout my tax plan, all I can say is thank the Good Lord fer
blind trusts. Cause they make it real easy fer me ta pretend I don't
know if my tax plan would save me big bucks. Pretty funny, since I'm
countin every penny! Plus when Poppy & Mom kick the bucket & the death
tax is gone I'm gonna be seriously rich.
Jan. 3, 2003
Dear Diary -- Every time I figure Karl must be outta tricks, he comes up
with another humdinger. And this time he's outdid himself by makin the
Labor Dept. stop issuin massive layoff reports. So from now on when I
say I've improved the job situation, let em try & prove I'm lyin!
I told Laura we should probably invite Fristy over fer a celebration
dinner. She said okay, so long as I keep him away from India. But I
said, "No problemo! I'm pretty sure Fristy doesn't kill cats anymore."
TO READ MORE "3D" VISIT:
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html.
*** MADLINES QUIZ QUESTIONS ***
Here's my latest MadLines Quiz based on real (albeit offbeat) headlines
that recently appeared in the news. In each of the two headline batches
below, three out of four items are real. Which headline in each batch is
the product of my own "Mad"ness? (You'll find the answers near the end
of this newsletter.)
BATCH 1
(a) Physics problems give passengers something to do...
(b) Experiment exposes tardy politicians...
(c) Ingredient in vampire bat saliva may lead to new stroke drug...
(d) Kiwi golfer blames goose droppings for failed putt in qualifying
event...
BATCH 2
(a) Trail of candies leads police to burglar...
(b) Shrieking macaw saves couple from house fire...
(c) Computer glitches - patients not dead after all...
(d) New Brunswick streaker braves winter cold to bare bottom on city
streets...
No cheating now!
*** MADPICKS ***
Here are some of my latest MadPick Award Winners. I hope you'll enjoy
visiting these excellent sites:
Lifting The Fog @ http://www.liftingthefog.com Barbara Sehr's
entertaining new political humor site, featuring news parodies that
expose "Washington's Foggy Bottom from the Third Rail."
DraftGore @ http://www.draftgore.com Launched by "grassroots Democrats
from across the country who believe Al Gore is the only true voice of
the Democratic Party and the only viable and deserving candidate for the
nomination in 2004."
Albino Squirrel Preservation Society @ http://www.albinosquirrel.com
This University of Texas based organization seeks to do just what its
title says. Sounds fine by me, so long as they don't get in my basement.
FertileOctogenarian @ http://www.fertileoctogenarian.com Features an
entertaining assortment of legal humor links.
ChessLaw @ http://www.chesslaw.com A well organized and comprehensive
law portal featuring legal research and legal education links.
For these and other MadPicks visit: http://www.madkane.com/madpicks.html
And don't forget to scroll down for categorized links.
*** MADLINES QUIZ ANSWERS ***
So are you ready for the answers to the "MadLines" Quiz?
Are you sure?
Okay, all of the headlines in Batch 1 are real except...
(d) Kiwi golfer blames goose droppings for failed putt in qualifying
event... (It was duck droppings.)
All of the headlines in Batch 2 are real except...
(b) Shrieking macaw saves couple from house fire... (It was a
cockatiel.)
If you'd like to keep up with offbeat news items like that (so you ace
my next quiz) visit:
http://www.madkane.com/offbeat.html
That's it for this issue. For more humor about everything from marriage,
money, and cars to computers, privacy, and politics, please stop by
http://www.madkane.com and check out my Latest Humor Page @
http://www.madkane.com/Latest.html. And don't forget about Dubya's Dayly
Diary at http://www.madkane.com/bush.html and my weblog at
http://www.madkane.com/notable.html .
Please help spread the word by forwarding this newsletter to anyone you
think may enjoy it. Thanks and enjoy!
Mad Kane
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Madeleine Begun Kane, Humor Columnist
http://www.madkane.com
Subscribe: http://www.madkane.com/email.html
Contact: MadK-@MadKane.com
Copyright 2003 Madeleine Begun Kane
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