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Poignant Pearls & Potbellied Pigs, December 15,2001
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sheldene chant
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Dec 13, 2001 08:22 PST
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POIGNANT PEARLS & POTBELLIED PIGS
Vol. 2 Issue 19 15th December, 2001
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CONTENTS
- Hello there . . .
- Inside Story
- Hitting the Highways - again...
- Buncha Nuts
- eNonyMouse
- Play Family Trivia
- Getting a Good Friend is a Good Move
- Plants Can Save Your Life
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HELLO THERE . . .
…you with the stars in your eyes, a grasshopper brain and
thoughts without boundaries…
Only two weeks until Christmas and it will be surprising if many
of you can think of anything else. Hopefully you will find time to
read this issue - I'm sending it early because I'd hate you to miss
out on all my hard work. (And to keep the record straight, of
course I've had help from a wide variety of people - excluding
Griselda).
She is so carried away as a result of what she thinks is a 'fan'
letter, that Inside Story is unlikely to include anything else.
On the seasonal theme Terrie Ens has supplied the obligatory
weird and wintry tale (Buncha Nuts), while Michael R. Boyter
shares his ideas on Trivial Pursuits - with an innovative twist.
Almost guaranteed to brighten a family gathering, this concept
could be taken a stage further and turned into a very original do-
it-yourself, anytime gift. Perfect for those who don't shine at
handicrafts, but unfortunately it involves some research so I
doubt if this can solve any present problems this year.
Melvin Durai talks about friends who, as we all know, come in
many shapes and guises, and don't overlook Matt Leppard's
encouraging contribution, Houseplants Can Save Your Life. If
you're worried about the deteriorating environment you'll be
cheered to hear that a treasured aspidistra (or whatever) not
only looks good but could also be protecting you from
carcinogens and who knows what else.
As my husband and I are about to embark on yet another
journey (the hard way) into the African interior, I couldn't resist
writing about some of our more memorable trips over the years.
So if you too are about to set out on a long and tiring drive, with
children, be sure to read Hitting The Highways. It can only make
you feel better.
I wish you all a happy and peaceful Christmas, plus more than
you wish for yourselves in the New Year. See you in January.
öÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖö
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INSIDE STORY
(Such excitement - Griselda got
mail - Ed.)
VERY occasionally something nice happens here to brighten my
day. The timing couldn't have been better because I am down to
my last nerve.
The build up to Sheldene's Christmas break has been fraught -
to put it mildly. Not only have I had to put up with her vile temper
(she's still on a starvation diet) but in addition there's the
shopping (which she hates), the sewing (you wouldn't believe the
clothes she's been ripping apart) - and now there's a last minute
frenzy while she attempts to rehabilitate wrinkled skin. Which
serves her jolly well right. Perhaps we'll hear less in future about
brown fat being better than white fat - and maybe I might even be
spared the rants that occur whenever there isn't any sun.
I trust the family and friends whom she is planning to haunt in
Zimbabwe appreciate the almighty effort that has gone into this
major production. All entirely motivated, I might add, by the fact
that she hasn't seen some of them for several years and she is
'not giving them the pleasure of being able to say I have
deteriorated'.
We'll see.
But to get back to a more pleasant subject. If you read the last
issue you will know all about the Christmas pudding saga. If not
please check out http://www.topica.com/lists/pearlypigs/read -
because you won't have a clue what I'm talking about.
Well I received this really charming email from one of her
'friends', would you believe:-
'My Dear Griselda,
'I was so pleased to read your thoughts on the famous
Christmas Puddings ...After all, I am to be one of the lucky
recipients. Don't you think that you could keep her out of the
kitchen altogether? It sounds to me like you are taking your life in
your hands allowing her to cross the threshold of such a domain!
As for you NOT receiving one of these delicacies, perhaps you
should count yourself lucky! (I'll let you know on that one!)
However, there is one positive thing about Christmas ..at least
you SHOULD get a few days off and maybe even find a few
'normal' people to associate with! Anyway, if you don't get an
award working for Sheldene, don't worry, your place in heaven
will be guaranteed!
Best wishes
Elaine.'
Of course Sheldene became very tense when I showed it to her
and flounced off without comment. Obviously she must have
sent Elaine an e-mouthful because I managed to intercept this
reply:-
'HEY! Don't take it all so personally! I NEED that Christmas
Pudding! I'm afraid I can't retract my thoughts! (And, I
personally, thought that Griselda needed a bit of support!) If you
don't change your 'altitude' I'll have to invite Griselda on the 14th
toooo! Maybe your sense of humour has waned because of the
lack of chocolate? (Ooops, is that you screaming at the
computer AGAIN)
Love to all
Elaine'
Needless to say she hasn't been making any phonecalls to her
great buddy, Elaine, lately and it remains to be seen whether she
does hand the promised pudding over on the 14th.
Also needless to say I haven't received an invitation to the party (I
don't suppose Elaine would dare), but do I really want to be
caught whooping it up with Sheldene and other assorted
'wrinklies'? I don't think so!
Roll on the early morning of the 19th when Sheldene and Keith
leave for Zim - and I can take a break.
(And a happy New Year to you too, dear Griselda - Ed.)
P.S. Omigod she's been sent a Fruit Cake recipe - to try next
year....
Ingredients:1 cup water:1 cup sugar;4 large eggs,2 cups dried
fruit;1 teaspoon baking soda;1 teaspoon salt;1 cup brown sugar;
lemon juice,walnuts;1 LITRE brandy
Directions:
Sample the brandy to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the brandy again to be sure it is of the highest quality.Pour
one level cup and drink. Repeat.Turn on the electric mixer; beat
1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and
beat again. Make sure the brandy is still OK. Cry another
tup.Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the
brandy to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the brandy. Now sift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the
cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the brandy again.
Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway
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HITTING THE HIGHWAYS - AGAIN...
SOME people take holidays and others arrange endurance
tests. Unfortunately we fall into the last category.
For the duration of our married life all our 'little breaks' have
involved travelling, with children. And if that wasn't enough
we sometimes threw in an animal or two, although to be fair
I must admit the pets were never as gruesome as the kids.
Most of the time we were living in Zimbabwe so our holidays
had to include heading for the seaside - 1800km away.
When the children were small we used to load them into the car
as soon as they fell asleep so we could drive through the night in
comparative peace. This worked up to a point, except we were
so exhausted when the cacophony broke out the following
morning that we often despaired of ever reaching our destination.
We soon learnt that supplying the little dears with games and
things was a waste of time. Their entertainment of choice was
continuing the never ending arguments they had at home - and to
do this they crouched in the rear of the station wagon, with their
backs to the windows.
It was amazing what I saw during those journeys. Baobob trees,
the occasional giraffe, an enormous aeroplane wedged into the
backyard of a lonely shack in the middle of nowhere, and even a
camel - which was truly startling. Of course I dutifully reported
all these happenings to the backseat debaters but by the time
they deigned to glance out a window the object of interest was
several miles back - and the endless quarrelling continued.
On one never to be forgotten trip we decided to pacify them with
food - influenced by the fact that their father had vowed never to
enter any sort of catering establishment with 'that lot' again. We
packed up a stack of cocktail sausages, sandwiches, and hard-
boiled eggs and whenever there was a squawk from behind
simply passed out some more sustenance. It seemed to be
working until dawn broke and my husband cast a beady eye over
the back seat
Forty percent of the food was decorating their faces and the
remaining sixty percent was mashed into the upholstery. I
thought 'papa' was about to go mad. Turning viciously into the
first motel we came to, he hired a room for two hours, and
literally scrubbed the car's interior - while I had the pleasure of
hurling the criminals into a bath.
One year we decided to visit Cape Town which was much
further away than Durban, our usual port of call. What an
unforgettable odyssey. Two punctures and two new tyres later
we unloaded our offspring, after dark, into an obscure hotel in the
middle of the Karroo. We were all starving but were told we
could only have tea. We then discovered there was no hot water
and when we climbed into bed the slippery sheets felt as if they
had come straight from a deep freeze.
At about 3 am we decided we might as well get on the road as
no-one was able to sleep. The starter motor chose that moment
to cease operating and we were in the process of pushing the
car down the deserted main road when a policeman tried to
arrest us.
The man was obviously delusional. If we were going to steal a
car did he really believe would choose one packed with vociferous
brats? Fortunately he came to his senses and helped with the pushing,
once he'd viewed our offspring up close. It was clear this representative
of law and order couldn't get us out of his town fast enough.
Before we left home my husband always had the car serviced,
threatening the mechanics with dire consequences if anything
went wrong while we were away. Once they insisted on fitting a
new exhaust and the following morning we set off at 2 am.
One hour later there was a horrendous crash - and most of the
exhaust was trailing behind us.
After much screaming at the roadside we hoisted it into the car
and continued along our route. Now that we were transporting
the silencer the noise was excruciating - to say nothing of the
exhaust fumes which made two of the children sick.
As we were travelling over a weekend we couldn't get the
exhaust repaired but at least we did not have problems
overtaking other vehicles. Everyone who heard us coming got
out of the way, quickly.
It has been quite some time since we've been on holiday but in a
week's time Keith and I will be driving to Zimbabwe - once again
that 1800km trip. For the very first time we will carting neither
animals nor children.
Is it possible we might actually miss them?
Copyright ©2001 Sheldene Chant
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A typical winter day at the Ens Wildlife Refuge ... and
Home for the Insane
BUNCHA NUTS
by Terrie Ens
OUTSIDE, the icy wind whips through the stark, bare
branches of the maple trees. Now and then, it stirs up
clouds of dead, brown leaves and deposits them, in drifts,
on the wooden porch of the gray-green, ranch-style
home.
Inside, the home is total chaos. The 'mother'sits huddled
in front of the large, black wood stove. She seems oblivious
to the world around her, hypnotized by the dancing tongues
of yellow flame. The couple's nine 'children' - the fuzzy,
whiskered, four-legged kind - as always, have the run of the
house.
And it's obvious, they are stir crazy.
Not that they ever go outdoors. All it took was the mother
finding one of her children (Kato, Mr. Binkman) dead on the
road one Sunday afternoon -- the victim of a hit and run
driver - for her to decide that the rest of the brood would,
from that day forward, be House Cats. The mother
vacuums a lot.
The house is total insanity.
Jezebel, an elegant black Persian with too-close-together
yellow eyes, walks from window to window, crying pitifully.
Occasionally, she'll jump up on the countertop and paw
noisily at the blinds. Jezebel is a window cat. They're
all window cats and although they don't go outside, they
love to spend the entire spring and summer months
(except when it's unbearably hot and the air conditioner is
running) sleeping in the windows. The home is one
window short of allowing each cat to have its own.
Bruno - the one his mother swears is a 'three-year-
old-boy-in-a-cat-suit' -- is sitting on the back of one of the
chairs, busily pruning a hanging plant. Leaves litter the floor
around the base of the chair. Bruno takes his
gardening very seriously.
Schatzi (the tortoiseshell calico matriarch of the family) is
engaged in a hissing battle with Ash, a bean-headed, tiny-faced
blue Persian. Both of them hate cats and have suddenly seemed
to realize the house is full of them. They seem to think that a
good place to begin the annihilation process is with each other.
Gershwin, a normally timid boy of beige and white coloring, is
busy in the kitchen. He's decided that a serious housecleaning
is in order and is busy ridding the tops of the cabinets of all their
décor. Wooden spools, a copper teakettle and several silk plants
have already been thrown to the floor. A wooden cat figurine has
been selected as the next unfortunate victim to be pushed to its
death.
Fatty Cat (whose real name is Sissy) and her equally fat
daughter, Tulip, have laid out an invisible race track which runs
through the entire house. With Sissy in the lead, the two make a
mad dash through the kitchen, bang into the side of the cat door,
which allows them entrance to the basement, and tumble down
the stairs. Soon there is a racket as they again hit the cat door
and retrace their steps.
This time, Tulip is being chased and in the middle of the hallway,
Sissy catches her. There is a screaming frenzy as the two
tumble down the hall, leaving patches of fur in their wake.
Kobe sits on the floor next to his mother, eyes closed, soaking
up the warmth of the stove. Without warning, he suddenly emits
a kind of chirping sound, jumps straight into the air and takes off
running, full speed, and skids into the living room wall. Kobe does
this a lot. Kobe is Siamese.
Meanwhile, Sebastian (alias Mr. Bigface - another blue Persian)
has again gone mental and is walking from room to room,
mumbling to himself, and carrying a fuzzy, green toy mouse in
his mouth. He is also prone to talking to plastic straws.
Poor Mr. Seebs. He is the couple's Special Child. They suspect
he is dyslexic. In full motion, he never quite navigates the
opening of the cat door without first slamming into the side. He
can look straight at a toy in a box, but reaches way over to one
side when he tries to retrieve it. Poor Mr. Seebs.
The woman rises to her feet, and proceeds to the guestroom.
She sits down in front of the computer, thinking that, perhaps,
she will try to write something.
Instantly, Bruno is on her lap. On the desk. On the keyboard. Not
a chance. She returns to the stove.
The woman sits, eyes glued to the flames, remembering a time
when the weather was warm. Flowers were blooming, birds
were singing. And the windows were open.
It's going to be a long winter.
© Copyright 2001 Terrie Ens
___________________________________
A freelance writer whose work tends to take an offbeat,
off-the-wall view of the world and its inhabitants, Terrie Ens
also works in an elementary school setting as a Sign
Language Interpreter. She and her husband share their
home in Kansas with 10 cats and four birds ... where Ens
also spends a great deal of time cleaning.
öÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖö
eNonyMouse...
...getting in the Christmas
swing...
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE;
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You become Santa Claus.
4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
Hope this puts a smile on your face
öÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖö
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öÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖö
PLAY FAMILY TRIVIA
suggests Michael R. Boyter
DO you remember the game Trivial Pursuit?
Imagine if there was a version made just for your family! How do
you think you'd do? How good were you at the original game?
I can remember making up all kinds of excuses for when I didn't
know the answers. I would discount my lack of answers by
saying something like 'How am I suppose to know that stuff?'
Well, if the questions were based purely on an individual's family
history, what kind of excuse could be used?
This game would best be played at a family get together and it
would be a combined effort of several in your family. You could
work on it a couple different ways...
One way would be to sit down with a few immediate family
members and write as many questions (that only family would
know) as you can think of on an index card...one question per
card.
As resources for information, items such as high school year
books, journals and old home movies could be utilized.
Before you know it, you'd have quite a stack of cards with
your family trivia/history on them.
Then, at a family gathering, use them in much the same fashion
as the original Trivial Pursuit game.
The second way would be to give 5-10 cards to each family
member as they are gathered together.
Give them a few minutes before the game is started to write
down some questions about themselves and some about other
members of the family...You may want to make some easy
questions and others with the intent to stump the rest of the
family.
This is a unique way of preserving family history and it gets your
family members involved.
I guarantee a good time!
Keep in mind that the whole reason for any of the questions
would be to stir up fond memories from your family's past.
My family has tried this and it was a great time.
A few bits of advice...
1) Have a video or audio tape going as you play. Many stories will
be told that may never told again.
2) Don't throw those index cards away when you are finished
with the game. Write the answer on them and save them.
3) Have the questions, answers and stories told typed up and
have copies distributed to all the family.
This information, if preserved, can and should be passed down
to future generations of your family. By making multiple copies,
you ensure that the only copy isn't accidently destroyed or lost!
This is one of the most fun and easy ways to finally get some of
your parents and/or grandparents stories preserved!
Copyright 2001 Michael R. Boyter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michael R. Boyter is the author of the popular e-book
MemoryGrabber. Over 500 questions and activities that
make writing your life story simple and enjoyable.
http://www.memorygrabber.com
FREE 6 Day LifeStory Writing Course
http://www.familyhistoryproducts.com/bin/ap.pl?triv
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GETTING A GOOD FRIEND IS A GOOD MOVE
says Melvin Durai
I RECENTLY moved into a new home, an exhausting task of
lifting and loading that made me realize that I need more
friends -- big, strong, energetic friends.
From now on, I'm not allowing just any old bum to become my
friend. I'm going to evaluate potential friends using the
criteria below:
---Must weigh at least 200 pounds and be able to lift 300 pounds,
preferably with each arm. Preference will be given to
bodybuilders, weightlifters, and former attorney generals.
---Must not suffer from any 'back conditions,' including back pain,
back spasms and the tendency to back away from physical
activity.
---Must be able to read simple instructions on boxes such as
'keep upright,' 'keep in a cool place,' and 'keep working, you lazy
butt!'
---Must be able to figure out how to get a wide sofa through a
narrow doorway without requesting a saw. Anyone who asks
if the sofa can be lowered into the house through the chimney is
automatically disqualified.
If I can find a few friends who fit these criteria, I won't have any
trouble moving again. I won't need to have conversations like
this:
Me: 'Can you please help me move this Saturday?'
Friend: 'Get off your knees! You're embarrassing me. I can't
help you on Saturday, because it's the Sabbath. I'm not
supposed to work.'
Me: 'Wait a minute. Aren't you a Hindu?'
Friend: 'Not exactly. I'm a Jewish Hindu. I like both
religions.'
Me: 'In that case, can you help me on Sunday?'
Friend: 'Sorry, I can't. I'm observing Ramadan this month.'
Me: 'Ramadan? I thought that's for Muslims.'
Friend: 'Yes, but since the name of the Hindu god Rama
appears in Ramadan, I thought I'd observe that, too.
Just in case.'
Me: 'Do you know what else appears in Ramadan? A
three-letter description of you: MAD.'
Actually, most of my friends never make such excuses. They're
always eager to help me move, especially if I'm moving far from
them.
Yes, I have some really good friends, friends I can count on. Just
the other day, when my car almost died, one of my friends lent
me a cell phone, while another lent me a car. They didn't even
ask me to sign anything. With friends like them, who needs Rent-
A-Center?
Over the years, I've had all kinds of 'friends.' Some are worth
keeping a few decades, others a few seconds. Some are
superficial, others are just super. Some keep lending, others
keep borrowing.
Many of the so-called friends weren't real friends. Indeed, the
word 'friend' is one of the most misused words in the dictionary.
Many people use it so loosely. Just introduce yourself to them
and suddenly you're their 'friend,' even though they don't know
your email address. They take the liberty of calling you 'buddy' or
'pal' or 'dude.' They start asking you personal questions, such as
what you think of Anna Kournikova and isn't she the best thing to
happen to tennis since the invention of the ball?
Truth is, a good friendship takes years to develop. You invest
time, energy and money into it and eventually you have
something special, something that will give you more joy than a
Sony PlayStation. At least in the long run.
If there's one thing I've learned about friendships, it's this: It's
better to have one good pal than a thousand lousy pals. Good
friends are worth their weight in gold -- especially if they weigh
200 pounds and can lift 300.
(c) Copyright 2001 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved
______________________________
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he
grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early
1980s.Through the Internet, his column is read by
thousands of people in more than 70 countries.
For a free subscription to one of America's most
entertaining and thought-provoking columns, send a
blank message to mailto:durai-h-@mail-list.com
or go to http://www.melvindurai.com
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<mailto:pigchat-s-@topica.com>.
öÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööOo
HOUSEPLANTS MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE
by Matt Leppard
WHEN it comes to hobbies, many homeowners really can't
be bothered with do-it-yourself, jungle-clearance in the garden,
or even keeping a pet. But there's one hobby - if you can call
it that - which nearly everyone does,but nobody really
thinks about.
Ask yourself these questions: how many plants have you got
in your house? How much attention do you give them? Do you
ponder about their placement and arrangement? You may be
surprised at some of your answers.
The urge to bring nature inside our homes is almost universal -
after all, what do you do every Christmas? Well, personally I
use an artificial tree, but the principle is the same, with the
origins of this ritual extending well before Christianity. Some
people like the look and feel of cut flowers and other floral
decorations in their homes, while others prefer huge, living
yuccas.
But did you know that plants can actually improve your health
or even save your life?
Britain's Prince Charles used to be ridiculed in the press for
talking to plants, but in actual fact, this may not be so wacky after
all. First off, as a natural by-product of photosynthesis, oxygen
levels in the microclimates around plants can be greater than in
surrounding areas, giving you a natural lift. Of course, in
breathing you expel carbon dioxide, which plants use in
photosynthesis, so talking to them also benefits the plants.
Your home is killing you!
While the above may seem like wishy-washy speculation, there
is also very real evidence that indoor plants may benefit humans
in a far more important way: by cleaning the air of harmful
chemicals. With the increasing use of synthetic materials in the
mass manufacture of appliances and furnishings, indoor air
pollution can represent a major portion of the public's exposure
to air pollution and may pose serious health risks according to
the US Environmental Protection Agency.
Formaldehyde derivatives, for example, are used as adhesives in
the manufacture of particle board, fibreboard, and plywood.
Formaldehyde is also classed as a carcinogen (cancer-causing
chemical) according to the Sixth Annual Report on Carcinogens
published by the National Toxicology Program of the US
Department of Health and Human Services.
The evidence for a possible involvement of formaldehyde in
cancers is strongest for nasal and throat cancer since the nose
and mouth come into direct contact with formaldehyde through
inhalation. Exposure to formaldehyde also irritates the eyes,
nose, and throat, and can cause skin and lung allergies.
Benzene is also a known carcinogen and is used to make some
types of plastics, liquid detergents, synthetic rubbers and fibres,
and adhesives. Exposure to benzene has been shown to cause
leukemia, tumours, anaemia, as well as chromosomal damage.
Green air is clean air
Luckily, someone somewhere has been looking into this
potentially lethal problem, and that someone may surprise you. In
association with Associated Landscape Contractors of the US,
space research facility NASA has been studying whether
ornamental plants can remove key pollutants such as benzene
and formaldehyde in both terrestrial and space environments. Its
research proved so conclusive that some of these plants will be
launched into space aboard future space stations.
While the list below is a brief summary of NASA's results, it
should be remembered that most plants possess this cleaning
ability to some degree:
- Aglaonema sp.(Chinese Evergreen). As well as a general
purifier, Chinese Evergreens have large leaf areas that allow
them to tolerate full shade, so you can place them anywhere in
your home.
- Aloe barbadensis (Aloe Vera). Aloe has been shown to be very
efficient at the removal of formaldehyde and it is also known for
its healing properties.
- Chlorophytum comosum (Spider Plant). Spider plants are one
of the best plants for cleaning formaldehyde from the air. They
thrive in bright but indirect light.
- Chrysanthemum sp. (Chrysanthemum/Mum). These colourful
flowering plants have been shown by NASA to be highly effective
in the removal of benzene.
- Gerbera sp. (Gerbera Daisy). Like Chrysanthemums, Gerberas
are effective in the removal of benzene from indoor air, and like
most flowering plants, they prefer bright light.
- Philidendron sp. (Philidendron). These are among the best
plants for cleaning formaldehyde from indoor air, especially at
high concentrations. However, they are poisonous, so exercise
caution.
The chances are your local greenhouse or plant supplier won't
know which plants are best for which chemicals, but they will be
able to supply you with good-quality plants. You should also
make sure you know the plant's light and dietary requirements.
Copyright 2001 Matt Leppard
_______________________________________
Matt Leppard is Editor and a content producer for
Global Estate (http://www.globalestate.com), the
first portal site designed to cater exclusively to real
estate. The site includes property listings, news, and
advice articles on everything from buying a home to
eliminating household pests to using the Internet to
find a home.
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<br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><b>POIGNANT
PEARLS & POTBELLIED PIGS<br><br>
<x-tab> </x-tab>
Vol. 2 Issue 19 15th December,
2001<br><br>
</b>:<br>
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<br>
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and we respect<br>
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<br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab>
<b>CONTENTS<br><br>
</b><x-tab> </x-tab>-
Hello there . . .<br><br>
- Inside Story<br><br>
<x-tab> </x-tab>- Hitting
the Highways - again...<br><br>
- Buncha Nuts<br><br>
- eNonyMouse<br><br>
- Play Family
Trivia<br><br>
- Getting a Good Friend
is a Good Move<br><br>
- Plants Can Save Your
Life<br><br>
<br>
öÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖö<br><br>
<br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab>
<b>HELLO THERE . . .<br><br>
</b>…you with the stars in your eyes, a grasshopper brain and<br>
thoughts without boundaries…<br><br>
Only two weeks until Christmas and it will be surprising if many<br>
of you can think of anything else. Hopefully you will find time
to<br>
read this issue - I'm sending it early because I'd hate you to miss<br>
out on all my hard work. (And to keep the record straight, of<br>
course I've had help from a wide variety of people - excluding<br>
Griselda).<br><br>
She is so carried away as a result of what she thinks is a 'fan'<br>
letter, that Inside Story is unlikely to include anything else.<br><br>
On the seasonal theme Terrie Ens has supplied the obligatory<br>
weird and wintry tale (Buncha Nuts), while Michael R. Boyter<br>
shares his ideas on Trivial Pursuits - with an innovative
twist.<br>
Almost guaranteed to brighten a family gathering, this concept<br>
could be taken a stage further and turned into a very original do-<br>
it-yourself, anytime gift. Perfect for those who don't shine at<br>
handicrafts, but unfortunately it involves some research so I<br>
doubt if this can solve any present problems this year.<br><br>
Melvin Durai talks about friends who, as we all know, come in<br>
many shapes and guises, and don't overlook Matt Leppard's<br>
encouraging contribution, Houseplants Can Save Your Life. If<br>
you're worried about the deteriorating environment you'll be<br>
cheered to hear that a treasured aspidistra (or whatever) not<br>
only looks good but could also be protecting you from<br>
carcinogens and who knows what else.<br><br>
As my husband and I are about to embark on yet another<br>
journey (the hard way) into the African interior, I couldn't resist<br>
writing about some of our more memorable trips over the
years.<br>
So if you too are about to set out on a long and tiring drive, with<br>
children, be sure to read Hitting The Highways. It can only make<br>
you feel better.<br><br>
I wish you all a happy and peaceful Christmas, plus more than<br>
you wish for yourselves in the New Year. See you in
January.<br><br>
öÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖö<br><br>
NEWBIES, NERDS & NITWITS<br><br>
'Support' ezine for everyone needing a helping<br>
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<br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab>
<b>INSIDE STORY<br><br>
</b>
<i>(Such excitement - Griselda got<br>
mail - Ed.)<br><br>
</i>VERY occasionally something nice happens here to brighten my<br>
day. The timing couldn't have been better because I am down
to<br>
my last nerve.<br><br>
The build up to Sheldene's Christmas break has been fraught -<br>
to put it mildly. Not only have I had to put up with her vile
temper<br>
(she's still on a starvation diet) but in addition there's the<br>
shopping (which she hates), the sewing (you wouldn't believe the<br>
clothes she's been ripping apart) - and now there's a last minute<br>
frenzy while she attempts to rehabilitate wrinkled skin.
Which<br>
serves her jolly well right. Perhaps we'll hear less in future
about<br>
brown fat being better than white fat - and maybe I might even be<br>
spared the rants that occur whenever there isn't any sun.<br><br>
I trust the family and friends whom she is planning to haunt in<br>
Zimbabwe appreciate the almighty effort that has gone into this<br>
major production. All entirely motivated, I might add, by the
fact<br>
that she hasn't seen some of them for several years and she is<br>
'not giving them the pleasure of being able to say I have<br>
deteriorated'.<br><br>
We'll see.<br><br>
But to get back to a more pleasant subject. If you read the
last<br>
issue you will know all about the Christmas pudding saga. If not<br>
please check out
<a href="http://www.topica.com/lists/pearlypigs/read" eudora="autourl">http://www.topica.com/lists/pearlypigs/read</a>
-<br>
because you won't have a clue what I'm talking about.<br><br>
Well I received this really charming email from one of her<br>
'friends', would you believe:-<br><br>
'My Dear Griselda,<br>
'I was so pleased to read your thoughts on the famous<br>
Christmas Puddings ...After all, I am to be one of the lucky<br>
recipients. Don't you think that you could keep her out of the<br>
kitchen altogether? It sounds to me like you are taking your life in<br>
your hands allowing her to cross the threshold of such a domain!<br>
As for you NOT receiving one of these delicacies, perhaps you<br>
should count yourself lucky! (I'll let you know on that one!)<br>
However, there is one positive thing about Christmas ..at least<br>
you SHOULD get a few days off and maybe even find a few<br>
'normal' people to associate with! Anyway, if you don't get an<br>
award working for Sheldene, don't worry, your place in heaven<br>
will be guaranteed!<br>
Best wishes<br>
Elaine.'<br><br>
Of course Sheldene became very tense when I showed it to her<br>
and flounced off without comment. Obviously she must have<br>
sent Elaine an e-mouthful because I managed to intercept this<br>
reply:-<br><br>
'HEY! Don't take it all so personally! I NEED that Christmas<br>
Pudding! I'm afraid I can't retract my thoughts! (And, I<br>
personally, thought that Griselda needed a bit of support!) If you<br>
don't change your 'altitude' I'll have to invite Griselda on the 14th<br>
toooo! Maybe your sense of humour has waned because of the<br>
lack of chocolate? (Ooops, is that you screaming at the<br>
computer AGAIN)<br>
Love to all<br>
Elaine'<br><br>
Needless to say she hasn't been making any phonecalls to her<br>
great buddy, Elaine, lately and it remains to be seen whether she<br>
does hand the promised pudding over on the 14th.<br><br>
Also needless to say I haven't received an invitation to the party (I<br>
don't suppose Elaine would dare), but do I really want to be<br>
caught whooping it up with Sheldene and other assorted<br>
'wrinklies'? I don't think so!<br><br>
Roll on the early morning of the 19th when Sheldene and Keith<br>
leave for Zim - and I can take a break.<br><br>
<i>(And a happy New Year to you too, dear Griselda - Ed.)<br><br>
</i>P.S. Omigod she's been sent a Fruit Cake recipe - to try next<br>
year....<br><br>
Ingredients:1 cup water:1 cup sugar;4 large eggs,2 cups dried<br>
fruit;1 teaspoon baking soda;1 teaspoon salt;1 cup brown sugar;<br>
lemon juice,walnuts;1 LITRE brandy<br><br>
Directions:<br>
Sample the brandy to check for quality. Take a large bowl.<br>
Check the brandy again to be sure it is of the highest quality.Pour<br>
one level cup and drink. Repeat.Turn on the electric mixer; beat<br>
1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and<br>
beat again. Make sure the brandy is still OK. Cry another<br>
tup.Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in<br>
the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.If the fried druit gets stuck<br>
in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the<br>
brandy to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or<br>
something. Who cares? Check the brandy. Now sift the lemon<br>
juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or<br>
something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the<br>
cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.<br>
Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the brandy again.<br>
Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway<br><br>
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<b>HITTING THE HIGHWAYS - AGAIN...<br><br>
</b>SOME people take holidays and others arrange endurance<br>
tests. Unfortunately we fall into the last category.<br><br>
For the duration of our married life all our 'little breaks' have<br>
involved travelling, with children. And if that wasn't enough<br>
we sometimes threw in an animal or two, although to be fair<br>
I must admit the pets were never as gruesome as the kids.<br><br>
Most of the time we were living in Zimbabwe so our holidays<br>
had to include heading for the seaside - 1800km away.<br>
When the children were small we used to load them into the car<br>
as soon as they fell asleep so we could drive through the night in<br>
comparative peace. This worked up to a point, except we were<br>
so exhausted when the cacophony broke out the following<br>
morning that we often despaired of ever reaching our destination.<br><br>
We soon learnt that supplying the little dears with games and<br>
things was a waste of time. Their entertainment of choice was<br>
continuing the never ending arguments they had at home - and to<br>
do this they crouched in the rear of the station wagon, with their<br>
backs to the windows.<br><br>
It was amazing what I saw during those journeys. Baobob trees,<br>
the occasional giraffe, an enormous aeroplane wedged into the<br>
backyard of a lonely shack in the middle of nowhere, and even a<br>
camel - which was truly startling. Of course I dutifully reported<br>
all these happenings to the backseat debaters but by the time<br>
they deigned to glance out a window the object of interest was<br>
several miles back - and the endless quarrelling continued.<br><br>
On one never to be forgotten trip we decided to pacify them with<br>
food - influenced by the fact that their father had vowed never to<br>
enter any sort of catering establishment with 'that lot' again. We<br>
packed up a stack of cocktail sausages, sandwiches, and hard-<br>
boiled eggs and whenever there was a squawk from behind<br>
simply passed out some more sustenance. It seemed to be<br>
working until dawn broke and my husband cast a beady eye over<br>
the back seat<br><br>
Forty percent of the food was decorating their faces and the<br>
remaining sixty percent was mashed into the upholstery. I<br>
thought 'papa' was about to go mad. Turning viciously into the<br>
first motel we came to, he hired a room for two hours, and<br>
literally scrubbed the car's interior - while I had the pleasure of<br>
hurling the criminals into a bath.<br><br>
One year we decided to visit Cape Town which was much<br>
further away than Durban, our usual port of call. What an<br>
unforgettable odyssey. Two punctures and two new tyres later<br>
we unloaded our offspring, after dark, into an obscure hotel in the<br>
middle of the Karroo. We were all starving but were told we<br>
could only have tea. We then discovered there was no hot water<br>
and when we climbed into bed the slippery sheets felt as if they<br>
had come straight from a deep freeze.<br><br>
At about 3 am we decided we might as well get on the road as<br>
no-one was able to sleep. The starter motor chose that moment<br>
to cease operating and we were in the process of pushing the<br>
car down the deserted main road when a policeman tried to<br>
arrest us.<br><br>
The man was obviously delusional. If we were going to steal a<br>
car did he really believe would choose one packed with vociferous <br>
brats? Fortunately he came to his senses and helped with the pushing, <br>
once he'd viewed our offspring up close. It was clear this representative <br>
of law and order couldn't get us out of his town fast enough.<br><br>
Before we left home my husband always had the car serviced,<br>
threatening the mechanics with dire consequences if anything<br>
went wrong while we were away. Once they insisted on fitting a<br>
new exhaust and the following morning we set off at 2 am.<br><br>
One hour later there was a horrendous crash - and most of the<br>
exhaust was trailing behind us.<br><br>
After much screaming at the roadside we hoisted it into the car<br>
and continued along our route. Now that we were transporting<br>
the silencer the noise was excruciating - to say nothing of the<br>
exhaust fumes which made two of the children sick.<br><br>
As we were travelling over a weekend we couldn't get the<br>
exhaust repaired but at least we did not have problems<br>
overtaking other vehicles. Everyone who heard us coming got <br>
out of the way, quickly.<br><br>
It has been quite some time since we've been on holiday but in a<br>
week's time Keith and I will be driving to Zimbabwe - once again<br>
that 1800km trip. For the very first time we will carting neither<br>
animals nor children.<br><br>
Is it possible we might actually miss them?<br><br>
<b>Copyright ©2001 Sheldene Chant<br><br>
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<i>A typical winter day at the Ens Wildlife Refuge ... and<br>
Home for the Insane<br><br>
</i> <br>
<b>BUNCHA NUTS<br><br>
by Terrie Ens<br><br>
</b>OUTSIDE, the icy wind whips through the stark, bare<br>
branches of the maple trees. Now and then, it stirs up<br>
clouds of dead, brown leaves and deposits them, in drifts,<br>
on the wooden porch of the gray-green, ranch-style<br>
home.<br><br>
Inside, the home is total chaos. The 'mother'sits huddled<br>
in front of the large, black wood stove. She seems oblivious<br>
to the world around her, hypnotized by the dancing tongues<br>
of yellow flame. The couple's nine 'children' - the fuzzy,<br>
whiskered, four-legged kind - as always, have the run of the<br>
house.<br><br>
And it's obvious, they are stir crazy.<br><br>
Not that they ever go outdoors. All it took was the mother<br>
finding one of her children (Kato, Mr. Binkman) dead on the<br>
road one Sunday afternoon -- the victim of a hit and run<br>
driver - for her to decide that the rest of the brood would,<br>
from that day forward, be House Cats. The mother<br>
vacuums a lot.<br><br>
The house is total insanity.<br><br>
Jezebel, an elegant black Persian with too-close-together<br>
yellow eyes, walks from window to window, crying pitifully.<br>
Occasionally, she'll jump up on the countertop and paw<br>
noisily at the blinds. Jezebel is a window cat. They're<br>
all window cats and although they don't go outside, they<br>
love to spend the entire spring and summer months<br>
(except when it's unbearably hot and the air conditioner is<br>
running) sleeping in the windows. The home is one<br>
window short of allowing each cat to have its own.<br><br>
Bruno - the one his mother swears is a 'three-year-<br>
old-boy-in-a-cat-suit' -- is sitting on the back of one of the<br>
chairs, busily pruning a hanging plant. Leaves litter the floor<br>
around the base of the chair. Bruno takes his<br>
gardening very seriously.<br><br>
Schatzi (the tortoiseshell calico matriarch of the family) is<br>
engaged in a hissing battle with Ash, a bean-headed, tiny-faced<br>
blue Persian. Both of them hate cats and have suddenly seemed<br>
to realize the house is full of them. They seem to think that a<br>
good place to begin the annihilation process is with each other.<br><br>
Gershwin, a normally timid boy of beige and white coloring, is<br>
busy in the kitchen. He's decided that a serious housecleaning<br>
is in order and is busy ridding the tops of the cabinets of all their<br>
décor. Wooden spools, a copper teakettle and several silk plants<br>
have already been thrown to the floor. A wooden cat figurine has<br>
been selected as the next unfortunate victim to be pushed to its<br>
death.<br><br>
Fatty Cat (whose real name is Sissy) and her equally fat<br>
daughter, Tulip, have laid out an invisible race track which runs<br>
through the entire house. With Sissy in the lead, the two make a<br>
mad dash through the kitchen, bang into the side of the cat door,<br>
which allows them entrance to the basement, and tumble down<br>
the stairs. Soon there is a racket as they again hit the cat door<br>
and retrace their steps.<br><br>
This time, Tulip is being chased and in the middle of the hallway,<br>
Sissy catches her. There is a screaming frenzy as the two<br>
tumble down the hall, leaving patches of fur in their wake.<br><br>
Kobe sits on the floor next to his mother, eyes closed, soaking<br>
up the warmth of the stove. Without warning, he suddenly emits<br>
a kind of chirping sound, jumps straight into the air and takes off<br>
running, full speed, and skids into the living room wall. Kobe does<br>
this a lot. Kobe is Siamese.<br><br>
Meanwhile, Sebastian (alias Mr. Bigface - another blue Persian)<br>
has again gone mental and is walking from room to room,<br>
mumbling to himself, and carrying a fuzzy, green toy mouse in<br>
his mouth. He is also prone to talking to plastic straws.<br><br>
Poor Mr. Seebs. He is the couple's Special Child. They suspect<br>
he is dyslexic. In full motion, he never quite navigates the<br>
opening of the cat door without first slamming into the side. He<br>
can look straight at a toy in a box, but reaches way over to one<br>
side when he tries to retrieve it. Poor Mr. Seebs.<br><br>
The woman rises to her feet, and proceeds to the guestroom.<br>
She sits down in front of the computer, thinking that, perhaps,<br>
she will try to write something.<br><br>
Instantly, Bruno is on her lap. On the desk. On the keyboard. Not<br>
a chance. She returns to the stove.<br><br>
The woman sits, eyes glued to the flames, remembering a time<br>
when the weather was warm. Flowers were blooming, birds<br>
were singing. And the windows were open.<br><br>
It's going to be a long winter.<br><br>
<b>© Copyright 2001 Terrie Ens<br>
</b>___________________________________<br>
<i>A freelance writer whose work tends to take an offbeat,<br>
off-the-wall view of the world and its inhabitants, Terrie Ens<br>
also works in an elementary school setting as a Sign<br>
Language Interpreter. She and her husband share their<br>
home in Kansas with 10 cats and four birds ... where Ens<br>
also spends a great deal of time cleaning.<br><br>
</i>öÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖöº*°*ºöÖööÖö<br>
eNonyMouse...<br><br>
<b>...getting in the Christmas<br>
swing...<br><br>
<br>
</b>THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE;<br><br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab>1) You believe in Santa Claus.<br><br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab>2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.<br><br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab>3) You become Santa Claus.<br><br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab>4) You start to look like Santa Claus.<br><br>
<br>
<x-tab> </x-tab><x-tab> </x-tab>Hope this puts a smile on your face<br><br>
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<b>PLAY FAMILY TRIVIA<br><br>
suggests Michael R. Boyter<br><br>
</b>DO you remember the game Trivial Pursuit?<br><br>
Imagine if there was a version made just for your family! How do<br>
you think you'd do? How good were you at the original game?<br><br>
I can remember making up all kinds of excuses for when I didn't<br>
know the answers. I would discount my lack of answers by<br>
saying something like 'How am I suppose to know that stuff?'<br><br>
Well, if the questions were based purely on an individual's family<br>
history, what kind of excuse could be used?<br><br>
This game would best be played at a family get together and it<br>
would be a combined effort of several in your family. You could<br>
work on it a couple different ways...<br><br>
One way would be to sit down with a few immediate family<br>
members and write as many questions (that only family would<br>
know) as you can think of on an index card...one question per<br>
card.<br><br>
As resources for information, items such as high school year<br>
books, journals and old home movies could be utilized.<br><br>
Before you know it, you'd have quite a stack of cards with<br>
your family trivia/history on them.<br><br>
Then, at a family gathering, use them in much the same fashion<br>
as the original Trivial Pursuit game.<br><br>
The second way would be to give 5-10 cards to each family<br>
member as they are gathered together.<br><br>
Give them a few minutes before the game is started to write<br>
down some questions about themselves and some about other<br>
members of the family...You may want to make some easy<br>
questions and others with the intent to stump the rest of the<br>
family.<br><br>
This is a unique way of preserving family history and it gets your<br>
family members involved.<br><br>
I guarantee a good time!<br><br>
Keep in mind that the whole reason for any of the questions<br>
would be to stir up fond memories from your family's past.<br><br>
My family has tried this and it was a great time.<br><br>
A few bits of advice...<br><br>
1) Have a video or audio tape going as you play. Many stories will<br>
be told that may never told again.<br><br>
2) Don't throw those index cards away when you are finished<br>
with the game. Write the answer on them and save them.<br><br>
3) Have the questions, answers and stories told typed up and<br>
have copies distributed to all the family.<br><br>
This information, if preserved, can and should be passed down<br>
to future generations of your family. By making multiple copies,<br>
you ensure that the only copy isn't accidently destroyed or lost!<br><br>
This is one of the most fun and easy ways to finally get some of<br>
your parents and/or grandparents stories preserved!<br><br>
<b>Copyright 2001 Michael R. Boyter<br>
</b>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>
<i>Michael R. Boyter is the author of the popular e-book<br>
MemoryGrabber. Over 500 questions and activities that<br>
make writing your life story simple and enjoyable.<br>
<a href="http://www.memorygrabber.com/" eudora="autourl">http://www.memorygrabber.com</a><br><br>
FREE 6 Day LifeStory Writing Course<br>
<a href="http://www.familyhistoryproducts.com/bin/ap.pl?triv" eudora="autourl">http://www.familyhistoryproducts.com/bin/ap.pl?triv</a><br><br>
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<b>GETTING A GOOD FRIEND IS A GOOD MOVE<br><br>
says Melvin Durai<br><br>
</b>I RECENTLY moved into a new home, an exhausting task of<br>
lifting and loading that made me realize that I need more<br>
friends -- big, strong, energetic friends.<br><br>
From now on, I'm not allowing just any old bum to become my<br>
friend. I'm going to evaluate potential friends using the<br>
criteria below:<br><br>
---Must weigh at least 200 pounds and be able to lift 300 pounds,<br>
preferably with each arm. Preference will be given to<br>
bodybuilders, weightlifters, and former attorney generals.<br><br>
---Must not suffer from any 'back conditions,' including back pain,<br>
back spasms and the tendency to back away from physical<br>
activity.<br><br>
---Must be able to read simple instructions on boxes such as<br>
'keep upright,' 'keep in a cool place,' and 'keep working, you lazy<br>
butt!'<br><br>
---Must be able to figure out how to get a wide sofa through a<br>
narrow doorway without requesting a saw. Anyone who asks<br>
if the sofa can be lowered into the house through the chimney is<br>
automatically disqualified.<br><br>
If I can find a few friends who fit these criteria, I won't have any<br>
trouble moving again. I won't need to have conversations like<br>
this:<br><br>
Me: 'Can you please help me move this Saturday?'<br><br>
Friend: 'Get off your knees! You're embarrassing me. I can't<br>
help you on Saturday, because it's the Sabbath. I'm not<br>
supposed to work.'<br><br>
Me: 'Wait a minute. Aren't you a Hindu?'<br><br>
Friend: 'Not exactly. I'm a Jewish Hindu. I like both<br>
religions.'<br><br>
Me: 'In that case, can you help me on Sunday?'<br><br>
Friend: 'Sorry, I can't. I'm observing Ramadan this month.'<br><br>
Me: 'Ramadan? I thought that's for Muslims.'<br><br>
Friend: 'Yes, but since the name of the Hindu god Rama<br>
appears in Ramadan, I thought I'd observe that, too.<br>
Just in case.'<br><br>
Me: 'Do you know what else appears in Ramadan? A<br>
three-letter description of you: MAD.'<br><br>
Actually, most of my friends never make such excuses. They're<br>
always eager to help me move, especially if I'm moving far from<br>
them.<br><br>
Yes, I have some really good friends, friends I can count on. Just<br>
the other day, when my car almost died, one of my friends lent<br>
me a cell phone, while another lent me a car. They didn't even<br>
ask me to sign anything. With friends like them, who needs Rent-<br>
A-Center?<br><br>
Over the years, I've had all kinds of 'friends.' Some are worth<br>
keeping a few decades, others a few seconds. Some are<br>
superficial, others are just super. Some keep lending, others<br>
keep borrowing.<br><br>
Many of the so-called friends weren't real friends. Indeed, the<br>
word 'friend' is one of the most misused words in the dictionary.<br>
Many people use it so loosely. Just introduce yourself to them<br>
and suddenly you're their 'friend,' even though they don't know<br>
your email address. They take the liberty of calling you 'buddy' or<br>
'pal' or 'dude.' They start asking you personal questions, such as<br>
what you think of Anna Kournikova and isn't she the best thing to<br>
happen to tennis since the invention of the ball?<br><br>
Truth is, a good friendship takes years to develop. You invest<br>
time, energy and money into it and eventually you have<br>
something special, something that will give you more joy than a<br>
Sony PlayStation. At least in the long run.<br><br>
If there's one thing I've learned about friendships, it's this: It's<br>
better to have one good pal than a thousand lousy pals. Good<br>
friends are worth their weight in gold -- especially if they weigh<br>
200 pounds and can lift 300.<br><br>
<b>(c) Copyright 2001 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved<br>
</b>______________________________<br>
<i>Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer, humorist and<br>
occasional stand-up comedian. A native of India, he<br>
grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early<br>
1980s.Through the Internet, his column is read by<br>
thousands of people in more than 70 countries.<br>
For a free subscription to one of America's most<br>
entertaining and thought-provoking columns, send a<br>
blank message to <a href="mailto:durai-h-@mail-list.com" eudora="autourl">mailto:durai-h-@mail-list.com</a><br>
or go to <a href="http://www.melvindurai.com/" eudora="autourl">http://www.melvindurai.com</a><br><br>
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<b>HOUSEPLANTS MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE<br><br>
by Matt Leppard<br><br>
<br>
</b>WHEN it comes to hobbies, many homeowners really can't<br>
be bothered with do-it-yourself, jungle-clearance in the garden,<br>
or even keeping a pet. But there's one hobby - if you can call<br>
it that - which nearly everyone does,but nobody really<br>
thinks about.<br><br>
Ask yourself these questions: how many plants have you got<br>
in your house? How much attention do you give them? Do you<br>
ponder about their placement and arrangement? You may be<br>
surprised at some of your answers.<br><br>
The urge to bring nature inside our homes is almost universal -<br>
after all, what do you do every Christmas? Well, personally I<br>
use an artificial tree, but the principle is the same, with the<br>
origins of this ritual extending well before Christianity. Some<br>
people like the look and feel of cut flowers and other floral<br>
decorations in their homes, while others prefer huge, living<br>
yuccas.<br><br>
But did you know that plants can actually improve your health<br>
or even save your life?<br><br>
Britain's Prince Charles used to be ridiculed in the press for<br>
talking to plants, but in actual fact, this may not be so wacky after<br>
all. First off, as a natural by-product of photosynthesis, oxygen<br>
levels in the microclimates around plants can be greater than in<br>
surrounding areas, giving you a natural lift. Of course, in<br>
breathing you expel carbon dioxide, which plants use in<br>
photosynthesis, so talking to them also benefits the plants.<br><br>
Your home is killing you!<br><br>
While the above may seem like wishy-washy speculation, there<br>
is also very real evidence that indoor plants may benefit humans<br>
in a far more important way: by cleaning the air of harmful<br>
chemicals. With the increasing use of synthetic materials in the<br>
mass manufacture of appliances and furnishings, indoor air<br>
pollution can represent a major portion of the public's exposure<br>
to air pollution and may pose serious health risks according to<br>
the US Environmental Protection Agency.<br><br>
Formaldehyde derivatives, for example, are used as adhesives in<br>
the manufacture of particle board, fibreboard, and plywood.<br>
Formaldehyde is also classed as a carcinogen (cancer-causing<br>
chemical) according to the Sixth Annual Report on Carcinogens<br>
published by the National Toxicology Program of the US<br>
Department of Health and Human Services.<br><br>
The evidence for a possible involvement of formaldehyde in<br>
cancers is strongest for nasal and throat cancer since the nose<br>
and mouth come into direct contact with formaldehyde through<br>
inhalation. Exposure to formaldehyde also irritates the eyes,<br>
nose, and throat, and can cause skin and lung allergies.<br><br>
Benzene is also a known carcinogen and is used to make some<br>
types of plastics, liquid detergents, synthetic rubbers and fibres,<br>
and adhesives. Exposure to benzene has been shown to cause<br>
leukemia, tumours, anaemia, as well as chromosomal damage.<br><br>
Green air is clean air<br><br>
Luckily, someone somewhere has been looking into this<br>
potentially lethal problem, and that someone may surprise you. In<br>
association with Associated Landscape Contractors of the US,<br>
space research facility NASA has been studying whether<br>
ornamental plants can remove key pollutants such as benzene<br>
and formaldehyde in both terrestrial and space environments. Its<br>
research proved so conclusive that some of these plants will be<br>
launched into space aboard future space stations.<br><br>
While the list below is a brief summary of NASA's results, it<br>
should be remembered that most plants possess this cleaning<br>
ability to some degree:<br><br>
- Aglaonema sp.(Chinese Evergreen). As well as a general<br>
purifier, Chinese Evergreens have large leaf areas that allow<br>
them to tolerate full shade, so you can place them anywhere in<br>
your home.<br><br>
- Aloe barbadensis (Aloe Vera). Aloe has been shown to be very<br>
efficient at the removal of formaldehyde and it is also known for<br>
its healing properties.<br><br>
- Chlorophytum comosum (Spider Plant). Spider plants are one<br>
of the best plants for cleaning formaldehyde from the air. They<br>
thrive in bright but indirect light.<br><br>
- Chrysanthemum sp. (Chrysanthemum/Mum). These colourful<br>
flowering plants have been shown by NASA to be highly effective<br>
in the removal of benzene.<br><br>
- Gerbera sp. (Gerbera Daisy). Like Chrysanthemums, Gerberas<br>
are effective in the removal of benzene from indoor air, and like<br>
most flowering plants, they prefer bright light.<br><br>
- Philidendron sp. (Philidendron). These are among the best<br>
plants for cleaning formaldehyde from indoor air, especially at<br>
high concentrations. However, they are poisonous, so exercise<br>
caution.<br><br>
The chances are your local greenhouse or plant supplier won't<br>
know which plants are best for which chemicals, but they will be<br>
able to supply you with good-quality plants. You should also<br>
make sure you know the plant's light and dietary requirements.<br><br>
<b>Copyright 2001 Matt Leppard<br>
</b>_______________________________________<br>
<i>Matt Leppard is Editor and a content producer for<br>
Global Estate (<a href="http://www.globalestate.com/" eudora="autourl">http://www.globalestate.com</a>), the<br>
first portal site designed to cater exclusively to real<br>
estate. The site includes property listings, news, and<br>
advice articles on everything from buying a home to<br>
eliminating household pests to using the Internet to<br>
find a home.<br><br>
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<b>Copyright 2001 Poignant Pearls & Potbellied Pigs<br><br>
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nervous about their PC and the Internet.</font>
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