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Parental Intelligence - Issue 43
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Bob Collier
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May 24, 2003 05:24 PDT
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-------------------PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE------------------
25 May 2003
Issue 43
Bob Collier, Editor mailto:quauss-@hotmail.com
This newsletter is never sent unsolicited. You are
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unsubscribe instructions at the end of this newsletter.
Welcome to Parental Intelligence!
You might get the impression sometimes, because I'm a stay-
at-home dad, and this is *my* newsletter and I often talk
about *my* children in it, that my wife, Mary, is somehow
my 'junior partner' in the matter of parenting.
Nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, being
a more competent person generally than I am and a better
example of a successful adult, she easily contributes at
least as much as I do to our children's development,
probably more.
I am and always will be deeply grateful to my wife for the
many wonderful ideas and understandings about parenting that
she has introduced into my life. She's truly been a positive
influence on me since the 'fateful day' that we first met.
When Mary became pregnant with our first child, in 1984, I
was totally clueless about the process of pregnancy and the
act of giving birth. It was Mary who did all the spadework of
studying and learning that enabled us to be prepared for and
make the best of the physical realities of becoming parents,
so that we were able to create a positive experience for
both us and our new baby. It was Mary who decided that she
would have an 'active birth', thereby introducing me to the
work of Janet Balaskas.
My wife subsequently gave birth naturally to our daughter
Bronwyn at a Birth Centre in Sydney, Australia, with only a
midwife and her mother and myself in attendance (and
'Clannad' playing softly in the background). Ten years
later, our son Patrick was born at home in London on the
very bed in which he was conceived. Not only was I there at
the birth, too, of course, but so also was Bronwyn.
I was reminded of all this a few days ago when I read in my
newspaper the item about childbirth in the UK from which
I've quoted extracts below. That's why this week's Website
Of The Week is Janet Balaskas' Active Birth Centre. It's the
least I can do.
My wife and I have been together a long time. We've been
through a lot of adventures together and had our ups and
downs as a partnership, but I'm very happy that we're still
here and looking good. If you're currently in a relationship
with a 'significant other' or you'd like to be, my first
article this week offers some very useful guidelines to
dealing with the reality of those times when we want it to
be better than it seems to be - "How To Resolve Relationship
Conflicts" by Nancy Pina.
Something I learned from the personal development and
related literature that I started reading about five years
before I became a parent was that the flow of our energy is
constant (yes, even when we think we don't have any!) and if
- when we're in an active state, at least - we don't give it
somewhere to go it will 'back up' in our nervous system
causing problems ranging from temporary disruption to
permanent damage. From bursts of anger to chronic illness.
That's why I believe that one of the keys to successful
parenting is for us to constantly expand our repertoire of
tactics we can use when responding to our children's
negative behaviour. The more options we have, the better our
chances of choosing something that genuinely helps to create
a better life for our children as well as for ourselves. My
second article this week is "9 Things to Do Instead of
Spank" by Kathryn Kvols, author of the book "Redirecting
Children's Behavior" and founder and president of the
International Network for Children and Families, a worldwide
parent training network that teaches skill-building
strategies to families.
And - as always, of course - there's Doug Bench's Brain
Stuff! :)
Have a great week until next time!
Bob
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Natural childbirth no longer the norm: UK study
"Normal childbirth has for the first time become a minor
activity in Britain, marking a new milestone in the history
of medicine.
Figures published by the Department of Health show that less
than half of new mothers - 45 per cent - had a spontaneous
labour and delivery in 2001-02 with the remainder
experiencing some kind of medical intervention."
"Intervention in childbirth has caused increasing disquiet
among patient groups, medical organisations and politicians.
The biggest single change of the last 20 years has been the
doubling in the Caesarean rate, driven by fears of
litigation and a demand from some women for what they see as
a convenient, pain-free delivery."
[Peter Bowen Simpkins, vice-president of the Royal College
of Obstetricians] "said it was "distressing" that the
proportion of women having normal deliveries had fallen to
45 per cent.
He blamed the trend on a shortage of senior consultants
which meant women in labour were left in the charge of
junior doctors who were less experienced and likely to
intervene sooner to prevent things going wrong."
Extracts from an article by Jeremy Laurance of The
Independent newspaper, UK
Published in The Canberra Times, May 21, 2003
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Website Of The Week
Active Birth Centre
http://www.activebirthcentre.com/
The website of Janet Balaskas.
"Discover how you can make informed choices, and gain the
confidence to be actively in charge of your pregnancy, birth
and early parenting"
Janet Balskas founded the Active Birth Movement and
published the first edition of her book 'New Active Birth'
in 1981.
This led to the founding of the first Active Birth Centre
in London and then later to the development of the Active
Birth website.
What is an active birth?
These are some of Janet's own ideas:
"A strong intention, relaxed body and an open mind are the
main ingredients for an Active Birth"
"It's simply a convenient way of describing a normal labour
and birth"
"The way that a woman behaves when she is following her own
instincts and the physiological logic of her body"
"You're in control of your body, rather than the passive
recipient of an 'actively managed' birth on the part of your
attendants"
Find out everything you'd like to know about the concept of
Active Birth at Janet's website. You can read her 'Active
Birth Manifesto' as well as numerous enlightening articles
on various interrelated topics:
Pregnancy
* Taking care of yourself
* Emotions
* Baby development
* Pregnancy exercise
* Preparing the nest
* Active birth
Preparing for labour
* Birth hormones and environment
* Movements, positions and massage
* The experience of birth and how it feels
* Complimentary thrapies, pain relief and medical help
Water birth
* Choosing a water birth and using water in pregnancy
* How to use a birth pool
* Midwifery guidelines and research
There's also a shop, a message board and a chat room; and
Janet Balaskas' free fortnightly newsletter, which gives you
vital information on all aspects of pregancy, birth and
early parenting
Active Birth Centre
http://www.activebirthcentre.com/
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"The day when Janet Balaskas introduced the phrase 'Active
Birth' is possibly the most important one in the history of
childbirth in Europe." - Michel Odent
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************************************************************
Australia will host the 3rd international Soul in Education
conference with the theme Celebrating Spirit of Learning to
be held in the Byron Bay region in September-October 2003.
"An experiential week-long international gathering for
innovative thinkers, practitioners and all those committed
to fostering soul in education, human potential and learning
for life."
For more information about this exciting event, please visit
the Spirit of Learning website at:
http://www.spiritoflearning.com/conference
************************************************************
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"Emotional intelligence, once dismissed as "that soft stuff"
which had no place in the competitive, economic rationalist
workplaces of the 1990s, was fast becoming a key tool for
success in the 21st century, an expert on "EQ" said in
Canberra last week." - The Canberra Times, May 20 2003.
Sarah Kearney, the managing director of Sydney-based
business psychology company SHL was in Canberra for the
Australian Institute of Company Directors conference at
Parliament House.
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************************************************************
THE PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE REPORT ON 'ADHD'
(Final revision 19th May 2003)
Read my personal views on this controversial subject.
Send a blank email to: pire-@getresponse.com
************************************************************
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How To Resolve Relationship Conflicts
by Nancy Pina
What blocks you from resolving conflicts?
As difficult as it can be, finding a constructive manner in
which to air grievances provides an open and honest
relationship. Burying issues, and avoiding conflict and
disagreements, do not have a place in a healthy
relationship. Accept the fact that you will get on each
other’s nerves. You will disagree from time to time. Learn
how to argue in a constructive manner to resolve the issue
at hand and not tear each other apart personally. Each has
the responsibility to resolve issues around emotional
buttons. It is important to express how and why you feel a
certain way and freely discuss your reactions. Recommended
steps for resolving conflict are as follows:
· Agree to reach a resolution.
Many of us take a fight-or-flight approach to conflict,
sometimes only to make our point stick. You and your future
partner are on the same side of the same team, which is
difficult to remember when you are in a heated argument.
Resolution is defined as both parties compromising to reach
a solution. It is not about one person getting his way and
the other person caving in to manipulation or feeling
defeated.
· Explore your feelings.
Why are you so upset? Explore your reaction to the event and
see if you are responding to the present situation or
reliving a past hurtful event. See if this issue is really
about you and your significant other or you and someone from
your past.
· Identify what you want.
Speak up. See what you and your partner can work out for a
mutually satisfying resolution. Your partner cannot give you
want you want if you don’t have the courage to ask for it.
Remember, you are in love with each other and all
relationships are driven by feelings. You want to feel good,
your partner wants to feel good, and you both have the same
wish for each other. Keep that in mind as you express your
desires.
· Generate options and possible solutions.
Be willing to back up your requests and desires with a
solution that is mutually satisfactory. Sometimes we say no
to a new way of doing things simply because we have not
thought of an alternative. Back up your statement with a
good argument that is reasonable.
· Choose mutual action.
Resolving conflict does not mean to take on more
responsibility simply because it is easier than arguing. A
relationship is a partnership, a joint effort. If one person
ends up being responsible for making the union work on every
level, resentment will build up. Avoid the trap of laziness
and work out fair resolutions to issues that arise. One
person is not assigned to do all the work while the
relationship revolves around the other person’s whims and
desires.
· Evaluate the outcome.
If the first solution doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to
revisit the issue and make changes. Many times what seems
doable in theory is flawed in reality. Do not chastise your
partner, for that only will encourage avoidance in the
future with other issues.
Copyright (c) Nancy Pina
About the Author: Nancy Pina enjoyed a successful career in
the dating service industry for over 17 years. In her book,
"The Right Relationship Can Happen: How To Create
Relationship Success", she has drawn on her vast experience
to provide a useful guide to achieve relationship happiness.
By following the step-by-step guide, you will learn to free
yourself from the barriers that prevent fulfilling
relationships from manifesting in your life. To learn more
about how you can attract the right relationship, please
visit: http://www.yourtruematch.com
************************************************************
SPECIAL MENTION
Parenting With Respect and Peacefulness: The Most Difficult
Job in the World
by Louise A. Dietzel, M.S
The key to a happier home!
"If all children were welcomed into a world where they were
treated with respect and peacefulness, the rate of later
emotional disorders would be greatly reduced. Louise
Dietzel's book is a major contribution to such primary
prevention."
- George W. Albee, Professor-Emeritus of Psychology,
University of Vermont
Find out more about the book here;
www.louisedietzelparenting.com/parenting_book.htm
************************************************************
------------------------------------------------------------
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************************************************************
------------------------------------------------------------
9 Things to Do Instead of Spank
by Kathryn Kvols
Research confirms what many parents instinctively feel when
they don't like to spank their children, but they dont know
what else to do. The latest research from Dr. Murray Straus
at the Family Research Laboratory affirms that spanking
teaches children to use acts of aggression and violence to
solve their problems. It only teaches and perpetuates more
violence, the very thing that our society is so concerned
about. This research further shows that children who have
been spanked are more prone to low self-esteem, depression
and accept lower paying jobs as adults. So, what do you do
instead?
(1) Get Calm
First, if you feel angry and out of control and you want to
spank or slap your child, leave the situation if you can.
Calm down and get quiet. In that quiet time you will often
find an alternative or solution to the problem. Sometimes
parents lose it because they are under a lot of stress.
Dinner is boiling over, the kids are fighting, the phone is
ringing and your child drops the can of peas, you lose it.
If you can't leave the situation, then mentally step back
and count to ten.
(2) Take Time for Yourself
Parents are more prone to use spanking when they haven't had
any time to themselves and they feel depleted and hurried.
So, it is important for parents to take some time for
themselves to exercise, read, take a walk or pray.
(3) Be Kind but Firm.
Another frustrating situation where parents tend to spank is
when your child hasn't listened to your repeated requests to
behave. Finally, you spank to get your child to act
appropriately. Another solution in these situations is to
get down on your child level, make eye contact, touch him
gently and tell him, in a short, kind but firm phrase, what
it is you want him to do. For example, "I want you to play
quietly."
(4) Give Choices
Giving your child a choice is an effective alternative to
spanking. If she is playing with her food at the table, ask,
"Would you like to stop playing with your food, or would you
like to leave the table?" If the child continues to play
with her food, you use kind but firm action by helping her
down from the table. Then tell her that she can return to
the table when she is ready to eat her food without playing
with it.
(5) Use Logical Consequences
Consequences that are logically related to the behavior help
teach children responsibility. For example, your child
breaks a neighbors window and you punish him by spanking
him. What does he learn about the situation? He may learn to
never do that again, but he also learns that he needs to
hide his mistakes, blame it on someone else, lie, or simply
not get caught. He may decide that he is bad or he feels
anger and revenge toward the parent who spanked him. When
you spank a child, he may behave because he is afraid to get
hit again. However, do you want your child to behave because
he is afraid of you or because he respects you?
Compare that situation to a child who breaks a neighbor's
window and his parent says, "I see you've broken the window,
what will you do to repair it?" using a kind, but firm tone
of voice. The child decides to mow the neighbor's lawn and
wash his car several times to repay the cost of repairing
the window. What does the child learn in this situation?
That mistakes are an inevitable part of life and it isn't so
important that he made the mistake, but that he take
responsibility to repair the mistake. The focus is taken off
the mistake and put on taking responsibility for repairing
it. The child feels no anger or revenge toward his parent.
And, most importantly, the child's self-esteem is not
damaged.
(6) Do Make-ups
When children break agreements, parents tend to want to
punish them. An alternative is to have your child do a
make-up. A make-up is something that people do to put
themselves back into integrity with the person that they
broke the agreement with. For example, several boys were at
a sleep-over at Larrys home. His father requested that they
not leave the house after midnight. The boys broke their
agreement. The father was angry and punished them by telling
them that they couldn't have a sleep-over for two months.
Larry and his friends became angry, sullen and uncooperative
as the result of the punishment. The father realized what he
had done. He apologized for punishing them and told them how
betrayed he felt and discussed with the boys the importance
of keeping their word. He then asked the boys for a make-up.
They decided to cut the lumber that the father needed to have
cut in the backyard. The boys became excited and enthusiastic
about the project and later kept their word on future sleep-
overs.
(7) Withdraw from Conflict
Children who sass parents may provoke a parent to slap. In
this situation, it is best if you withdraw from the
situation immediately. Do not leave the room in anger or in
defeat. Calmly say, "Ill be in the next room when you want
to talk more respectfully."
(8) Use Kind but Firm Action
Instead of smacking an infant's hand or bottom when she
touches something she isn't supposed to, kindly but firmly
pick her up and take her to the next room. Offer her a toy
or another item to distract her and say, "You can try again
later." You may have to take her out several times if she is
persistent.
(9) Inform Children Ahead of Time
A child's temper tantrum can easily set a parent off.
Children frequently throw tantrums when they feel uninformed
or powerless in a situation. Instead of telling your child
he has to leave his friend's house at a moments notice, tell
him that you will be leaving in five minutes. This allows
the child to complete what he was in the process of doing.
Aggression is an obvious form of perpetuating violence in
society. A more subtle form of this is spanking because it
takes its toll on a child's self-esteem, dampening his
enthusiasm and causing him to be rebellious and
uncooperative. Consider for a moment the vision of a family
that knows how to win cooperation and creatively solve their
problems without using force or violence. The alternatives
are limitless and the results are calmer parents who feel
more supported.
Copyright (c) Kathryn Kvols
Kathryn Kvols, a national speaker, is the author of the
book, "Redirecting Children's Behavior" and the president
of the International Network for Children and Families. She
can be reached at 1-800-257-9002.
You can also read more of her articles at the INCAF website:
http://www.incaf.com/
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Parent with the End in Mind
"Most of us parent in ways to get the situation under
control as soon as possible. We are looking for the
expedient solution. This often results in children who feel
overpowered or not disciplined. But if we learn to parent in
a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an
adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent."
From "10 Keys to Successful Parenting"
by Kathryn Kvols
http://www.incaf.com/keys.php
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"All parents need to learn some effective methods for
modifying behaviour that interferes with their needs, but
labeling the child as misbehaving is not one of them." -
Thomas Gordon, PhD.
If you haven't got yourself a copy of Dr. Gordon's free 11-
page guide "What Every Parent Should Know", please visit the
Gordon Training International website at:
http://www.gordontraining.com/
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
------------------------------------------------------------
DOUG BENCH'S BRAIN STUFF
One of the greatest dis-services during the '50s and '60s
was when people started comparing the human brain to the
computer. We do not think like a computer at all. That was
wrong, dead wrong. First of all, a computer does not think.
In fact, the functions that occur on the world's most
powerful computer in a year would not even compare to the
functions that occur in just one neuron in one person's
brain in one second. There is no comparison between the
human brain - its functioning, capacity and power - to that
of a machine.
They used to say that Einstein and Edison and those people
who had genius IQs were born with more brain cells than the
rest of us. As a matter of fact, it used to be the total
belief in the medical and scientific community that Einstein
had about two million more brain cells than the rest of us.
They used to believe that we had about 10 million neurons in
our brain, and that people like Einstein and Edison had more
than that; maybe millions more! This they now know is
totally false.
They have now found that the human brain does not have about
10 million neurons. They were just a little short when they
gave out that number. Einstein, Edison, you and I have about
100 billion neurons. All of us have this same number, give
or take a few. And just as recently as December, 2002, I
have read that they may now think that this figure also is
wrong, and that maybe we have about 200 billion neurons.
Wow!
Learn the SCIENCE of PERMANENT Self-Motivation. So you
don't have to go back again and again and again, and spend
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will you! Guaranteed!
*** 7 Mini-Science Lessons for Maxi-Success ***
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Subscribe to the 7 Mini-Science Lessons for Maxi-Success
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News at his Science for Success website:
http://www.mcssl.com/app/aftrack.asp?afid=69141
AUDIO has been added to Science for Success website!
Doug Bench has added Audio examples of nearly all of his
Systems and Tools to his website.
Go check it out now! Everywhere that you see the
Green 'Play' Button, you can hear a helpful sample of that
Tool.
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------------------------------------------------------------
PROJECTS OF INTEREST
The Parenting Project
http://www.parentingproject.org/
The Natural Child Project
http://www.naturalchild.org/
Project HappyChild
http://www.happychild.org.uk/
Project Renaissance
http://www.winwenger.com/
------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you've enjoyed this issue of Parental Intelligence!
Issue 44 will be published on 1 June 2003
PLEASE MENTION PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS
WHO HAVE CHILDREN - THEY'LL THANK YOU FOR IT!
Do you have any comments or suggestions? Would you
like to contribute an article?
mailto:quauss-@hotmail.com
Please include the words "Parental Intelligence" in the
subject line.
This newsletter is never sent unsolicited. You are
receiving it because you requested a subscription, or it
has been forwarded to you by a friend.
If you're not a subscriber and you'd like to subscribe,
please either visit
http://www.topica.com/lists/pintel
or send a blank email to:
pintel-s-@topica.com
If you want to unsubscribe for any reason, please see the
unsubscribe instructions at the end of this newsletter.
Copyright (c) 2003, Bob Collier except where indicated
otherwise.
Published by:
Bob Collier
3 Goldie Place
Kambah
CANBERRA
ACT 2902
Australia
mailto:quauss-@hotmail.com
Have a happy and successful day!
------------------------------------------------------------
"Who is this bloke?" Find out more about the publisher of
Parental Intelligence by sending a blank email to:
bobco-@getresponse.com
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