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Parental Intelligence - Issue 45
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Bob Collier
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Jun 08, 2003 04:13 PDT
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-------------------PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE------------------
8 June 2003
Issue 45
Bob Collier, Editor mailto:quauss-@hotmail.com
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Welcome to Parental Intelligence!
"The world's No.1 email newsletter for thinking parents"
No Website Of The Week this week.
Coming up first, Tammy Cox helps us to understand the
crucial difference between a "good" parent and an
effective parent.
That's followed by an interview with Joe Griffin of the
UK's MindFields College, in which he explores the latest
ideas on depression. Even if you need to consult your
dictionary once or twice, do, please, read it. It's the
kind of enlightenment that Parental Intelligence is all
about!
Finally, there's a quick word from Doug Bench about ANTZ
(not the movie!). Doug has a 'Science for Success' special
on at the moment - see directly after this intro for more
information.
Oh, by the way, here's something you don't get in Parental
Intelligence every week - a "Handy Household Hint"! I
learned today that a good way to get crayon off the wall is
to use toothpaste. :)
Have a great week everyone!
Bob
============================================================
DOUG BENCH'S JUNE SPECIAL - CHANGE YOUR BRAIN IN 100 DAYS
The 9 Science for Success Techniques. Doug Bench goes into
the details of the nine techniques and HOW TO SET UP YOUR
100 DAY TIME-SCHEDULE FOR PERMANENT SELF-MOTIVATION SUCCESS.
Do you want to learn science-based permanent self-motivation
skills? This information can get you to your goals!
Don't Miss it!
This Month Only!
2 CD Set - Was US$27.00 Get it Now for US$19.00
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============================================================
************************************************************
Australia will host the 3rd international Soul in Education
conference with the theme Celebrating Spirit of Learning to
be held in the Byron Bay region in September-October 2003.
"An experiential week-long international gathering for
innovative thinkers, practitioners and all those committed
to fostering soul in education, human potential and learning
for life."
For more information about this exciting event, please visit
the Spirit of Learning website at:
http://www.spiritoflearning.com/conference
************************************************************
************************************************************
THE PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE REPORT ON 'ADHD'
Read my personal views on this controversial subject.
Send a blank email to: pire-@getresponse.com
************************************************************
Good Parenting or Effective Parenting:
What Is The Difference?
by Tammy Cox, LMSW
Good parents control their children. Right? When a child is
throwing a temper tantrum at the supermarket everyone is
thinking, if not saying, "If they were good parents they'd
control that kid!" Well, perhaps not everyone thinks that,
but when it's our child and we are the ones on center stage
it usually feels like it. Unfortunately all too often this
feeling or fear of being judged gets in the way of effective
parenting.
"Good" parents feel the need to control their children in
the immediate situation so they can avoid being judged by
others or judging themselves harshly. They are also afraid
that unless they control their children in the little
things, they'll lose complete control over the big things.
From this perspective it's easy to see how "good" parents
are more in danger of being abusive, because they often
have to take extreme measures to gain that control,
especially if they have a strong willed child. The more
difficult the child, the more the parent feels compelled to
control the child's behavior, no matter what the cost. This
places a heavy burden on parents. As anyone with a strong
willed child can attest, the more they try to control the
child, the more out of control the child becomes. They find
themselves doing and saying things they later feel terrible
about and their self-esteem as parents plummets. That's just
one of the costs of trying to control children.
The decadence and violence we now face in this country stems
from our mistaken belief that it is possible and even
necessary to control others, especially children, and our
willingness as parents and as a society to use violence,
fear, intimidation and humiliation to accomplish that goal.
It's an unrealistic goal with no chance of true success!
In order to change this paradigm, it is important for
parents and society to first recognize and then understand
the high price tag attached to controlling children. And
make no mistake about it! There is always a price for
control. The bill is often presented immediately in the
form of uncontrollable tantrums, rages, destruction,
aggression or other acts of revenge. Sometimes it is delayed
and we all pay the price with rebellious teenagers on drugs,
in gangs and in many other ways 'out of control.' Or it can
even be delayed until children become adults with a myriad
of problems, who are estranged from parents and society. At
the extreme the price can be exorbitant to society as a
whole in the form of our most hardened criminals. In the
best of cases it can still cost closeness in families.
Attempting to control others always builds walls in
relationships. Most of us recognize that controlling
children really just teaches them how to be controlled (and
ultimately more subject to peer or gang pressures) or
pushes them even more to avoid being controlled by
rebelling against all authority.
Even though we intuitively know that no one likes to be
controlled and most of us admit it is virtually impossible
to really control another person, we still keep trying to
control our children. Why? Perhaps the most significant
reason is that we just don't know what else to do. The
only tools we have are those handed down to us through the
generations. These tools were forged for a very different
time and place.
Another important reason is that society as a whole is not
willing to take responsibility for the cost (or effects) of
control. In fact, parents and school officials are
constantly being charged with the job of controlling
children. The main function of both is really to teach,
guide and nurture so that we can raise generations of
emotionally healthy adults who can function successfully in
our democratic society. It is time for all of us to
recognize that control doesn't work and start looking at
more effective ways of dealing with our children.
The good news is we don't have to look far. The corporate
world has been teaching such skills and techniques in
management training for some time. One parent told me,
"I've been using these tools as a supervisor at work for
years with lots of success. It never occurred to me to use
them with my children!" The tools he spoke of are based on
mutual respect, empowerment, negotiation and encouragement
instead of the old carrot and stick (reward and punishment)
approach most of us grew up with.
Effective parents draw on the knowledge that children
really do want to live in closeness, cooperation and
harmony with others - especially their parents. This
attitude fosters working to gain cooperation instead of
trying to control a child's behavior. Just as corporations
are interested in long term results, effective parents are
more likely to look at the lessons they want their children
to learn from any given situation and how that lesson will
affect them in later years.
Effective parents have a kind and firm approach: kind in
that they do nothing to hurt or disrespect their child and
firm in that they do not allow the child to disrespect or
infringe on the rights of others. Some specific techniques
are: speaking to their children as they would an adult,
allowing them to have input in family decisions, taking
responsibility for their own part in disagreements and
promoting an atmosphere where all family members are held
accountable for agreements in nonjudgemental and
nonpunitive ways.
Effective parents also enjoy the whole parenting process
more, because they recognize it is a process and allow for
their own, as well as their children's mistakes. They
usually view mistakes as valuable learning experiences
instead of failures.
There is more help for parents who are tired of trying to
control their children and want to learn more effective
tools to win cooperation. It is important to remember,
however, that change in behavior is a process and will
require time as well as committment and desire. Once you
have decided to become a more effective parent be gentle
with yourself and get help. You don't have to do it alone!
There are several parenting classes that teach non-punitive
methods of discipline. (Avoid those that teach ways to
manipulate or punish your child - that's still control!) A
couple of good books on practical and non-punitive
parenting are Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs
M.D. and Redirecting Children's Behavior by Kathryn Kvols.
Copyright (c) 2002, Tammy Cox, LMSW
Tammy Cox, LMSW, CPE is the owner and director of The
Redirection Connection, an educational and personal growth
company based in Austin, Texas. She is a certified
instructor and trainer for the International Network for
Children and Families, and Global Relationship Centers,
Inc. For more information on parenting or relationship
issues, or to receive the free Redirection Connection
e-newsletter, Tammy can be reached at:
phone: 512-329-8806
e-mail: redirec-@aol.com
website: http://www.redirectionconnection.com
------------------------------------------------------------
"To feel that we are worthwhile individuals, to know that we
exist, we have to express our power - feel that we are in
control. This imperative to express our power and experience
control is central to human behaviour. Every human does
something to express his or her power in the world.
This power can be expressed creatively or destructively.
Humans first attempt to express their power creatively. If
such attempts fail repeatedly, they experience themselves
as powerless. They may feel helpless and hopeless, and
become depressed.
What they experience is that they cannot make a positive
difference in their own lives or in the world. A cognitive
breakdown occurs between their actions and the results they
produce. Mentally and intellectually they cease to
understand the connections between their behaviour and the
consequences of their behaviour.
Then they express their power destructively. This natural
phenomenon is at the root of practically all individual and
societal problems. Understanding this natural phenomenon and
its implications leads to the solution of practically all
individual and societal problems."
Frederick Mann, in "How To Achieve Ultimate Success".
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THE 'NEW SCIENTIST' INTERVIEW WITH JOE GRIFFIN
We live in mad times. The WHO predicts depression will soon
rank second in the global disease burden, suicide rates are
rising, and the trauma caused by war, conflict or domestic
abuse is everywhere. The toll is horrific: mental illness
costs Britain alone £32 billion a year. And people looking
for therapy face a confusing tower of psychobabble, with
400-plus often warring schools of thought. Enter JOE
GRIFFIN, who says there is a way to lift depression in a
day, and told BARBARA KISER he can prove it.
How can you deal with serious depression in just a day?
The important thing is to know how depression is
manufactured in the brain. Once you understand that, you
can correct the maladaptive cycle incredibly fast. For 40
years it's been known that depressed people have excessive
REM sleep. They dream far more than healthy people. What we
realised - and proved - is that the negative introspection,
or ruminations, that depressed people engage in actually
causes the excessive dreaming. So depression is being
generated on a 24-hour cycle and we can make a difference
within 24 hours to how a person feels.
But how is dream sleep responsible for depression?
My findings show that ordinarily dream sleep does a great
housekeeping job for us. Each night it brings down our
autonomic arousal level. Dreams are metaphorical
translations of those waking introspections - emotionally
arousing feelings and thoughts - that we don't act upon
while we are awake. Once aroused, our brain has to complete
that cycle of arousal and, if we don't complete it in the
external world, we do so in our dream sleep. The patterns of
arousal are metaphorically acted out and thereby
deactivated. But depressed people do so much worrying and
feel so stuck that the ruminations cause an overload of
dreaming which uses up a lot of energy in the brain. They
also have correspondingly less of the most physically
recuperative element of sleep, so-called slow-wave sleep.
Which is why they wake up exhausted and unable to focus
their mind outwards and motivate themselves to get on with
life.
This is a departure from the accepted view, isn't it?
Yes, it is. But we have filmed hundreds of cases and you can
see time and time again that when depressed people start
talking about depression, they talk about waking up tired
and unable to motivate themselves. All day long they feel
low and emotional. Many describe how they have difficulty
getting off to sleep because of emotional thoughts going
round and round in their heads. And when it is explained to
them how they are doing this to themselves, the explanation
alone helps - and then the therapy we do with them is
primarily aimed at helping them to stop all the negative
ruminating. The common explanation that their doctors give
them is that there is a chemical imbalance in their brain.
But that's a half-truth: the other half is that their low
serotonin level is an index that their life isn't working -
their needs are not being met and they feel stuck - not that
they've got something 'wrong' with their brain chemistry.
Brain chemistry is not a cause, it is an effect.
So you tell your clients how they're generating their
depression, then what?
We use an integrated approach combining behavioural,
cognitive and interpersonal methods, relaxation, humour,
suggestions for exercise - all based on what we call the
"human givens", our genetic endowment of needs and
resources. Any skills the person already has that can help
them reconnect with other people and the wider community are
particularly important. Above all, we get them to use their
imagination differently, and this is not as difficult as it
might seem. Our job as therapists is to stop them worrying
and dreaming excessively. We do all this in the first
session, and for some people that is enough. Others will
need a little more work.
What exactly are the human givens?
Human givens is a phrase psychotherapists, psychologists,
educationalists and others are increasingly using to
encompass some new, large organising ideas that are
developing from what science is discovering about the
workings of the brain.
We are all born with a rich natural inheritance - a
partially formed mind containing a genetic treasure house of
innate knowledge patterns. These patterns appear as physical
and emotional needs that must be met if our minds are to
unfold and develop to their fullest potential. How well they
connect with, unfold and become enriched by the world
determines our own particular character, our clarity of
perception and our own and our family's emotional health and
happiness - as well as the maturity of the greater society
we create around us.
In addition to emotional needs, nature has given us a range
of resources to help us meet those needs in whatever
environment we find ourselves in. Depression is usually
caused by worry about needs not being met - needs for
control, for security, for meaning, for intimacy, connection
to the wider community etc. - and by misusing some of the
innate resources. Worry, for example, is a misuse of one of
our most powerful innate resources, that of imagination.
What other techniques do you use?
We also use metaphor and storytelling. People are used to
hearing stories and anecdotes so they're not threatening. An
appropriate metaphor, contained in a story, can bypass the
defensiveness of the conscious mind and go in as a seed to
the right neocortex, which understands patterns. Later on,
when the client thinks about the therapy, that pattern in
the right neocortex will fire off and makes connections
spontaneously, so they have an "Aha!" experience. They can
then "own" the insight, and it is easier for them to work
with it.
Here's an example. A colleague's elderly client was
depressed about becoming incontinent. He began telling her
about his uncle and aunt who had a lovely old country house,
where some of the family lived and which everybody loved. He
himself used to go there often as a child. And then
gradually he started to introduce the metaphor - that as the
house grew older, it got damper, and there were a few damp
patches and plumbing problems, but nobody seemed to mind,
everybody still loved the old house and they kept bringing
their families and their friends there. She came out of her
depression without even having known that she had had help.
This is because her brain had now absorbed a bigger
metaphorical pattern which could override the one that had
depressed her.
Are there kinds of therapy that people suffering from
depression would do well to avoid?
Research shows that any therapy or counselling that
encourages people to introspect about what they were unhappy
about in their past will deepen depression. This type of
therapy is based on a misunderstanding going right back to
Freud. He had a model of the unconscious mind that saw it as
being very like an underground cesspit - he believed that
emotions that weren't fully expressed are held onto in this
cesspit of repression, and the job of the therapist is to
release the noxious emotions and thereby free the person.
But this just does not work. Research has shown quite
unambiguously that dreams do this for us every night. In
other words, nature actually invented the emotional 'flush
toilet mechanism' long before Freud tried to. These kinds of
approaches to therapy, by encouraging emotionally arousing
introspection, are actually working against nature.
You have also ventured into one of the biggest minefields of
all, psychosis, where you suggest that schizophrenia is
waking reality processed by the dreaming brain. How does
that work?
First you need to separate out the REM state in which
dreaming occurs from the content, which is the dream. The
REM state has the same characteristics as the hypnotic state
- the left neocortex is generally much less activated, we
have instant access to metaphor and our emotions, and we are
responding to our own emotional inputs much more than we are
to external reality. Now imagine someone who has been so
stressed and depressed that their dreaming process has
broken down - their brain doesn't properly click out of the
REM state. They still have to try and make sense of the
waking world but are stuck in the emotional right-hemisphere
... whose only language is metaphor. It's a frightening
place to be. They are going to experience all kinds of weird
things.
Such as?
Take hearing voices: left-hemisphere thoughts are still
being generated in a psychotic person although they are
overwhelmed by the power of the REM state that they are now
largely operating out of. The only way the dreaming brain of
the right hemisphere can make sense of left-hemisphere
thoughts is to put it into a metaphor of 'hearing voices'.
And, as in the dream state, your sense of self is dissolved
because you are now acting out a dream script.
So if you are trying to process reality, you won't have a
sense of self with which to orient the experiences coming
in, and you're going to feel that somebody else must be
controlling everything. We are not saying that this is a
complete explanation for psychosis, but when it has been put
to people who have experienced psychosis, they have told us,
"thank goodness, that makes such sense to me".
How do all these ideas go down with the psycho-therapeutic
community? Are some people hostile?
When we first started it was relatively easy. We were
getting people who were already open to our ideas. Later we
met quite a significant bit of hostility. We'd get mass
walkouts of people trained by the Tavistock Institute in
London and places like that. This happens because schools of
therapy tend to degenerate into ideologies and don't work
with real knowledge. They become cults, with sacred texts
and high priests. Then they tend not to be open to new
ideas. But the encouraging aspect was the response of people
at the coalface - occupational therapists, social workers,
psychiatric nurses, GPs, counsellors working in the
community and so on. They knew their training didn't give
them many real tools to help people. And they were totally
willing to take on board new ideas and skills.
So how does the school of therapy you helped to found itself
avoid becoming a cult?
Science is based on the idea that any knowledge that we
currently hold is subject to revision in the light of
further facts. We incorporate the latest findings from all
the sciences and we accept and recognise that all the major
schools of therapy have stumbled on pieces of the truth.
But these are just bits of information. We don't buy into
their various ideologies. Instead we look at the information
and put it in a bigger model and integrate what is of value
within various approaches and discard what is not.
I must also say that perhaps one of the biggest bars to the
advancement of therapy in Britain is the criterion used for
recognising properly trained therapists. It is mainly based
on ideology, not reality. For instance, research shows that
it is absolutely irrelevant whether or not therapists have
themselves had therapy, in terms of assessing their
effectiveness, yet the British Association for Counselling
and Psychotherapy (BACP) will not accredit counsellors
unless they have had a minimum of 40 sessions of counselling
(which they have to pay for) themselves. And some other
schools of therapy require much more than that! So these
power structures are more concerned with protecting their
territory, how many hours training someone has had (not how
effective that training is) and creating work for their
members. Whereas I would say they should only concern
themselves with what works and assessing how effective an
individual counsellor or therapist actually is in practice.
And effective therapy is crucial given the alarming rise in
mental illness. Has emotion spun out of control in our
culture?
Our culture doesn't really have a handle on emotions. An
emotion is simply a 'box' in which the brain initially codes
incoming stimuli. So each perception is 'tagged' in the
anger box, or the anxiety box, or the sadness box. Our self-
obsessed culture treats emotions as though they were
something sacred and the most significant aspect of being
human, rather than seeing them as a primitive classification
system that usually needs further refinement. Refining
perceptions is the job of the higher cortex, which can fill
in the thousand shades of grey that usually exists between
the black and white of emotional reasoning.
Does this explain how easily we become locked in conflicts?
Emotional arousal is the hand-maiden of tyranny - in the
home and on the world stage. It locks attention. It stops
clear thinking and facilitates the rise of psychopathic
personalities who impose their will on others. The only
long-term resolution of conflict is to devise a social order
that enables more people to get their needs met.
And of course, conflict, whether it is on the battlefield or
in the home, can result in people becoming traumatised...
Yes. Any brain can become traumatised if put under enough
pressure from life-threatening events. It is not the amount
of abuse, nor the length of the time the abuse went on, that
is the key factor. It's the amount of damage that has taken
place to the development of personality, the failure to
develop essential life skills among people who were
extensively abused in childhood for example. It is when the
whole of their life has become dysfunctional that there is
usually a need for major long-term psychological and life-
skills education. This is more likely when a close family
member has done the abuse and thereby interfered with the
unfolding of normal development.
What about victims of torture?
People who can retain an element of control during long-term
torture or deprivation regimes are most likely to make a
rapid recovery. Even if it is only control over when they
scream - counting to ten, maybe, just before electrodes are
applied. We have treated people who have experienced extreme
trauma in conflicts in Eastern Europe, for example, and we
found them very responsive. And we have trained a team in
Northern Ireland, the Nova Project, which in the past 18
months has treated more than 300 victims of the violence
from both sides of the community with amazingly good
results.
How do you treat trauma?
We know that not everyone develops post-traumatic stress
disorder. It is a proportion of people who are more
vulnerable - very often those with good imaginations. When
we are exposed to a life-threatening event, our initial
reaction is to freeze to ascertain what is going on. Most
of us will then activate our fight-or-flight mechanism.
However, a proportion of people with good imaginations stay
in the freeze state, which is essentially a hypnotic state,
and an enormous amount of information from the traumatic
event is programmed into their limbic system. Ever after,
whenever anything at all remotely recognised as being
similar to some aspect of what happened when they were
initially traumatised occurs, panic and other symptoms are
automatically triggered.
How do you deal with that?
We use guided imagery to produce a deeply relaxed,
dissociated, trance state, then we use a technique involving
the metaphor of a video, "replaying" the memories very fast
to give the person control. This pulls the trauma pattern
out of the limbic system into narrative memory. Of all the
methods for detraumatising people we looked at this was the
most effective. All the therapists we train can do this. It
works because the limbic system is encouraged to replay the
memories whilst the body is physiologically relaxed. This
sends a different message to the amygdala, saying this event
isn't dangerous any more, so it doesn't have to maintain the
person in a state of hyper-vigilance. This technique will be
invaluable in the aftermath of wars, which traumatise so
many soldiers and civilians.
See also:
http://www.mindfields.org.uk
for details of available training, including in the 'Fast
Trauma and Phobia Cure' technique discussed above (see the
workshop programme) and
http://www.humangivens.com
for details of related publications including the Human
Givens Journal, books, monographs, audio-tapes and videos.
The original article appeared in the April 12th 2003 edition
of New Scientist magazine.
ABOUT JOE GRIFFIN
After studying psychology at the London School of Economics,
Joe Griffin spent 12 years researching REM sleep, the
evolution of dreaming and the roots of depression and other
neuroses. He wrote "The Origin of Dreams", the first
holistic synthesis - a recognition of the interdependence
of the biological and the psychological, that explains the
origin, function and meaning of dreams. Much of the
therapeutic approach that he and his colleagues have since
devised integrates his research with neurophysiology,
psychology, anthropology and sociology to provide more
consistently effective treatments.
These ideas triggered a quiet revolution: each year some
12,000 professionals, mostly funded by the National Health
Service, attend seminars and workshops to learn about them.
He has also co-written, with Ivan Tyrrell, several important
monographs, including "The Shackled Brain", "The APET
Model", "Breaking the Cycle of Depression" and a major book
"Human Givens: A new approach to emotional health and clear
thinking".
Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell both teach at MindFields
College, England.
http://www.mindfields.org.uk/
------------------------------------------------------------
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DOUG BENCH'S BRAIN STUFF
STOMP THE ANTZ!
ANTZ stands for Automatic Negative Thoughts.
Your evolutionary biological development has pre-wired your
Reptilian portion of your brain to OVER-Emphasize the
negative. This was necessary for life and death survival.
That's no longer the situation with our environment and
culture today, but your brain has not caught up with
technology yet.
Therefore you must learn to change your evolution by
stomping out and changing these ANTZ into positives.
You must then learn how to never again complete a negative
thought or statement. This is vital to your very physical
well-being and life.
But you must not just stop them; you must scientifically
turn those toxins into permanent positive neuron patterns!
Otherwise, you will be left with negative toxins
(neurotransmitters that have not been used up) which can
ultimately lead to stress related problems and physical
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Go check it out now! Everywhere that you see the
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------------------------------------------------------------
PROJECTS OF INTEREST
The Parenting Project
http://www.parentingproject.org/
The Natural Child Project
http://www.naturalchild.org/
Project HappyChild
http://www.happychild.org.uk/
Project Renaissance
http://www.winwenger.com/
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I hope you've enjoyed this issue of Parental Intelligence!
Issue 46 will be published on 15 June 2003
PLEASE MENTION PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS
WHO HAVE CHILDREN - THEY'LL THANK YOU FOR IT!
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Copyright (c) 2003, Bob Collier except where indicated
otherwise.
Published by:
Bob Collier
3 Goldie Place
Kambah
CANBERRA
ACT 2902
Australia
mailto:quauss-@hotmail.com
Have a happy and successful day!
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"Who is this bloke?" Find out more about the publisher of
Parental Intelligence by sending a blank email to:
bobco-@getresponse.com
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