|
The Daily Probe -- November 16, 2001
|
Top5 Productions
|
Nov 16, 2001 11:36 PST
|
===================================================================
[ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ]
[ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ]
[ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ]
-------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ]
===================================================================
Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions:
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ]
November 16, 2001
===================================================================
[ NEW PROBE WEBSITE ISSUE ON NEWSSTANDS NOW! ]
===================================================================
The new issue of THE DAILY PROBE is online NOW!
Read fascinating near-true stories such as:
* Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler Office Receive Crab-Laden Letters
* Nearsighted Nevada Voter Hits Record Slots Jackpot
* P. Diddy to Lead Office of Homeboy Security
THE DAILY PROBE -- Because *real* news sucks.
New issue online every Monday.
Click here -> <http://www.dailyprobe.com>
===================================================================
[ HEADLINES ]
===================================================================
Cafeteria Warns Junior High Students of Credible Threat of
Meatloaf This Week
Clown Fired After Laughing Inside, Crying Outside
Fake Brick Paneling Fools Neophyte Mason
A-Ha to Reunite, Suck
Wife Apparently Thinks "Sage" and "Oatmeal" Are Colors
Crock Pot Still In Box, Fifth Wedding Anniversary Next Week
Fonz to Taliban: "Sit On It"
Blurry, Average-Looking Girl Featured In Sports Section Ad
Nicole Kidman to Begin Enforcing 8 Inch Minimum
Study Confirms It: Everybody's Driving Sucks Except for Yours
Former Comic Strip Star Calvin, 6, Incontinent
===================================================================
[ DOMESTIC NEWS ]
===================================================================
LOCAL LETTER *NOT* INFECTED WITH ANTHRAX
DOWNTOWN YOUR CITY (DPI) - A suspicious letter opened at an office
building in just about every city today did not contain the feared
anthrax bacteria, officials announced. Local fire department
officials were called to the scene after an employee of some
company opened a letter that either 1) contained something that
could be described as a "substance," or 2) was postmarked from
somewhere "foreign." Police cordoned off the area while serious-
looking men in hazmat suits entered the perfectly clean, safe
building. The Daily Probe will continue to give you late-breaking
coverage of this lack of local infection, including reactions of
local people, interviews with a local doctor who has been brushing
up on anthrax lately, and what to do if *your* office is uninfected.
- Reported by Travis Ruetenik
------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------
GATES RESPONDS TO TWO-FRONT LEGAL BATTLE BY BUILDING LARGE BUNKER
REDMOND, CA (DPI) - Microsoft founder Bill Gates has chosen to
build a large bunker beneath the sprawling Redmond campus in
response to learning 9 out of 18 states will not participate in
the federal anti-trust suit against his company. Faced with
fighting two fronts, Gates has chosen to build the large
underground, fully optically-wired structure at a cost approx-
imating what he earns in an entire hour.
When reminded that this tactic proved fatal for Adolf Hitler when
he took on two fronts, Mr Gates calmly answered, "Adolf Hitler
did not have Windows XP. Windows XP is the pre-eminent software
destined to reign supreme over all of the inferior operating
systems. With XP, every person who uses the computer will be
registered and documented and we will easily know where everyone
is. It will be much easier to track these people from our bunker
without the distractions of a trial."
Mr. Gates new book "Mein Comp" will be in stores this February.
- Reported by Michael Sheinbaum
------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------
NEAR-MISS "SWATTER" INCIDENT LEAVES HOUSEFLY EMOTIONALLY SCARRED
CONCORD, CA (DPI) - In the aftermath of a baffling incident here
in which an unprovoked and inexplicable "swatter" attack nearly
killed a large male housefly, the lucky survivor carried deep
emotional scars for a full 5 seconds. "Man! I was just circling
the potato salad when *VHOOM!* -- this huge perforated piece of
plastic comes thundering down on me! Missed me by less than an
inch!" the terrified, disease-carrying insect reported. "Could
have been feet-up-on-the-windowsill time for me. Could have been
taking the express train to Fish Food City. Could hav-- hey, is
that bologna? Whoa! BZZZZzzzzzzz...."
- Reported by Joseph Moore
===================================================================
[ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ]
===================================================================
"Since I got my TopFive T-shirt, I've dated nothing
but Playboy Playmates. At least as far as YOU know."
-- Tristan Fabriani
Get laid. Get the shirt.
http://www.topfive.com/shirts.shtml
===================================================================
[ SHOWBIZ ]
===================================================================
SVB ANNOUNCES COMEBACK TOUR AGAIN
TENAFLY, NJ (DPI) - 1970's pop group Starland Vocal Band announced
the schedule for their 235-city Comeback Tour 2001, marking the
third such announcement in as many weeks. The additional
announcements were made in response to low ticket sales. "So far
we've sold... umm... 12 seats nationwide," reported Ticketmaster
spokesman Angie McDonough. "I haven't seen sales this sluggish
since the last production of 'Up With People.'" The Daily Probe
contacted Starland Vocal Band founder Bill Danoff for comment,
catching him between rehearsals for the East Sacramento Community
Theatre production of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown." "What
is it with you people?" Danoff remarked. "You HAVE to love us --
we had our own goddamn TV show! We were HUGE!"
- Reported by Kevin Wickart
===================================================================
[ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ]
[ Copyright 2001, Chris White ]
[ --- --- --- --- ]
[ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ]
[ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ]
[ *must* receive permission before using this material. ]
===================================================================
[ P R O B E I N F O ]
[ -------------------- ]
[ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ]
[ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ]
[ --- --- --- --- --- --- ]
[ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ]
[ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ]
===================================================================
TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com
Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com
Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com
The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com
The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com
The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com
Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com
===================================================================
[ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ]
===================================================================
|
|
 |
|
