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The Daily Probe -- December 13, 2001
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Top5 Productions
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Dec 13, 2001 14:01 PST
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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ]
December 13, 2001
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[ NEW PROBE WEBSITE ISSUE ON NEWSSTANDS NOW! ]
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The new issue of THE DAILY PROBE is online NOW!
Read fascinating near-true stories such as:
* Ashcroft Subpoenas North Pole Naughty/Nice Database
* "George is Dead" Rumor Lifts Sales of Beatles CDs
* Ford Issues Recall of Detroit Lions
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New issue online every Monday.
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[ DOMESTIC NEWS ]
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TRIBUNAL EXECUTES NEW MEXICANS FOR CROSSING ARIZONA BORDER
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - President George W. Bush ordered thousands
of New Mexico residents tried by a secret military court and
summarily executed as foreigners trying to infiltrate the United
States across the Arizona border this week. The firing squads were
finally ordered to stand down after someone brought Bush to the
White House Map Room and proved to him that New Mexico was indeed
part of the United States and its residents U.S. citizens. Bush
apologized for his error, saying, "In a war, you gotta trap 'em,
grab 'em, and blam 'em. There's no room for questions or civil
rights when your smokin' the bear that busted the fence. We're
toastin' frogs in the pond, folks, this is real barn jumpin' stuff.
The American people understand." Indeed, a Daily Probe poll
indicates that 57% of the American people agree with Bush's
statement that "sometimes you gotta castrate a cow or two when no
one's looking."
Not all of the New Mexicans were executed merely for crossing the
Arizona boarder, however, several were executed for attempting to
contact a lawyer or appeal their conviction. Explained Attorney
General John Ashcroft, "The American people must be protected
against suspects who try to exercise their rights as Americans."
Ashcroft also announced secret military trials for all Ralph Nader
voters. "They haven't broken any laws," Ashcroft said, "I just
think it would be funny."
- Reported by Slick Sharkey
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BLOODY HEAD OF BIN LADEN ON A STICK THIS YEAR'S TOY OF CHOICE
EVANSVILLE, IN (DPI) - Forget the Furby or Tickle Me Elmo, this
year's hottest holiday toy item is "Osama bin Laden's Bloody Head
On A Stick." Across the nation, crazed holiday shoppers filled
malls, searching frantically for the elusive item. Many shoppers
carried large wads of cash, others had heavy artillery and hacksaws,
hoping to snag one of these rare gems for their selves. "My kids
just have to have one," said one shopper who was searching the
shelves of an Evansville KB Toy store. "Osama bin Laden's Bloody
Head On A Stick" comes in both "Headshot" and "Bludgeoned"
versions, and is available in both bluish or sickly gray.
Batteries and "Slap-Around Fun Pack" are sold separately.
- Reported by Travis Ruetenik
Trav-@hawaii.rr.com
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[ HEADLINES ]
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* Excite@Home Users to Be Provided With Free Dialups, K-Y Jelly
* Condit Questioned in Disappearance of TV Remote
* Sheriff Slain; Clapton, Marley Sought for Questioning
* Charles Bronson Named Director of Homeland Vigilantism
* Savvy Guy in Hell Refinances Sale of Soul, Goes To Purgatory
* Garth Brooks Comes Out of Retirement To Help Fill
Overwhelming Demand For Mediocre Country Music
* Satan Giddily Bangs Jerry Jones's Wife as Cowboys Win Again
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[ SHOWBIZ ]
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SINGER JOHNNY NASH LOSING HIS EYESIGHT
HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - Johnny Nash, the R&B crooner who scored hits
in the '60s and '70s with songs like "Cupid" and "Tears On My
Pillow" can no longer see as clearly as he once could. Jim Fenton,
a spokesperson for Nash, admitted in a press release that "Although
Johnny could once see all obstacles in his way... he can no longer
see the rainbow he'd been searching for." Nash's doctors were
apparently baffled by his condition, noting, "Gone are the dark
clouds that had him blind" and that the weather indicated that it
was a "Bright sunshiney day." Physicians for the singer now
believe that cataracts are the likely cause.
- Reported by Greg Preece
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[ Copyright 2001, Chris White ]
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