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The Daily Probe -- February 20, 2002
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Top5 Productions
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Feb 20, 2002 22:17 PST
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[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ]
February 20, 2002
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The latest issue of THE DAILY PROBE is online NOW!
http://www.dailyprobe.com
Read the stories to near-true headlines such as:
* Feds Warn Against Non-February Black History Appreciation
* Lent: Religious Abstinence Celebrated With Breast Baring
* Westminster Kennel Club Awards All Breeds "Best in Show"
Amid Poodle Controversy
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[ DOMESTIC NEWS ]
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Horror Movie Shakes Parent's Monster-Fighting Confidence
OAKTON, KY (DP) - Connie Voprill found herself unable to calm the
fears of her 3-year-old daughter Rihannon after viewing "The
Mothman Prophesies" at her local Cineplex yesterday. "I think Rhi
noticed my hands shaking after I sent the sitter home and checked
in the closet last night. I was just too freaked to look under
her bed." A piercing scream at 2:14 a.m. brought the two terrified
sleepers together for mutual, ineffectual comfort, but it is
unclear exactly which of the two was its author. Lights will
remain on overnight until further notice.
- Reported by Martin Bredeck
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Jared Dies from All-Sub Diet
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - One of America's most-beloved product
spokespersons, 26 year-old Subway pitchman Jared Fogle, died
Tuesday of an apparent heart attack. His death, however, came as
no surprise to Los Angeles County Coroner Dr. Walter Kennison.
"It doesn't take a nutritionist to figure out that all that
mayonnaise is eventually going to take its toll," he said.
According to Kennison, even if Jared hadn't died physically,
he had already been dead spiritually for some time. "You are what
you eat," explained Kennison, "and Jared was a conglomeration of
glorified meat by-products, Wonder Bread and processed imitation
cheese-food. The young man's soul just rotted away."
- Reported by Chuck Sawyer
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[ Copyright 2002, Chris White ]
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