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The Daily Probe -- March 6, 2002
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Top5 Productions
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Mar 06, 2002 10:05 PST
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[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ]
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March 6, 2002
NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:
The sharp-eyed among you may have noticed changes
recently in the e-mail version of The Daily Probe.
The fact is that the main thrust of our efforts from
here on out will be the Daily Probe website, which
can be found at: http://www.dailyprobe.com
It's much easier to do a newspaper satire when you
can make it sort of *look* like a newspaper, y'know?
We will continue to publish the e-mail version, which
now serves as an announcement that the new issue has
been placed on the website for your reading pleasure.
We'll also toss in a few headlines, the occasional
news story or two, and -- as The Daily Probe is nearly
five years old now -- some odds and ends from our archives.
-- Chris & Travis
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[ PROBE WEBSITE ]
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The latest issue of THE DAILY PROBE is online NOW!
http://www.dailyprobe.com
Read the stories to near-true headlines such as:
* Jared Caught Watching Scrambled Food Network Late At Night
* "Ninja Throwing Star" Pentagon's Likely Successor in
New Defense Budget
* Multiple Firmness Settings Available on Newfangled
Mattress, Penis
* Armed Thug Gets All $5000 of Ben Stein's Money
* Long-Married Couple Enjoys Banal Sex
* McGuyver-Like Tactics Avert Coffee Maker Catastrophe
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[ A FEW FROM THE ARCHIVES ]
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McGWIRE SUES OVER PETTING INCIDENT
ST. LOUIS, MO (DPI) -- Home run king Mark McGwire filed suit in
federal court against Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa on Tuesday,
alleging that LaRussa had fondled McGwire's newly grown breasts
during what was supposed to be a pep talk in the manager's office.
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MOCEANU EXPLODES
MEMPHIS, TN (DPI) -- Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu exploded
early Wednesday morning shortly after making a third trip
through the food line here at Pancho's Mexican Buffet. Several
other diners and a bus boy were also injured.
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PARENT CHOWDER
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(Let this old salt clap a stopper over your child's capers.)
by Preserved Killick
Dear Killick,
I unwittingly stumbled upon my 16-year-old daughter, Menses,
bathing in a tub full of marmalade. I made my hasty embarrassed
exit but did manage to notice before I left that she was using my
best Seville marmalade cut fine and made with the best Jamaican
sugar. As punishment, I decreed that she was no longer allowed to
partake of English muffins for so long as she shall live in the
house. Was I too hard on her?
Magisterio Fluellen
Dear Leek-boy,
Which you Americans don't harf make me larf! How heartless is it
to deny a budding girl her nooks and crannies, or even the very
existence of them? The feel of a hot sticky substance clinging to
such places is bliss itself. And you wish to deny your child this
pleasure? You try my patience, Sir. However, had she been
bathing in the medium cut peels, with sugar imported from the
Canaries (a favorite of the Queen, according to her valet and my
old chum 'Festus'), I'd have been on your side from the start.
That would have been perverse, an abomination before the Creator!
ever your humble servant, &tc.,
Killick
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Dear Killick,
Last night there was a haze around the moon and I felt sure that
there was a sailor's verse which describes the likelihood of either
good weather or bad the next day. I tried to bring it to mind, but
my boy quickly lost interest and redoubled his efforts to bring
down a nest of hatchlings with his super-ball. How does the saying
go?
Bob "Burping Dingo" Convictsson
Fmr. Prime Minister of Australia
My dear Minister,
Which it's in the form of a rhyming couplet, so it's easy for us
unschooled nautical types to remember:
Red skies at night,
Nubbins are bright.
Red skies at noon,
Sing 'Brigadoon.'
And them fellers Gilbert and Sullivan, whom I sailed with against
the Lichtenstein Menace in the year aught, were a rum pair & always
favored silk leggings when they took punishment. Also, they spat
in their food before they ate it, a French custom, I make no doubt.
Many times I have detected the unmistakable tang of garlicky
saliva when dining in taverns along the coast of France. What a
gay and carefree people they are! But I do wish they would chew a
sprig of mint every now and again.
your devoted, &tc.,
Killick
(Preserved Killick & Errol Maturin wish only to insult the
bignosed, loud, know-it-all, armpitty chefs of France
and never the pert, doe-eyed, carefree, full-lipped,
generous-with-their-favors female segment of that population.)
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[ Copyright 2002, Chris White ]
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