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The Daily Probe -- September 18, 2002
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Top5 Productions
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Sep 18, 2002 12:43 PDT
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September 18, 2002
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[ DOMESTIC NEWS ]
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Study: All Children Hyperactive
CHICAGO (DPI) - Novartis Pharmaceuticals, makers of the drug
Ritalin, have completed a study which conclusively shows nearly
all children suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
(ADHD) in classroom situations. Children ages 4-16 of both sexes,
were instructed by a teacher to sit quietly with their heads down
in a classroom that simulated being consumed by fire. Despite the
teacher's repeated warnings, nearly 98% of the children exhibited
behavior from "extremely fidgety" to "defiant." Some were even so
disruptive as to leave the classroom completely. Based on these
results, the drug maker and schools have declared Ritalin a "food
supplement," and plan to provide it at all school meals.
- Reported by Davejames
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[ POLITICS ]
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Bush Now Totally Into Nation-Building
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush, who campaigned strongly against
United States involvement in foreign affairs, today announced that
he is now "totally, completely into nation-building." Speaking
informally to reporters, Bush confided, "I was wrong, plain and
simple. Nation-building absolutely kicks ass. It's like The Sims,
only a hundred times better because it's real."
Bush outlined an ambitious plan to back up his new passion. "First
and foremost, I intend to dismantle Canada's national health
insurance system. Right now, Gordon Lightfoot is on his death bed
and if we don't get some real doctors up there it's going to be,
'fellas, it's been good to know ya!' In the late fall, I'm going to
give Italy a major makeover. They've got a good religious thing
going with the Vatican there, but there's Jesus, and then there's
Jesus, if you know what I mean. I'm sending Ashcroft there with
some tracts and a personal letter from me recommending Rumsfeld as
the next Pope. In the winter, I'd like to work on Thailand. I
understand the hookers over there are as generous as Jed Clampett
and cleaner than Felix Unger. We need some of that."
- Reported by Jim Rosenberg
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