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Jest for Pun - Patience
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Gunjan
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Feb 13, 2004 23:19 PST
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JEST FOR PUN
13th February 2004
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I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
~ Rita Rudner ~
More Rita Rudner Quotes at
http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/rita_rudner.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> Dr. Stan Kegel's Celebrity Patients
If you haven't heard of Dr. Stan Kegel, puns are not yet
an affliction with you. When he is not punning, Dr. Stan
has been practicing Pediatrics and Pediatric Cardiology in
Orange County, California for 40 years. But on the net he
is we know him more for his punning and his pun lists like
Puns-of-the-day, Groaners Digest, Jest for Kids, etc.
Just imagine what patience his patients would need if Dr. Stan
keeps throwing as many puns offline too. If you can't, try again
after reading these celebrity encounters that we imagine
he's had over the years.
~ Gunjan
Don't worry Mr. Washington/Mr Gandhi it's just a
little trooth ache !
It's absolutely normal Mr. Lindbergh to have a
little weakness after a flew.
Mr. Einstein you seem to be inflicted by deeptheoryia !
;~ Gunjan
"I'm sorry tell you this Mr. Charles but you've developed a heart
condition. You've got arhythmia'n'blues."
Yes, Mr. Tyson. It's not uncommon for prize fighters to suffer this
sort of injury. It seems your manager has run off with your money
leaving you with a bankruptured spleen.
Daffy, I can see your pants are down, but the real problem is your
chapped lips. I can give you some medication for that. Shall I put it
on your bill?
Mr. Schulz, it's very unusual for a cartoonist to loose his voice,
but it appears you've got a Charlie hoarse.
Well Moe, you've got to stop hitting those other stooges over the
head. You've got a busted cap'o'Larry.
~ Gary Hallock
Sorry to tell you this, Ms. Nightingale, but you've got
encepha-light-us.
I appreciate the secrets of growing squashes, Sacagawea, but
I'm afraid I have some bad news. It's TUBERculosis.
Monsieur le President vous aves un Jacques-itch.
Mr. Rhett Butler. I suspect you have Scarlett fever.
~ Jason Dias
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Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult. His jabs
at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring conventionality still have
a penetrating power. His snubs and put-downs became the
talk of his time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750 biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> Meditations for the Jewish Buddhist
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as
the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet
the Buddha with posture like that.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life,
you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance,
do the following: get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind
that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this
and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness
to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient
being who happens to be Jewish?
Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten
thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
(Thanks Bryan... you were on the dot. I really loved that)
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'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> Limericks... On Anon
The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
~ Anon
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does all the talking !
Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Adorable little pun...
An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks
into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me,
mithter do you keep widdle wabbiths?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees,
so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a widdle white
wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like
that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't think my python
weally givths a phuck."
(Thanks Lanis)
===============================
Do you know the difference between caveat emptor and
an empty bowl of caviar? Likewise, if you've been carjacked,
are you the victim of a robbery, burglary, or are you just
happy to finally be rid of that 1983 Chevy Nova?
In If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?, you will find the
answer to these questions and hundreds of equally silly
questions. More importantly, you will learn the
fundamental principles of our legal system.
Follow this link and enjoy one of the best Book Descriptions
that I have come across...
http://snurl.com/acquit
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==> The Last Word
It was the third day in the trial of Moe Flaherty for
grand-theft auto. Old Mrs. O'Connell had overheard
Moe bragging to his buddies exactly what he had done.
"The Prosecution calls Deirdre O'Connell," ran the
announcement. At this point an aide to the DA ran down
the aisle, took Mrs. O'Connell's elbow and gently steered
the gray and, very obviously, nearly blind, woman down the
aisle toward the witness box.
Up jumped Larry Plimpton, lawyer for the defense.
"Objection, Your Honor!"
"On what grounds, Counselor? Mrs. O'Connell is
clearly on the prosecution's witness list and has yet
to be sworn in."
"That's neither here nor, there, Your Honor.
Mr. Dwyer is clearly leading the witness!"
-- Bob Dvorak (in P.U.N.Y)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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