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Jest for Pun - Ides, Brides and Hides !
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Gunjan
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Mar 13, 2004 20:11 PST
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JEST FOR PUN
14th March 2004
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A man's whole life could be changed by such a
fortuitous slip of the rubber...
~ Robert Benchley ~
More Benchley Quotes at
http://workinghumor.com/quotes/robert_benchley.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> Pun Trouble
I was playing sentence making with a group. The words
I got were kiss and nectar. I had to make one sentence
which had both words. I went for the obvious ...
While he gave her a kiss he nectar.
... They threw me out of the game !
~ Gunjan
===============================
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Fess Fink - reform school student, stoolie
Manny Hughes - age 4, crayon artist extraordinaire
Fran Ticke - a.k.a. The Deadline Queen
Punny names, joke-cartoons, and more at
http://www.grinningplanet.com/9001/jestforpun.htm
===============================
==> Learn your animals only from Ogden Nash ...
THE TURTLE
------------
The turtle lives twixt plated decks
Which practically conceals its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.
THE COBRA
-------------
The creature fills its mouth with venum
And walks upon its duodenum.
He who attempts to tease the cobra
Is soon a sadder he, and sobra.
THE COW
-----------
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.
THE OCTOPUS
---------------------
Tell me, O Octopus, I begs
Is those things arms, or is they legs?
I marvel at thee, Octopus;
If I were thou, I'd call me Us.
THE HIPPOPOTAMUS
----------------------------
Behold the hippopotamus!
We laugh at how he looks to us,
And yet in moments dank and grim,
I wonder how we look to him.
Peace, peace, thou hippopotamus!
We really look all right to us,
As you no doubt delight the eye
Of other hippopotami.
~ All by Ogden Nash
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'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> Learn your animals (Cont) only from Ogden Nash ...
THE RHINOCEROS
------------------------
The Rhino is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
THE WOMBAT
---------------------
The wombat lives across the seas,
Among the far Antipodes.
He may exist on nuts and berries,
Or then again, on missionaries;
His distant habitat precludes
Conclusive knowledge of his moods,
But I would not engage the wombat
In any form of mortal combat.
THE GIRAFFE
--------------------
I beg you children do not laugh
When you survey the tall giraffe.
It's hardly sporting to attack
A beast that cannot answer back.
Now you and I have shorter necks,
But we can chant of gin and sex;
He has a trumpet for a throat
And cannot blow a single note.
It isn't that his voice he hoards;
He hasn't any vocal cords.
I wish for him, and for his wife,
A voluble girafter life.
THE DUCK
--------------
Behold the duck
It does not cluck,
A cluck it lacks
It quacks.
It is specially fond
Of a puddle or a pond.
When it dines or sups,
It bottoms ups.
(All these verses are from
Candy is Dandy
- The Best of Ogden Nash
http://snipurl.com/candy)
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Beware ...
Following Brutus' turncoat attack upon Caesar,
an incredibly enormous state funeral was held.
The body lay in state in the Coliseum for
several days as tens of thousands of mourners
trooped past.
There was, however, much debate within the
family as to the appropriate disposition of the
body -- and each member of the family, in secret
from the others, approached the Director of the
Empire Funeral Service ("No Gladiator too
Small For Us") with instructions on how the
Memorial and final Disposition should take
place.
Thus it was, on the last day, when his Chariot
took that last, long ride to the Graveyard, that
the mortician approached the family. "The
pyre is ready, your Highnesses."
"What pyre? We come to bury Caesar, not
to braise him," came the reply.
~ Bob Dvorak
=====================
Do you know the difference between caveat emptor
and an empty bowl of caviar? Likewise, if you've
been carjacked, are you the victim of a robbery,
burglary, or are you just happy to finally be rid
of that 1983 Chevy Nova?
In If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?, you will find
the answer to these questions and hundreds of equally
silly questions. More importantly, you will learn the
fundamental principles of our legal system.
Follow this link and enjoy one of the best Book
Descriptions that I have come across...
http://snurl.com/acquit
===============================
==> Sa-tired this day (and age) ...
I want to get married too!
(A scene at City Hall in San Francisco)
"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a
marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses
to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings.
That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we
do love each other. Besides, we don't have any
other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and
lesbian couples who've been denied equal
protection under the law. If you are not gay, you
can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to
marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm
straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman.
I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to
discriminate against us just because we are
not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.
Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green,
and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I
love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June,
June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves
June and me. All of us getting married together
is the only way that we can express our sexual
preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay
and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of
marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line
somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit
marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides,
we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under
the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual
personality, so I want to marry the two
together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax
return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making
a mockery of marriage!!"
{All, in chorus} "NO! Your mayor started it!"
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
===============================
Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> The Last Word
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old , have a wonderful wife of 70
years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two
college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
(Thanks tOM)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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