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Jest for Pun - Fiery Stuff and Leftovers
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Gunjan
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Mar 25, 2004 00:10 PST
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JEST FOR PUN
24th March 2004
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The parties were lush, and so were
most of the guests.
~ Groucho in 'Groucho and Me' ~
More Quotes from this super book at
http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/grouchonme.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> Pun Smoke
If you have been on this list for some time
you have certainly heard of PUNY and the
O-Henry Punoffs. (If you haven't checkout
http://www.workinghumor.com/puns/jim_po_02.shtml
http://www.workinghumor.com/puns/tiff_po_00.shtml
http://www.workinghumor.com/puns/tiff_po_02.shtml
for some of the winning entries.)
Now Open Road Media has made a
documentary on the punoffs. They don't cover
the same part of the Punoff as the url's above
but concentrate on the other part of the contest -
a butting cattle ... I mean cutting battle called
HIGH-LIES & LOW PUNS where two contests
battle each other, trying to come up with one pun more
than the other on a given subject. Great fun watching
Brian Snyder battling defending champion Alex
Ramirez.
However, personally I enjoyed the extra features
of the DVD more than the documentary itself and
would heartily recommend the DVD (which has
no regional marking and can be enjoyed on DVD
players around the world.)
Don't miss Richard Lederer and George McClughan
in their elements. (A transcript of one of George's
tales is reproduced below but it's much more fun
hearing/seeing him deliver it than reading my
hopefully not too poor transcript.)
To get your copy of the DVD stroll along to
http://www.openroadmovies.com/store.html
~ Gunjan
===============================
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Fess Fink - reform school student, stoolie
Manny Hughes - age 4, crayon artist extraordinaire
Fran Ticke - a.k.a. The Deadline Queen
Punny names, joke-cartoons, and more at
http://www.grinningplanet.com/9001/jestforpun.htm
===============================
==> Missed out favorite animals (from Ogden Nash) ...
Oops you forgot my favorite!
What a wonderful bird is the Pelican
His beak can hold more than his bellican.
He stores in his beak all his food for the week...
...and I'm sure I don't know how the hellican!
~ Maureen
And how I could miss out ...
The panther is like a leopard,
Except it hasn't been peppered.
Should you behold a panther crouch,
Prepare to say Ouch.
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don't anther.
(All these verses are from Candy is Dandy
- The Best of Ogden Nash
http://snipurl.com/candy)
===============================
'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> Bird Hit !
She said - "Hello I'm Monica LewinSKEET,
Intern apPELICANt."
He said - "Oh before you fill in that position
we ought to bond. Remove your pullover."
So she pulled it off and said "Take a GANDER
at my great BOOBIES."
And he looked at her throbbing REDBREASTS
and said "There's a poem tattooed on each SWAN !"
and she said - "Yes, that's my PAIR OF KEATS !"
And he said - "Oh is that why they are read?".
And she said - "No, I was sunbathing topless and
fell asleep. That's how I got my scarlet tan injury.
And I love to FLOCK but I can't nary be FALCON,
FINCH I caught a venAERIAL disease and if you
touch it my rack will give you HARPIES."
He said - "Thanks for TAILing me and
SPARROWING me the pain. How about
ORIOLE sex? Any EGGSperience?"
She said - "John Jay and Byron White. I BLUE JAY
and BOBWHITE on the bench. He said that's GOOSE
enough for me. DUCK down and GOBBLE. So she CRANED her neck which was quite
OSTRITCH
to DIPPER head and BOBOLINK on BILL.
And he was RAVEN - "Oh STARLING ! Keep on,
Keep on, bob, bob, bobbing along and she was
having AVIARY PHEASANT experience until he THRUSHED; so his PECKER got
STORKED
and he almost CONDOR into a SWALLOW.
Well she was less than EMUsed, sat up SWIFTly
and said - "What's this GROUSEd JUNCO?" And
he said "SEAGULL, my COCK CROWED on your
dress and now its SPOTTED. OWL have it
MARTINized. And he WINGed and she saw a
FLICKER in his eye and noticed his PHOENIX
began to rise again. I know VULTURE RAPTOR.
A SEA QUAIL but if you want more sex you're
just going to have to WHIPPOORWILL.
~ George McClughan (in Pun-Smoke
http://www.openroadmovies.com/store.html )
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Comical Punning ...
If you are patient, and you wait long enough...
Nothing will happen!
(Garfield)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mouse: "I hear you volunteered at the monastery's
food festival today."
Pig: "Yeah, I cooked the fried chicken, but I got
grease on my pants"
Mouse: "What's wrong with that?"
Pig: "When I went to change them, I tripped
and fell on one of the monks."
Mouse: "So it went from bad to worse?"
Pig: "From out of the frying pants into the friar."
(Pearls before Swine)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Bigamist loves not too wisely
but two well.
~ Graffiti
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What first attracted you to the wizard, Blanch?"
"He was wearing this huge lodestone pendant...
And I had on a dress made of iron fillings !"
~ Wizard of Id
=====================
Do you know the difference between caveat emptor
and an empty bowl of caviar? Likewise, if you've
been carjacked, are you the victim of a robbery,
burglary, or are you just happy to finally be rid
of that 1983 Chevy Nova?
In If It Does Not Fit, Must You Acquit?, you will find
the answer to these questions and hundreds of equally
silly questions. More importantly, you will learn the
fundamental principles of our legal system.
Follow this link and enjoy one of the best Book
Descriptions that I have come across...
http://snurl.com/acquit
===============================
==> Descriptive Answers...
"Mommy, What is the definition of ..."
Abusive? --- What's the matter, stupid,
don't you know the answer?
Ambivalance? --- Well, it could be yes
and it could be no.
Amnesia? ------------- What did you just ask me?
Amorous? ---- I love the way you ask that question.
Antipathy? ------ You would have to ask me that.
Apathy? ------------- I don't care.
Apologetic? ------ I'm sorry that you have to ask me that.
Argumenative? ------ Are you looking for a fight?
Authoritarian? ---- I'll tell you when you can
ask me questions!
Bigotry?-------------I'm not going to tell
someone like you.
Compulsive? ----- I want to tell you right now,
I have to tell you right now!
Conditional? ----- Well, it depends.
Damnation? ------- You and your questions
can go to hell!
Depressed? ----- You would have to ask me that.
Dyslexia? ------------- Beeing Sackwards
Egotistical? ------ I'm the best person to
answer that question.
Evasive? ------------- Go do your homework.
Exhausted? ------ I'm too tired to answer you right now.
Flatulent? --------- That question really stinks!
Greedy? ----- What's in it for me if I tell you?
Hypochondriac? ----- The thought of it makes me sick.
Ignorance? ------------ I don't know.
Insecure? ---- I don't think I want to know the answer
to that question.
Insensitive? ------ I don't care if you don't know
the answer.
Indifference? --------- It doesn't matter.
Insomnia? ---- I stayed awake all last night thinking
of the answer.
Irreverent? ----------- I swear to God, you ask too
many questions!
Laconic? ----- Yep!
Masturbation? ---- I can single-handedly answer
that question.
Nausea? ------- That question is going to make me vomit.
Nonchalant? ------ It's not important.
Obstinate? ------ I'm not going to tell you.
Over-Protective? ----- I don't know if you're ready
for the answer.
Over-Sensitive? ----- How could you ask me a
question like that?
Pessimistic? ---- I'm sure I won't give the right answer.
Procrastination? ---- I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive? ------- I already told you the answer
once before.
Sarcastic? --- That's a stupid question to ask me.
Secretive? --- I can't tell you right now.
Seductive? ---- Lets go somewhere private where
I can answer that for you.
Self-Centered? ---- Well, I know the answer,
that's all that matters.
Senile? -- When I was your age, we couldn't
ask these questions.
Subjective? ---- It's all in how you look at the question.
Suspicious?----------Why are you asking me all
these questions?
Temperamental? ----- What the heck do you want to
know that for???
Verbose? ---- I'm glad you asked me that question
because I have done extensive research
into that very issue and am probably
the most qualified person you could
find to give you an accurate answer
to your inquiry.
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
===============================
Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> The Last Word
I got a new car radio yesterday.....
It has voice recognition.
You shout "soul" ....and it searches for a
soul station and starts playing soul music.
You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll.
You shout "country" and it finds country music.
Some children ran in front of my car, causing
me to swerve at the last second. I yelled out
"F***ing kids !!".
Now... my radio is playing Michael Jackson !
(Thanks Dianne)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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