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Jest for Pun - Breaking News
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Gunjan
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Apr 17, 2004 07:00 PDT
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JEST FOR PUN
16th April 2004
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If you are young and you drink a great deal
it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat -
in other words, turn you into an adult.
~ P. J. O'Rourke ~
More O'Rourke Quotes at
http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/pj_orourke.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> Royal Pun
spanking - What the tailors did before they made the
emperor's new clothes.
viking - The evergreen question ...
Does one really need the monarchy ?
soaking - Leads to reaping of new monarchs...
"The king is dead, Long live the king."
staking - A command often preceded by "Down, boy down"
sinking - The Lord of the (perenially undone) Flies.
~ Gunjan
=====================
asking -- did Britain ever have a King Dubya?
inking -- before he was deposed
liking -- was there ever a King Nixon?
cranking -- the magnate of the Thanksgiving berry business
hulking -- ship's Captain
~ Bob Dvorak
=============
looking - now we know why it's called the "throne room"!
~ Cynthia MacGregor
================
booking -- the chief spooker on Halloween
~ Jim Ertner
===============================
When the author was on her honeymoon, her third grade class
put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage
to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging
from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford
shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere.
This Third Grade Advice makes a fantastic wedding gift ! ;)
http://snipurl.com/thirdgradeadvice
===============================
==> Pun with Romance...
She met the man who was to become her husband on a bus
when she tripped and landed with her lips locked to his.
It seemed like kismet.
They met at a gala garden party in honor of her mother.
It seemed like fete brought them together.
~ Jason Dias
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They met at an herbalists' lecture. She was already 31 and still
single, and it was thyme.
~ Cynthia MacGregor
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They met at a Christmas tree farm. It was love at firs site.
They met at a gentleman's duel. It was love at sirs fight.
Only in Italy do they have true Rome ants.
~ Tiff Wimberly
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They met at the Hare Krishna festival. It was a chants encounter.
~ GARY HALLOCK
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Down at the beach the lovers met in sea grit.
~ Bob Dvorak
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'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> 2002 Punoff: A Royal Proclaimation !
Thank you, and welcome to the meeting of the Egyptology
and Glossallalia Society. Today, I will be presenting my
translation of an ancient letter that appears to be correspondence
between the king and one of his bakers. The translation is still
a little rough in spots, so I hope you will bear with me.
EPISTLE TO A BAKER FROM THE KING
(TRANSLATED FROM THE EGYPTIAN)
DARK BAKER, WHOSE ART IS HEATHEN.
YOUR CHALLLAH BREAD IS DRY, KNAVE. STRIKING
DUMB CRUMBS, STIRRED SWIRLS OF BEE DUNG,
UNEARTHED AS IT IS UNLEAVENED.
GIBBOUS DISCS RELAY OUR DELAYED REGRETS
AND FORCE GRIEVOUS ART TRUCKS PAST US, AS
SWEET FORGERS BOTH SHOOT TRUCKS PASSING
GRAIN PUFFS.
BLEED US NOT, HINDU TEMPLE STATIONS; BUS,
DELIVER US FROM WEEVILS, TO DINE IN THE
KINGDOME, WITH THREE CHOWDERS, UNDISTORTED,
FOR WEAVERS AND BEAVERS.
(TUT ANK) AHMEN.
(By Steve Nagal)
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Comical Punning ...
Brutus - "I was playing tennis and my opponent
ran me all over the court."
Brutus - "As soon as I lost the match the soles of
my feet began to ache! Do you think it's
serious, Dr. Beekman?"
Doc - "No - it's a simple case of agony of the de-feet!"
(The Born Loser)
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Pierpoint - "Jasmine will you think any less of me
if I asked you for a little smooch?"
Jasmine - "Don't be silly, Pierpoint ! I couldn't
possibly think any less of you."
(The Grizzwells)
=====================
Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
===============================
==> Pun with Group Nouns
Five Oxford University dons are strolling the Oxford streets
one evening and heatedly discussing some arcane aspect of
group nouns, such as a gaggle of geese, a covey of quail, and
a pride of lions.
As they expostulate, they spy, coming at them, a small but
conspicuous group of prostitutes.
One of the dons turns to the others and asks, "What would
you call them?"
The first, a master of culinary arts, offers "a jam of tarts. "
The second, a fellow in music, rejoins "a flourish of trumpets."
From the third, an expert In literature, comes "an essay of
Trollope's."
The fourth, twentieth-century literature, "an anthology of pros"'
The fifth, the dean of the dons and senior master in zoology,
closes the game with "a pride of loins."
But not closed -
No!
For the five pedagogues have only begun to tap this rich vein
of bawdy gold.
Read on:
a column of figures
a pot of flesh
a school of scandals
a chamber of whores
a turning of screws
a rumble of seat
a farm of fannies
a pyre of vamps
a bowl of cherries
a steamer of tramps
a can of manhandlers
a set of wenches
a soup of wantons
a stack of dishes
a comb of honeys
a plague of low cuts
a bench of solicitors
an expanse of broads
an attack of vaginas
a peal of jezebels
a handful of claps
a flock of swallows
a staff of infection
a frosting of hoars
a service of prosses
a heaving of thighs
a demonstration of piece
a vile of crack
a covey of tail
a casting of hookers
a shot of courtesans
an explosion of bangs
a bag of tricks
a swarm of B's
a suckling of pigs
a giggle of goose
a gift of grab
a melody of snatch
a range of mounts
a flotilla of carriers
a troop of pickups
a cantata of box
a garland of lays
a popping of turnovers
a contract of breaches
an infinitive of splits
a crook of buy hookers
a tour of pro-ballers
a trap of boobies
a suite of orifices
a bramble of bush
a clutch of beavers
a prickle of concubines
a litter of pussy
a caravan of asses
a catch of clams
a pinch of crabs
a twitter of tits
a dawning of cracks
a parade of beefeaters
a side of rump
an asstray of butts
a standing of ovulation
a twattle of busy bodies
(In U. S., From "Nothing Risque, Nothing Gained" by Richard Lederer
http://snipurl.com/norisque ... Do look Inside the book)
(In U. K., From "The Cunning Linguist" by Richard Lederer)
===============================
Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> The Last Word
A friend is teaching an introductory biology class at a local
university. The topic last week was mammals, and she was
preparing a Power Point slide show with images of various
animals to illustrate the huge diversity of the mammals.
Of course, the obvious place to look for images is on the
Internet, and she had great success with searches for
"armadillo photos" and "whale photos" and "monkey photos."
Then she made her mistake: she did a search for
"beaver photos."
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
====================================
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Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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