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Jest for Pun - Am I late ?
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Gunjan
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Apr 25, 2004 23:19 PDT
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JEST FOR PUN
25th April 2004
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Oh no! I overslept ! I'm late ! For my nap.
~ Garfield (Jim's Davis) ~
More Garfield Quotes at
http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/garfield.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> An Awful Pun
With China and India doing financially better and better
the power balances in APEC (Asia-Pacific Economic
Cooperation) are changing drastically. Feeling miserable
about being ignored at the last APEC summit, Thailand's
Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra is planning to launch
an agitation within APEC.
His slogan for the agitation borrowed from a Hollywood
Blockbuster will be - "Thais does matter!"
~ Gunjan
===============================
When the author was on her honeymoon, her third grade class
put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage
to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging
from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford
shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere.
This Third Grade Advice makes a fantastic wedding gift ! ;)
http://snipurl.com/thirdgradeadvice
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==> About CATS n STUFF -
(This was in response to Humorous Poetry #83 -
Catty Tales)
I'm having great difficulty;
in actual fact I can't see
why rev'ence attaches
and poets in batches
reflect "how I love my pussy."
To me it is quite confusing
a cat's meow isn't amusing;
she won't fetch my slippers,
demands daily kippers,
a cat pet is not of my choosing.
Nor birds, dogs, turtles or goldfishes'
and filling up animals' dishes
is (charitably) boring
and four-footers' snoring -
I can live my whole life without missing.
I'll settle for my jug of wine
and books, as I sit 'neath the vine;
if my God is just,
a 'thou' is a must -
A human - not some old feline!
~ Lane
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'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> Oh Shoot !
Old Seth goes to the doctor to see about erection problems.
"I'll be ridin' the tractor on the south 20," Seth said, "and the
warm sun and the tractor vibratin' gets it up! But by the time
I can get back to the house and maw gets ready, it's down--
and I can't get it back up. Can you give me somethin' to help
keep it up?"
The doc says no, he can't. Age carries its price. But-- perhaps
some signal could be arranged and maw would be prepared as
paw arrived at the house? Maybe maw could even meet him
halfway?
"A great idea!" says Seth. "There's a little grove about halfway
to the house from where I'm plowin'. Me and maw used to have
sex there when we were younger! It'd be a great spot. I'll carry
my shotgun and when it's all up and hard, I'll fire it and she'll get
there same time as I do. Thanks doc!"
Time passes. The doctor meets Seth at the bank one morning and
asks how he's doing. Seth says he's okay. The doc asks how Seth's
wife is, and Seth says, "Poor maw, she's dead!"
"Sorry to hear that," says the doc. "How did she die?"
"Just run herself to death durin' the quail season," said Seth.
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Go Figure ...
You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant
speed, on you left side there is an abyss.
On your right side you have a fire engine and it keeps the
same speed as you.
In front of you runs a pig, larger than you car.
A helicopter is following you, at ground level.
Both the helicopter and the pig are keeping the
same speed as you.
What will you need to do to be able to stop?
.
.
.
Answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round
and leave you seat to someone younger. Merry-go-rounds
are primarily for younger children.
(Thanks Dianne)
=====================
Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
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==> It's Pun getting the right word...
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor
was telling the guests about this home country and himself.
As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and
understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue,
he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter:
"What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable." As his companions
seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the
English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife,
she is impregnable!"
(Thanks Bryan)
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Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> The Last Word
A man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been one month
since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green
every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say
three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has
been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with
Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver
his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All
the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the
aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green
and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching
green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers,
"Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just
the reflection off her shoes!"
(Thanks tOM)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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