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Jest for Pun - PunOff Time
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Gunjan
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May 08, 2004 22:14 PDT
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JEST FOR PUN
8th May 2004
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A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.
~ Robert Orben ~
More Robert Orben Quotes at
http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/robert_orben.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> 2004 O Henry Pun-Off World Championships
Due to circumstances beyond the pale, the
27th Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships will be
once again held in Austin, Texas on Saturday, May 15, 2004.
Hotel construction near the O.Henry Museum has inspired the
event organizers to relocate to nearby downtown venue, but
the tradition of mirth and mayhem continues uninterrupted.
This irreverent assault on our anguished language annually lures
both veteran verbivores and naive neophytes on a passionate
pilgrimage to meet their Mecca in Austin.
Please note this is a shift from the traditional Pun-Off date
and venue. Wooldridge Square is a historic park located
downtown at 900 Guadalupe Street between the Travis
County Courthouse and the Austin History Center. It has a
lovely gazebo and plenty of grassy shade for "hillside" seating.
Free parking is available on the street within a reasonable
walking distance. Food and drink will be available. Spaces
are open for 32 competitive punslingers in two different
categories of competition. Many will be left out standing in
their fields as they attempt to harvest this year's bumper crop
of corn. Up for grabs will be the title of "Punniest of Show."
This freestyle competition for punsters with prepared material
allows 90 seconds for creative have-wits from every crook
and nanny to stuff their struts.
Later bushel come to shove as another corny crop of 32
contestants face off in the "High-Lies & Low-Puns" competition.
These punsters are paired up and pared down by battling in
wordplay on a given a topic with strict time limits.
Although the crowd groans louder and larger each year, contest
registration and admission are still free. Live music will be furnished
by MoPac and the Blue Suburbans at noon. The actual competitions
begin at 1pm and should draw to a twisted end near 5pm. The Friends
of O.Henry will also hold a used book sale at the event. Revenue from
refreshment and souvenir sales helps support educational projects at
the museum.
Word butchers and prospective pundits who wish to jest for a wordy
cause are invited to call or visit the museum. If you are itching for
more inflammation, The O.Henry Museum is located at 409 E. 5th St.,
Austin TX 78701 or call (512) 472-1903, fax (512) 472-7102.
Online registration for the competition is now available through the
website. http://application.microassist.net/punoff/index.cfm
For interviews or details, contact Gary Hallock at 512/453-4431 or
512/973-9929 <garyha-@mac.com>
Museum website http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/parks/ohenry.htm
Friends of O.Henry website http://www.ohenryfriends.org
Pun-Off website http://www.punpunpun.com
The ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN-OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS
is a co-production of:
* The City of Austin Parks and Recreation Department (PARD)
* The Friends of the O.Henry Museum , a 501(c)(3) non-profit
corporation.
* P.U.N.Y. (Punsters United Nearly Yearly) which is also without a
prophet.
===============================
When the author was on her honeymoon, her third grade class
put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage
to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging
from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford
shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere.
This Third Grade Advice makes a fantastic wedding gift ! ;)
http://snipurl.com/thirdgradeadvice
===============================
==> Moses supposes etc...
The cold North wind no longer blows
To the relief of each thing that grows
And out in my garden
(May I beg your pardon)
The roses I've raised rose in rows
~ Jason Dias
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jason said to all his friends and foes -
"Stay away from my rows of rose !"
But heavenly bouquet
Doth drive man astray...
You see ... Human nose knows no noes !
~ Gunjan
===============================
'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> Killing her gently with...
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all
kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little
appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find
nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from
depression.
The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not
hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife.
She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing
that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me
some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact,
violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in
prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this
powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her
to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving
his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love
elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning.
Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend,
and becomes concerned.
After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is
well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a
blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was
gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and
looked terrible.
The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???"
The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and
I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he
chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze.
Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim
and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few
sets of tennis.
As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to
the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense.
If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so
God damn frisky."
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Go Figure ...
A famous gay performer dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
St Peter says - "Ohh my, I can't let you in; while on earth you
killed a parrot."
"No," the performer insists, "I did not kill any dumb parrots!!!!"
He asks to see God to correct the issue but is told -
"Well, I am looking at the records and I see you did
indeed kill a parrot!!!!"
"Hey wait a minute," says the performer, "I may have
sucked a cockatoo, but, I never killed a parrot."
Drum roll.
Author unknown, Submitted by K. J. Corey
=====================
Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
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==> It's Pun getting the right word...
The automotive industry is undergoing an ongoing
evolution revolution.
Hence, we began with the SUV - Sport Utility Vehicle.
And then along came the XUV - Crossover Utility Vehicle.
What's next? You might ask? Mighten you?
AUV - Assumed Utility Vehicle
(pronounced "Ass U V")
BUV - Bush Utility Vehicle
(Gets 25 gallons to the mile! An ARMY TANK in disguise???)
CUV - Clinton Utility Vehicle
(Steam-driven by hot air!)
DUV - Dumber Utility Vehicle
(For dumb and dumber drivers!)
EUV - Extra Utility Vehicle
(For drivers who already have one,
but think they need another!)
FUV - Funky Utility Vehicle
(For black musicians only!)
GUV - Grandparent Utility Vehicle
(For old farts only!)
HUV - Homeless Utility Vehicle
(For homeless drivers!)
IUV - Incest Utility Vehicle
(For drivers in West Virginia!)
JUV - Jail Utility Vehicle
(For prisoners to practice driving!)
KUV - Kosher Utility Vehicle
(For anyone who thinks they need one!)
LUV - Lovers Utility Vehicle
(For obvious reasons!)
MUV - Moonshine Utility Vehicle
(For Starsky & Hutch fans!)
NUV - Notta' Utility Vehicle
(For people who hate SUVs!)
OUV - Open Utility Vehicle
(For convertible lovers!)
PUV - Party Utility Vehicle
(For nonstop parties on the go!)
QUV - Queer Utility Vehicle
(For gay and lesbian drivers!)
RUV - Robber Utility Vehicle
(For robbers to use as a get-away car!)
TUV - Test Utility Vehicle
(For educators!)
UUV - Utility Utility Vehicle
(For over-achievers!)
VUV - Vice Utility Vehicle
(For drug dealers!)
WUV - What Utility Vehicle
(For drivers who can't find their cars in the parking lot!)
YUV - Yankee Utility Vehicle
(For Americans only!)
ZUV - Zero Utility Vehicle
(For drivers who wished they had an SUV,
but don't really want one or need one!)
~ Kramer
http://www.StephenKramer.com
http://www.FansGoWild.com
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Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> The Last Word
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller
one turned to the bigger one and said, I can't understand how you
can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the
same size as kids.... I just don't get it"
"Well," said the big 'gator, "what you been eatin', boy?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "
Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that
law firm."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them BMWer's and wait fer someone
to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit
out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin'
the shit out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a
briefcase."
(Thanks tOM)
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Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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