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Jest for Pun - Blank (The King is not a subject)
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Gunjan
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May 17, 2004 04:31 PDT
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JEST FOR PUN
17th May 2004
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I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.
~ Noel Coward ~
More Cowardly Quotes at
http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/noel_coward.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> The King is dead, Long Live ...
Alan King, the Jewish comic extraordinaire, passed away early
last Sunday (9th May) of lung cancer at Memorial Sloan-Kettering
Cancer Center in Manhattan. Born in 1927, he was 76 years old
and lived in King's Point, N.Y.
King was famous for his unabashed sense of Jewishness throughout
his career that extended over five decades. He literally coined some
of the best Jewish jokes that still circulate widely throughout Jewish
circles today.
Yet he did not limit his jokes to Jewish audiences. King's jokes
made people of all walks of life laugh ... from black protest groups
to mainstream America on "The Ed Sullivan Show" and "The Tonight
Show", to Frank Sinatra shows, JFK's inauguration, and yes ... even
Queen Elizabeth II of England.
In loving memory, we present a collection of Alan King quotes
and jokes.
On Life:
"You only live once. Except for Shirley MacLaine."
On civil rights protests:
"Why is everybody carrying on about Woolworth's?" King asked
a black audience at a rally after the first lunch counter sit-ins of the
1960's. "Have you ever eaten at the counter at Woolworth's? If
you wanted to sit in the Colony Club I could understand."
On Banks:
"Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly
banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the
pens?"
On Jewish Mothers:
"What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually the Rottweiler lets go."
On Modesty:
"Modesty is not one of my virtues," he told The New York Times
in an interview in 1993.
On his parent's Russian roots:
King took his mother, Minnie, to see "Fiddler on the Roof," thinking
the fictitious village of Anatevka might bring back memories of her
own childhood village. "And when the show was over and we were
back on the street," Mr. King wrote in his autobiography
'Name-Dropping: The Life and Lies of Alan King', "I said, 'Ma,
how did you enjoy it? Did it bring back memories?'" "'It was
wonderful,' she said. 'Only I don't remember so much singing.' "
On Jewish Holidays:
King made famous the short summary of every Jewish holiday:
"They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat."
On meeting royalty:
Following a performance for the British Royal Family, he was
introduced to Queen Elizabeth. "How do you do, Mr. King?" she is
reported to have said. "How do you do, Mrs. Queen?" he is said
to have replied.
On Love and Marriage:
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two
separate books"
On Gifts for the Wife:
King told of a Jewish man asking his wife if she would like diamond
jewelry, a new car or a trip for their anniversary. She responded that
she wanted a divorce. "Oy vey," the man replied. "I wasn't planning
on spending that much."
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
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When the author was on her honeymoon, her third grade class
put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage
to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging
from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford
shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere.
This Third Grade Advice makes a fantastic wedding gift ! ;)
http://snipurl.com/thirdgradeadvice
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==> Humor with a Jewish touch...
Jewish Telegram:
"Begin Worrying. Details to Follow"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Classic Jewish Curse :
"May your bones be broken as often as the
Ten Commandments."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jewish Bumper Sticker:
Jesus saves. Moses invests.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Jewish Proverbs :
| | The heaviest thing in the world is an empty pocket.
God will provide. If only God would provide until He provides.
Some people may be compared to new shoes :
|
The cheaper they are, the louder they squeak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Flood worse than the days of Noah was foretold. Nothing
could be done to prevent it; in just three days the waters
would wipe out the entire world.
The leader of Buddhism appeared on TV and pleaded with
everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least
find salvation in heaven.
The pope went on TV with a similar message: "It is still not
too late to accept Jesus as your saviour," he said.
The chief rabbi of Israel took a slightly different approach:
"We have three days," he said, "to learn how to live under
water."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is
over eight days old?
A girl.
[Extracts from 'Alan King's Great Jewish Joke Book'
http://snipurl.com/kingjokebook ]
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'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> Pun with abbreviations...
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription
on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior
to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to
bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an
Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want
to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> A rose by any other name ?
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to
the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed Tom, "Can you describe your wife's
favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it"?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
(Thanks tOM)
=====================
Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
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==> It's Pun getting the right word...
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an
alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her
famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the
sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the
upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The
husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and
Louella has been charged with ....
(scroll down)
Misdewiener
(Thanks Dianne)
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Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
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==> The Last Word
When he heard he might be chosen to play in the NBA
the college basket ball player was so excited that he went
straight out and wrecked his car. Unfortunately he was't
chosen.
So he'd had what could be termed as a
pre-mature jock elation.
(Thanks Sandy)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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