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Jest for Pun - Here's the Truth !
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Gunjan
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Jun 06, 2004 22:45 PDT
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JEST FOR PUN
6th May 2004
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What is the Truth but an unexploded lie!
~ Jerome K Jerome ~
More Jerome K Jerome Quotes at
http://www.jkjquotes.com
^^^^^^^^^
==> Mothered Daffynitions ...
Cinema - That old land loving mother who won't let her kids
anywhere near the ocean.
Coma - The mother who wouldn't go it alone.
comma - http://JestforPun.com , (The mother of all .coms ;)
Dilemma - The common mother.
Dogma - That old mother bi$%^
Drama - A little but spirited mother.
Enema - one or some of the mothers, no matter how many.
Grandma - The mother of mother.
Karma - Model T ? (Daimler's "Reitwagen" sounds more like a Karpa)
Lama - The musically noted mother.
Magma - The repeatedly published mother.
Mahatma - Would you please pass me my headgear, mother !
Melodrama - I'm the conveniently placed little but spirited mother.
Pharma - The mother who lives way yonder.
SIGma - Mother involved with a special interest group.
Misnomer - This young lady got into this list by mistake. She isn't
a mother as yet.
~ Gunjan
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When the author was on her honeymoon, her third grade class
put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage
to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging
from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford
shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere.
This Third Grade Advice makes a fantastic wedding gift ! ;)
http://snipurl.com/thirdgradeadvice
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==> 2004 Winner - Punniest of the show...
Judges gave Ben Glazer and Gita Mani each 39 out of
a possible 40 points for Punniest of Show. Ben Glazer
then won the gold medal by the vote of the audience.
Here is his winning routine:
The Best Medicine
Written by Ben Glazer for the 2004 0. Henry Pun-Off
This is a DRUG STORE-y about my gambling
TRYPTOPHAN-tastic CLUB MEDICINE.
It was the MIDOL of the AFRINoon. The high
ROLAIDS over at the craps tables were LISTERINE
to an 80's cover BAND-AID singing "CARMEX CARMEX
CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CAMOMILE-ion
I was playing at a poker TABLET for a DIMETAPP, using
a SUCRETS card-counting METHODONE from a
CIPROfessional gambler to give me ALLEGRA-up. Keeping
track of my MONISTATs, I realized my PEYOTE was way
above average.
To CELEBREX, I MOTRINed over a cocktail waitress and
ordered a RICOLA. "SUTURE self," she said and went to
get my drink.
"BARBIT, URATE!" I called after her.
But instead of my COKE, she CENTRUM. In ADDICTION,
a MESCALINE bodyguard CAMPHOR me. He
dECKERD'S me as if he MENTADENT me and
MINOXODIL me out. As I ROGAINE my consciousness,
I find he's DRUG me up the STEROIDS to a ZOLOFT in
the back.
"CAINE, the club owner, is coming to DOCTOR you.
HISTAMINEst. I'd ADVILcate you don't LIDOCAINE."
"Hey," I responded, "ASPIRIN no questions, TYLENOL lies."
QUININE minutes later, CAINE enters and BOTOX to me.
"You play like a PROZAC. That stacks the DEXATRIM your
favor. I won't GERITOlerate that anyMORPHINE GAUZE it
VIAGRAvates me and could geTUSSIN big trouble. You
ADDERALL the cards ever again, you're putting your
KLEENEX on the line. Are we CLARITIN?"
"CRYSTAL METH."
And with that, he tells me to PAXIL my bags and
SENSIMILLA on my way.
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
===============================
'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> Barded Puns...
Here is the full set:
2 inches ... Much Ado About Nothing
4 inches ... The Comedy of Errors
6 inches ... As You Like It
8 inches ... The Tempest
10 inches .... The Taming of the Shrew
12 inches ... The Merry Wives of Windsor
14 inches ... Two Gentlemen of Verona
Wet ... Mid-Summer Night's Dream
Dry ... Twelfth Night
Masturbation ... Love's Labor's Lost
Orgasm ... All's Well That Ends Well
These are part of a set from Richard Lederer's book
"The Cunning Linguist"
(Former title: "Nothing Risque, Nothing Gained")
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Limeraq !
With apologies to Edward Lear, here are a few limericks
off the top:
(1)
There is a young lady of Mosul
Who's naked from head to her Tosul,
Aspar'gus she'll harden
To pleasure her garden -
She knows what the men won't the Hosul.
(2)
There was a young dame of Falluja
A Christian who'd sing Halluja
When it came to a hymn
She'd join in with him -
Cunnilingus, coitus, or Falluja.
(3)
That careless young lad of Karbala
Who hadn't quite all of his Marbala
He passed out as a he
And awoke as a she -
Though men are upset by Karbala.
(4)
There was a young lad of Umm Qasr
Who's hopelessly in love with a Lasr
He'd pitch her his woo
And they'd bill and they'd coo -
In Umm Qasr that Lasr he Hasr.
(5)
There was an old man of al-Kut
Whose sexual prowess he'd toot.
The maidens he'd chased,
And left none of them chaste -
That old hoot of a coot of al-Kut.
(6)
There was an old man of Kirkuk,
Whose hand he'd lost as a crook;
His prosthesis was sickled
And the maidens were tickled
By the hook of that kook of Kirkuk.
(7)
There was a young lass of Habbaniyah,
Who lounged by the beach Kabbaniyah.
The man leered with a probe,
Said, "You might just disrobe
For quite soon I shall be Habbaniyah."
(8)
They relate to the women of Irbil
Of a rodent who truly is Tirbil -
'Twas inside their pants he
Would tickle their fancy,
Did that Tirbil old Gerbil of Irbil
Aloha,
Lars Hanson
=====================
Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
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==> Outatheworld pun...
My daughter-in-law and grandson Eddy, were digging for
fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature,
Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
"No, Honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an
earthworm."
"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
(Thanks Jo-Lene)
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Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
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==> The Last Word
An Amish farmer got in his buggy and rode over to a
neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Jebadiah? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.
Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to
talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Jebadiah getting
my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk
to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any,
I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog,
but I really don't know how much he gets fer Jebadiah."
(Thanks tOM)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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