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Jest for Pun - Ignoring simple things !
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Gunjan
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Jun 21, 2004 21:36 PDT
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JEST FOR PUN
21st June 2004
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It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something
stupid to say and then don't say it.
~ Sam Levenson ~
More Sam Levenson quotes at :
http://workinghumor.com/quotes/sam_levenson.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> Punny Thoughts ...
I thought the smart thing to do after reading that quote
would be to not send out this issue! But then who
wants to do things the simple way !!
;)
~ Gunjan
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When the author was on her honeymoon, her third grade class
put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage
to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging
from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford
shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere.
This Third Grade Advice makes a fantastic wedding gift ! ;)
http://snipurl.com/thirdgradeadvice
===============================
==> 2004 Winners - Punniest of the show...
Here is the 3rd placed routine:
Hi, I'm Raquel Rockwell. Looking at my platinum diamond ring
and our wedding picture on the mantle makes me sedimental
about my ex, Mica Feldspar, quite a multi-faceted dude. A craggy
geologist, he worked for Cobalt Corporation, a rock-bound
conglomerate in Marble Falls. Combat tested his metal in
Iraqu-aMarine. Not that proud of being a coral-um, he came
back from his overseas tourmaline-ing all his drill sergeants
and top brass. I first met Mica in East Austin on
Co-malachite-flying contest.
He came over to me and my friends and said, "Excuse me, but
may I but-tin?" What a wolfeite-ing as much as I could against
his suave charm, I played hard to get at first.
I told him, "Galena-gainst some easy bimbo!" Later, I lead him
on, tellurium with coy flirting.
Getting boulder, in a most magmanimous gesture, Mica said,
"I'd love to avalanche with you." He offered me a Coke, but I
preferred a sodalite. I schorl-iked his looks -- hematite bronzed
physique from working out at the gem.
I acted so silicon-tacting him - caliche and every day and talc for
hours, cementing our relationship. I became positively obsidian
about him. He was mine, all mine! He proposed and introduced
me to his pebble. It was fun being his cute carbon-ny in the old
Mercury. We'd play rock songs like the Rolling Stones'
"Ruby Tuesday" and "Eye of the Tiger," oldies like "Rock with
You," "16 Tons," "Diamond Girl," "Stony End," "Rocky's Theme,"
and our favorite, "Everybody must get stoned."
Then we sang duets, with my perfect pitchblend-ing our voices
so harmoniously.
He'd hold me in his lapis lazuli petting me, his hand down my cleavage,
stilbite-ing me on my shell-like ear such a long time, bituminous. He'd
give me the cats-eye and say, "Lava, we lignite!" When we kissed, he
was sapphire-y. In Jasper, we moved into the Sandstone Apartments,
and he quarried me over the threshold. Wow, we made that bed rock!
I'd iron his clothes, grill marbled steaks, make coal slaw with carats,
roast turquoise, bake su-pearl-ative pyrite, and porphyry's coffee.
He was a picky eater and I'd beg him to trilobite.
Treasuring his family jewels, I yearned to raise a peridot-ing kids.
Sad to say, all too soon my ex stopped treating me gneiss and took me
for granite. Sorry, I need to vent. That vein drunk was a borax- ually,
a rubble without a cause. He'd tectonic water and gin with lime every
time he cinnabar. What an alkali-ar that he was, I could never trust
him to be truthful. I'd never metamorphic'le guy on Earth. Mica just
wanted topaz the night shootin' the bullion with a jaded bunch of
agates-those geyser nothing but silver-haired old fossils from the
Stone Age! Emerald geezers.
Not only that, we had budget problems galore, as though he was
antimony, couldn't keep a nickel. Geode everyone in town, with him
believing that was merely a miner problem. Some nights, he'd clam
up in stony silence.
Oy-ster-ing up trouble, Mica called me a parisite and an igneous slut.
He accused me of being a golddigger and treated me like an ore. I
was petrified of that spelunkhead with his giant chip on his shoulder
and volcanic temper. I was quaking in fear that he'd shovel me
around, tear off my slip-strike me, and leave his marcasite sorry to
behold. I couldn't alloy graveling at his feet. The fools' gold- ed me
for being frigid as a glacier because my mother lode-d me down
with all this sexual gilt.
One time my ex-husband practically basalted me, forcing me to satisfy
his carnelian desires. Land o' Goshenite and day, he was mountain me,
peter hard, but a disappointing seismic-key Rooney, not Mickey Rourke.
Not very meteor-ite that does matter! That pervert, his hornblend-ed
into my titanium. Ouch! He'd be in like flint, gettin' his rocks off,
the eruption comin' in quartz! Garnet, what crust, a spinel-ess creep
to the core! Something smelt rotten, realgar-bage! I schist had
sulfured so much. What a fool I amethyst-uff! He had a chippie on the
side so it's his San Andreas fault! I devised a plan of crystal
clarity: to poison them with arsenic and barium in a bauxite-ossed out
that plan because I didn't want to zinc that low. I was afraid of
tailings by the coppers. Mother-of-pearl, apache tears ran down my
cheeks as I gave up all opal-eaving. Abalone, we just didn't pan out.
Down deep ingots, I knew that our marriage was on the rocks. Onyx,
wipe the slate clean, steel myself, and toss him on the slag heap.
Mica, you alabaster-d. You're not gonna give me the shaft. Pack up
and beryl on down the rhodium. Grab a cabochon your little friend
to drive you back to Rocky Top, Tennessee! Fine, Mica, go gypsum
other woman like Anthracite. Shale soon realize you zircon-ned her!
I'm so relieved that pumice is outta my life. Mineral alike! Now, meet
my new partner, Amber Stone!
--by Laurie Poole
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
===============================
'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> No Bonds Today
Every time you buy a bond
Adolf has a stroke.
Why annoy Adolf?
Can't you take a joke?
Every time you buy a bond
Hirohito's harried.
Wouldn't you feel guilty
If he hara-karied?
Every time you buy a bond,
There's Benito's pout.
Is anybody cad enough
To tease a stylish stout?
Every time you buy a bond
The Axites see red.
Don't irritate the Axites,
Buy a drink instead.
~ Ogden Nash
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Suicide Averted
A man was walking across a bridge one day, and saw
another man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
He immediately ran over and said, "Stop ! Don't do
it !"
"Why shouldn't I ?" the man said, teetering on the brink
of jumping.
The first man replied, "Well... there's so much to live for !"
"Oh Yeah ? Like what ?"
"Well... are you religious or atheist ?"
"Religious"
"Me too. Are you Christian or Jewish ?"
"Christian"
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant ?"
"Protestant"
"So am I ! Are you Episcopalian, Lutheran or Baptist ?"
"Baptist"
"Wow !!! Me too ! Are you Baptist, Church of God or
Baptist, Church of the Lord ?"
"Baptist, Church of God"
"As am I. Are you Original Baptist, Church of God, or are
you Reformed Baptist, Church of God ?"
"Reformed Baptist, Church of God"
"Me too ! Are you Reformed Baptist, Church of God,
Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist, Church of God,
Reformation of 1915 ?"
"Reformed Baptist, Church of God, Reformation of 1915"
At that, the man rushed towards the fellow still teetering on
the edge of the bridge, with arms out in front of him, and shouted,
"Die, heretic scum !" as he pushed him off.
(Thanks tOM)
=====================
Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
===============================
==> Medically Pungent...
Q. If having your appendix out is an appendectomy and
having your tonsils out is called a tonsillectomy, what is
a sex change operation for a woman?
A. A Giveadictomy.
(Thanks Lane)
===============================
Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> The Last Word
We were on our way to the hospital where our
16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo
a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about
how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to
keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to
give you a phone."
(Thanks Jo-Lene)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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