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Jest for Pun - Jason on the Dais
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Gunjan
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Jun 27, 2004 11:31 PDT
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JEST FOR PUN
27th June 2004
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One should forgive one's enemies,
but not before they are hanged.
~ Heinrich Heine ~
More Heinrich Heine quotes at :
http://workinghumor.com/quotes/heinrich_heine.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> Punny Thoughts ...
Reading all the reports about Michael Moore and
Fahrenheit 9/11 infuriated George W to the extent that
he went on a rampage and sacked more than half his
staff (We're not talking Bobbitt stuff here).
I can understand his fury. He had hand-picked these
goons to intimidate the entire world. And they couldn't
even keep an American quiet!
Anyway, the whole thing is currently the burning issue
in DC and is being referred to as "The Bush Fires".
~ Gunjan
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When the author was on her honeymoon, her third grade class
put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage
to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging
from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford
shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere.
This Third Grade Advice makes a fantastic wedding gift ! ;)
http://snipurl.com/thirdgradeadvice
===============================
==> Pun with Toot Fairy...
A most amusing clock I once knew
Was owned by the Archbishop Tutu
It took unusual form:
A dress in ballet worn;
Tutu's tutu tooted two to two
Although it looks like a tongue-twister put together by
the inestimable Gary Hallock, this lim is actually based
on this Bulwer Lytton contest entry developed independently
by yours truly:
Master clock maker Raymond Tutu's masterpiece was this:
at 1:58pm each day, two tiny Volkswagens drove around the
edge of the clock blowing their horns, while a pair of inked
ballerina fishes holding schoolbooks twirled and danced, then
blew on tubas which made a noise much like the Volkswagen
horns; thus Tutu's two tattooed tutued tuna tutors tootled tubas
at two to two too.
Unfortunately, I couldn't fit 20 syllables in the last line.
~ Jason Dias
From the Archives of
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/limericks_n_haiku/
===============================
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and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
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===============================
==> No Bonds Today
My friend and I needed a break from the boring language lesson,
so I asked Mme DesJardins for a bathroom break. When she
said, "En francais, sil-vous plait," I responded with the entirety
of the French language I had absorbed to that point:
"Mais, oui oui?"
~ Jason Dias
==========**********O**********==========
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
==========**********O**********==========
===> Suicide Averted
I wrote this two weeks before the pun off but decided not to use
it. You can thank me another time for NOT singing at the pun-off.
Trust me. This might be presented in a future year, however, so
bring you ear plugs.
Souper Cal
Emcee: "And now Jason Dias as Dick Van Dyke."
Jason walks in wearing red and white striped coat (vertical), white
hat with red hat band, white pants, cane in hand, doing best
possible Iowa-Farmboy Pretends To Be Cockney accent. To the tune of
Supercalifragellisticexpiallidocious from Mary Poppins:
Stock-maker Cal repented with a salty leather whip
The same guy who invented a computer to give lip
He named it for a movie voice that threatened some guy Dave,
And while he used his whip of choice, scourging advice it gave!
Oh, souper Cal was flaggelistic, XP-Hal precocious
Even though the whip was something never used to goad us.
I heard that once XP Hal had told him of his focus:
Repenting sin with leather whips is just hocus pocus!
Um didle liddle liddle um dee li
Um didle liddle liddle um dee li
Um didle liddle liddle um dee li
Um didle liddle liddle um dee li
Now Cal has prob'ly heard our song and seeks legal action
Supported by his female friend, seeking satisfaction
Lawsuit Cal just wants some cash to straighten his bent nose
But his lady friend would rather dash our brains out as she goes!
Oh, Suer Cal who's friend bears lipstick while trying to smoke us
Are definitely homicidal, don't even try to joke us.
We'd send him an apology but he'd reject our tokens.
Oh, Super Cal was flagellistic, XP Hal precocious!
Jason Dias
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Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
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==> When you gotta...
The young man went through the jazz section of the vintage
record store in Chelsea, feverishly looking for a particular artist.
He was doing a serious pee-pee dance as he sorted through the
records.
The clerk became a little suspicious. It was 2pm on a Wednesday
and the fellow was wearing a suit and tie - admitted disheveled,
but he still looked like he belonged at work somewhere.
The uncomfortable shopper, unbeknownst to the clerk, was suffering
the symptoms of extreme stress, and had been ordered to take a few
days off, but had misunderstood the instructions.
Finally, he seemed to find what he was looking for. He whipped the
LP out of the bin, threw it on the floor, and proceeded to hurriedly
unbutton his pants.
The clerk leaped into action, yelling, "Hey, what are you doing?"
The shopper, confused at being shouted at, replied, "But my manager
said I had to go on Holiday!"
~ Jason Dias
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Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
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==> The Last Word
At the brothel, the man made a joke about each potential
bedmate in turn until one slapped him in the face.
"I'd like her," he said to the Madam.
"What on Earth was that all about?" she asked.
"Well, it's the only piece of advice my father gave me. He
said, `screw em if they can't take a joke.'"
~ Jason Dias
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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