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Jest for Pun - Greenspun Limericks et al
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Gunjan
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Sep 05, 2004 22:43 PDT
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JEST FOR PUN
2nd September 2004
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The English have no soul; they have the understatement instead.
~ George Mikes (How to be an Alien) ~
More humorous quotes from this book at :
http://workinghumor.com/quotes/alien.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> Beastly Pun
Leo and his neighbor had agreed to go halvsies on some hedges,
buying a whole lot on sale, each paying half and taking half. But
when Leo came home he found his neighbor had appropriated
more than his fair share.
Leo accused his neighbor of being a hedge hog.
~ Cynthia MacGregor
http://cynthiamacgregor.com/
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Did you know that Ogden Nash had an upper-class drawl?
Who would have guessed that Dorothy Parker, wicked and
irreverent, might have passed on the phone as the headmistress
of an exclusive girl's school?
Check out for yourself ...
Voice of the Poet, American Wits
http://snipurl.com/nashvoice
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==> Pun with Possibilities ?
If you're drilling for water and strike oil, could you consider
that occidental petroleum?
If you want to polish the furniture on a U-boat without anyone
noticing it, should you use subliminal?
If you're teaching beginners to dribble a basketball, should you
first lay out the ground drools?
~ GARY HALLOCK
If your budget is in the red because of your vacation trip, Do you
have Bermuda shorts?
~ Norm
If you thought you were in debt but you were wrong, is it because
you red the budget incorrectly?
If a basketball player figures in all his deductions, is his
paycheck nothing but net?
If you got a body rub you could not even feel, would it be a sublime
and dull massage?
~ Jason Dias
If you are timing the progress of a boat with a chronometer and it
achieves a certain speed while you're observing it, might you report
"Knot on my watch."
If a female masseuse is called in to "work over" members of a musical
troupe but is not allowed to wear latex gloves, would she have to rub
'er band with rubber banned?
~ GARY HALLOCK
If you wanted to end it all by leaping off a cliff but a thick fog
rolled in just before you made your leap, would you be jumping to
occlusion?
If an escaped prisoner caught a ride with Siamese twins, should you
consider them conjoined?
~ Gary Hallock
(From a P.U.N.Y Thread
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/puny/)
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'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
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===============================
===> Doggie Style Limerick
Out in Texas, a cowpoke named Sid
Took to heart words from songs as a kid.
Bought a dachshund one day
'Cause the lyrics did say:
"Get a long little doggie." He did.
~ Kirk Miller
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I have never in my life said anything other than laudatory
Of the works of Ogden Nash, whose innovations were
chiefly auditory,
Meaning that he brought a new kind of sound to our
literary diversions
And didn't care much about breaking the poetic laws of
the Medes and the Persians
~ Anthony Burgess - introducing the book "Candy is Dandy"
http://snipurl.com/candy
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===> Pun with Class
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when
they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male
dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach
her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,
she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the
words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent
sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says,
"I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination
or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and says, "How well can you do?"
" Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as
dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the
three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns
to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
(Thanks tOM)
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Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
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==> Alan Greenspan Reads 'The Man From Nantucket'
Once upon a period demarcating a distinctive historical
era there lived an adult male personage in an urban area
within which the boundaries bore the name of Nantucket.
A profane term for the copulatory organ of the aforementioned
protagonist was of such a gargantuan linear dimension he could
draw it into his oratory orifice, thereby creating a practical vacuum.
On one occasion, while scraping the protruding region of his
lower jaw, he recounted with a facial expression demonstrating
both pleasure and amusement:
"If my sense organ for hearing and equilibrium were an obscene
terms for female genitals I would perform a congressional act upon it."
Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners
(P.S - Just in case you don't recall the naughty original version
http://www.jokes2go.com/poems/9719.html)
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Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
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==> The Last Word...
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see
some pitiful Yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and inquires: "You ain't from around
here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy answers: "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks: "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy proudly announces: "I'm a taxidermist."
Expecting a verbal trap, the bartender asks: "A taxidermist?
Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
Sensing hostility, the guy answers nervously: "I mount animals."
The bartender turns around, grins and shouts out to the whole bar:
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
(Thanks tOM)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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