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Jest for Pun - Counting Backwards
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Gunjan
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Nov 23, 2004 09:23 PST
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JEST FOR PUN
23rd November 2004
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If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss
a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.
~ Thomas Carlyle ~
More Humorous Quotes on Kissing/Kisses at :
http://workinghumor.com/quotes/kisses.shtml
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===> Thanksgiving Rhyme
Twas the night of thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.
* May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious may your pies take the prize,
May your thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
(Thanks Jo-Lene's Daily Humor)
===============================
Did you know that Ogden Nash had an upper-class drawl?
Who would have guessed that Dorothy Parker, wicked and
irreverent, might have passed on the phone as the headmistress
of an exclusive girl's school?
Check out for yourself ...
Voice of the Poet, American Wits
http://snipurl.com/nashvoice
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==> Poppin' Pun
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to
worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel
for the night. She approached the receptionist and
asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is
available all night. Would you care to select something
from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm,
I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would
love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up
to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully
and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning, madam.
Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional,
I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though,
they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh, well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to
our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to
improve our service and would value your opinion," said
the receptionist.
"Ok, I will, thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out,
paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the
comment Mary had written. ...
"Super cauliflower cheese but eggs were quite atrocious!"
(Thanks Dr. Stan Kegel ... Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners )
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'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
===> Musical Solution
Onstage, Billy Lorraine was a fine performer, but offstage
he had a stammering problem. Whenever he was upset,
or nervous, he would stutter. But when he sang, he was fine.
We were in Toledo once, and I was sitting in a restaurant,
and Billy came rushing in. "W-w-w-we-we-we-b-b-b-be-be.."
"Slow Billy," I said, "say it slow."
"W-w-w-w-we-we-we-b-b..."
"Sing it," I suggested.
He nodded, took a deep breath, speak his arms wide,
and sang beautifully:
"We've been robbed!"
(George Burns in "Gracie"
http://snipurl.com/gracie )
=====================
Having just read Tom Robbin's Still Life with Woodpecker,
the title of this book was bound to catch my eye. But
reading the reviews and "Looking Inside" made it
irresistible to share with you ...
Check out "Still Life with Bottle"
http://snipurl.com/bottle
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===> Seasonal Lims
Halloween
When I was a babe, two or three,
My first Jack O'Lantern I'd see,
On porch it would sit,
With toothy grin lit,
And sure scare the hell out a' me!
Thanksgiving
At Thanksgiving we've turkey immense,
But I'm usually cheated, I sense,
The kids get the breast,
My wife, thighs and rest,
They leave me last part o'er the fence!
Christmas
If you come to my house you will see,
Out front there's a great Christmas tree,
Green needles, it's gott 'em,
And down on the bottom,
That's where my big dog likes to pee.
New Years Eve
On night when the old year out passes,
Folks gather and raise a few glasses,
Indulge in some drink,
And usually, I think,
End up falling down on their asses.
~ Chris Papa
Partners in Rhyme
http://home.att.net/~doxite/partnersinrhyme/
===================
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
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==> Pun ways to keep intruders out !!
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars
out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed
locations...
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight
pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him
angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our
mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail
into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your
body well clear of all openings.
P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for,
"The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you
go inside! The termites have eaten through most of
the floorboards and you will fall into the basement
where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this
house have been engraved with Federal Identification
Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode
when touched. Good luck...
Selma, don't come in!
The boa constrictor got loose again...
(Thanks Jo-Lene's Daily Humor)
===============================
Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> The Last Word...
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving
in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were
standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a
truck approached them.
Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and
offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run
out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than
happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't
have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan
from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do.
He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple
of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the
sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully but awkwardly pouring
the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.
He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then
said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going
to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
(Thanks tOM)
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Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
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