|
Jest for Pun - Nash-ty Stuff
|
Gunjan
|
Aug 19, 2004 11:59 PDT
|
JEST FOR PUN
19th August 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only way I can distinguish proper from
improper fractions is by their actions.
~ Ogden Nash ~
More humorous quotes from Ogden Nash at :
http://workinghumor.com/quotes/ogden_nash.shtml
^^^^^^^^^
==> Nash-ty Stuff
Hi Friends,
Today, August 19th is the birthday of Ogden Nash.
In celebration today's issue has Ogden Nash,
Ogden Nash and more Ogden Nash.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I did putting it together
~ Gunjan
===============================
Did you know that Ogden Nash had an upper-class drawl?
Who would have guessed that Dorothy Parker, wicked and
irreverent, might have passed on the phone as the headmistress
of an exclusive girl's school?
Check out for yourself ...
Voice of the Poet, American Wits
http://snipurl.com/nashvoice
===============================
==> A Brief Guide to Rhyming,
or
How Be the Little Busy Doth?
English is a language than which none is sublimer,
But it presents certain difficulties for the rhymer.
There are no rhymes for orange or silver
Unless liberties you pilfer.
I was once slapped by a young lady named Miss Goringe,
And the only reason I was looking at her that way,
she represented a rhyme for orange.
I suggest that some painter do a tormented mural
On the perversity of the English plural,
Because perhaps the rhymer's greatest distress
Is caused by the letter s.
Oh, what a tangled web the early grammarians spun!
The singular verb has an s and the singular noun
has none.
The rhymer notes this fact and ponders without
success on it,
And moves on to find that his plural verb has dropped
the s and his plural noun has grown an s on it.
Many a budding poet has abandoned his career
Unable to overcome this problem: that while the
ear hears, the ears hear.
Yet he might have had the most splendiferous of careers
If only the s's came out even and he could tell us what
his ears hears.
However, I am happy to say that out from the bottom of
this Pandora's box there flew a butterfly, not a moth,
The darling, four-letter word d-o-t-h, which is pronounced
duth, although here we pronounce it doth.
Pronounce? Let jubilant rhymers pronounce it loud and clear,
Because when they can't sing that their ear hear they can
legitimately sing that their ear doth hear.
~ Ogden Nash
===============================
'Great Speaking'
If you're interested in good Public Speaking Tips
and Tips on using Humor in your presentations,
I strongly recommend Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking'
newsletter. With over 1,20,000 subscribers and
fantastic fee structure (It's free) wouldn't you
say it's definitely worth a try? Check it out at
http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606
===============================
==> The Ant
The ant has made himself illustrious
Through constant industry industrious.
So what?
Would you be calm and placid
If you were full of formic acid?
~ Ogden Nash
==========**********O**********==========
Rampant wit and humor abound in this new collection of Nash's
best-loved verses about animals, delightfully illustrated by
award-winning illustrator Etienne Delessert.
65 black-and-white illustrations.
==========**********O**********==========
===> CAN I GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER
OR
PLEASE CLOSE THE GLOTTIS AFTER YOU
One trouble with a cough,
It never quite comes off.
Just when you think you're through coughing
There's another cough in the offing.
Like the steps of a moving stair
There is always another cough there.
When you think you are through with the spasm
And will plunge into sleep like a chasm,
All of a sudden, quickly,
Your throat gets tickly.
What is this thing called a cough
That never quite comes off?
Well, the dictionary says its an expulsion of air
from the lungs with violent effort and noise
produced by abrupt opening of the glottis,
To which I can only reply, Glottis - schmottis!
Not that I reject the glottis theory, indeed I pride
myself on the artistry
Of my glottistry,
But there is a simpler definition with which I freely
present you:
A cough is something that you yourself can't help,
but everybody else does on purpose just to
torment you.
~ Ogden Nash (http://snipurl.com/nashzoo)
=====================
When the author was on her honeymoon, her third grade class
put together a booklet they called Advice for a Happy Marriage
to present to her when she returned. In it are musings ranging
from the truly wise to the uproariously funny. Now, Dietz Crawford
shares these nuggets of wisdom with readers everywhere.
This Third Grade Advice makes a fantastic wedding gift ! ;)
http://snipurl.com/thirdgradeadvice
===============================
===> THE TROUBLE WITH WOMEN IS MEN
A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches
the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus,
Particularly on those occasions when between the humidity and
the mosquitoes your own bed is no longer in bed, but
an insomnibus,
And if you turn on the light for a little reading he is sensitive to
the faintest gleam,
But if by any chance you are asleep and he wakeful, he is not slow
to rouse you with complaint that he cant close his eyes,
what about slipping downstairs and freezing him a cooling
dish of pistachio ice cream.
His touch with a bottle opener is sure,
But he cannot help you get a tight dress over your head without
catching three hooks and a button in your coiffure.
Nor can he so much as wash his ears without leaving an inch of
water on the bathroom linoleum,
But if you mention it you evoke not a promise to splash no more
but a mood of deep melancholium.
Indeed, each time he transgresses your chance of correcting his
faults grows lesser,
Because he produces either a maddeningly logical explanation or
a look of martyrdom which leaves you instead of him
feeling the remorse of the transgressor.
Such are husbandly foibles, but there are moments when a foible
ceases to be foible.
Next time you ask for a glass of water and when he brings it you
have a needle almost threaded and instead of setting it down
he stands there holding it out to you, just kick him fairly hard
in the stomach, you will find it thoroughly enjoible.
~ Ogden Nash
=====================
Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
===============================
===> THE STRANGE CASE OF MR. ORMANTUDE'S BRIDE
Once there was a bridegroom name Mr. Ormantude whose
intentions were hard to disparage,
Because he intended to make his a happy marriage,
And he succeeded for going on fifty years,
During which he was in marital bliss up to his ears.
His wife's days and nights were enjoyable
Because he catered to every foible;
He went around humming hymns
And anticipating her whims.
Many a fine bit of repartee died on his lips
Lest it throw her anecdotes into eclipse;
He was always silent when his cause was meritorious,
And he never engaged in argument unless sure he was so
obviously wrong that she couldn't help emerging victorious,
And always when in her vicinity
He was careful to make allowances for her feminity;
Were she snappish, he was sweetish,
And of understanding her he made a fetish.
Everybody said his chances of celebrating his golden wedding
looked good,
But on his golden wedding eve he was competently poisoned by
his wife who could no longer stand being perpetually understood.
~ Ogden Nash
=====================
I have never in my life said anything other than laudatory
Of the works of Ogden Nash, whose innovations were
chiefly auditory,
Meaning that he brought a new kind of sound to our
literary diversions
And didn't care much about breaking the poetic laws of
the Medes and the Persians
~ Anthony Burgess - introducing the book "Candy is Dandy"
http://snipurl.com/candy
===============================
I'M SURE SHE SAID SIX-THIRTY
One of the hardest explanations to be found
Is an explanation for just standing around.
Anyone just standing around looks pretty sinister,
Even a minister;
Consider then the plight of the criminal,
Who lacks even the protective coloration of a hyminal,
And as just standing around is any good criminal's practically
daily stint,
I wish to proffer a hint.
Are you, sir, a masher who blushes as he loiters,
Do you stammer to passers-by that you are merely expecting
a street-car, or a dispatch from Reuter's?
Or perhaps you are a safeblower engaged in casing a joint;
Can you look a patrolman in the eye or do you forget all the
savoir-faire you ever loint?
Suppose you are a shoplifter awaiting an opportunity to lift a shop,
Or simply a novice with a length of lead pipe killing time in a dark
alley pending the arrival of a wealthy fop,
Well, should any official ask you why you are just standing around,
Do you wish you could simply sink into the ground?
My dear sir, do not embarrassed, do not reach for your gun or
your knife,
Remember the password, which, uttered in a tone of quiet despair,
is the explanation of anyone's standing around anywhere at
any hour for any length of time: "I'm waiting for my wife."
~ Ogden Nash
===================
Normally, as you all know, Mother Goose does
all the talking ! Finally Father Gander has his say ...
http://snurl.com/frgander
===============================
==> THE SNIFFLE
In spite of her sniffle,
Isabel's chiffle.
Some girls with a sniffle
Would be weepy and tiffle;
They would look awful,
Like a rained-on waffle,
But Isabel's chiffle
In spite of her sniffle.
Her nose is more red
With a cold in her head,
But then, to be sure,
Her eyes are bluer.
Some girls with a snuffle,
Their tempers are uffle,
But when Isabel's snivelly
She's snivelly civilly,
And when she is snuffly
She's perfectly luffly.
~ Ogden Nash
===============================
Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult.
His jabs at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring
conventionality still have a penetrating power.
His snubs and put-downs became the talk of his
time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750
biting comments...
http://snurl.com/impwit
===============================
==> HOW TO GET ALONG WITH YOURSELF
OR
I RECOMMEND SOFTENING OF THE OUGHTERIES
When I was young I always knew
The meretricious from the true.
I was alert to call a halt
On other people's every fault.
My creed left no more chance for doubt
Than station doors marked IN and OUT.
A prophet with righteousness elated,
Dogmatic and opinionated,
Once self-convinced, I would not budge;
I was indeed a hanging judge.
I admitted, in either joy or sorrow,
No yesterday and no tomorrow.
My summary of life was reckoned
By what went on that very second.
I scoffed when kindly uncles and aunts
Said age would teach me tolerance,
For tolerance implies a doubt
That IN is IN and OUT is OUT.
But now that I am forty-nine.
Since the faults of others I condone,
I can be tolerant of my own.
I realize the sky won't fall
If I don't pay my bills at all.
The King of Sweden it will not irk
To hear that I neglect my work,
And tombfuls of historic dead
Care not how late I lie abed.
Oh, tolerance is the state of grace
Where everything falls into place,
So now I tolerantly think
I could tolerate a little drink.
~ Ogden Nash
====================================
To subscribe to Humorous Poetry (weekly)
10658-su-@zinester.com
For Humorous Quotations (weekly)
92561-su-@zinester.com
======================================
Jest a Quote (or three) :
For humorous quotes everyday (almost) subscribe by
sending a blank mail to quote-su-@topica.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jest with Literature :
Literature is not a pain. It's fun especially when you
learn/follow it with The Doc. Subscribe by sending
a blank mail to lit-sub-@topica.com
(Please Note - This list is for Adults only)
===================================
If you have anything humorous or punny that you want
to share just send it along! Please mention the name
you'd like to sign if your entry is published and whether
you'd like your email address or site hyperlinked to your
signed name.
_______________________________________________
If you know someone who would be interested in reading
Jest for Pun! please forward this entire message to them.
Better still invite them to subscribe. Thank You!
________________________________________________
IMPORTANT ADDRESSES:
Jest for Pun site: http://www.jestforpun.com
Archives : www.topica.com/lists/pun/read
TO UNSUBSCRIBE
Send blank email message to:
pun-unsu-@topica.com
TO SUBSCRIBE
Send blank email message to:
pun-sub-@topica.com
Comments? -- write to me,
Thanks
Gunjan
gun-@workinghumor.com
|
|
 |
|
