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Inland Revenue
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Razzie Humour
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Aug 20, 2004 05:29 PDT
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Taken from the Guardian : an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue.
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points
you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last
communication as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be
referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue
have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such
documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on
to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not
seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest
that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses
and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file
them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little
ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the
senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to
that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of
Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the
nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned
party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in
fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent
on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far
more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that
box-ticking façade of a university system".
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries. The reason we
don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries
of the postal system. You can rest assured that "sucking the very
marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as
a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it
irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it
financially unviable. I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I
would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the
other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the
whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us
the money. Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
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