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Shorts: Deadly Dynamics
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Andrea Corney
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Jul 30, 2001 09:27 PDT
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Welcome to the July issue of Management Shorts!
Written by Andrea Corney
Published by Acorn Consulting (<A HREF="http://www.acorn-od.com">
www.acorn-od.com</A>)
This is an opt-in newsletter. To subscribe, send a blank e-mail to
shorts-s-@topica.com
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IN THIS ISSUE
1. WELCOME NOTES: The Most Common Form of Conflict
2. MANAGEMENT SHORT: Deadly Dynamics
3. GETTING STARTED: Changing the Dynamic
4. FOR THOSE WHO WANT MORE: Resources for Confronting Problems
5. A FINAL WORD: Silly Dynamics
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1. WELCOME NOTES: The most common form of conflict
Welcome to the third issue of Management Shorts. In my work I do a lot of
conflict resolution and lately I've been seeing quite a lot of what I call
"deadly dynamics". If you aren't in the midst of a deadly dynamic right now,
you've certainly experienced it once or twice in your career and I guarantee
its going to pop up on your team one day soon. Learn to recognize now it
before it throws a monkey wrench into all your hard work.
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2. MANAGEMENT SHORT: Deadly Dynamics
What is a "deadly dynamic"? It is any situation in which two people are
unwittingly driving each other into the very behavior they each hate. When
its happening to you, all you can see is that the other person is a pain (or
a "dope", or a "jerk", or a "pick-your-favorite-epithet"). You're very aware
of the dysfunctional behavior of the other person, but have a hard time
seeing what you do that keeps the dynamic spinning. In my experience, it
almost always "takes two to tango".
The best way to describe the phenomenon is with a few examples:
The Case of the Micro-Managing Boss
Bob has a classic complaint: "My boss, Jason, is a real micro-manager --
controlling, insecure, the whole nine yards. He's always peering over my
shoulder. He even spies on me by squeezing my peers and direct reports for
dirt! I usually like to bat around ideas with my boss, but if I ask this guy
for input, I know he'll just take over. The only way to have any control
over my work is to try to stay below the radar. It's a full time job to keep
him from meddling in my work." We can all sympathize with that situation.
Micro-managers are a nightmare. The only choices are to live with it or go
look for another job.
But now lets go talk with Jason: "Bob is so secretive. He won't keep me
informed about what he's working on and never asks for my input. It's like
pulling teeth to get any information from him. It makes me worry that he is
doing a lousy job or even something unethical -- either way its something
that will one day blow up in my face. I've even had to resort to asking his
peers and direct reports what's going on so I don't get blind-sided!"
Now the picture looks a little different. They are caught in a deadly
dynamic -- Bob holds back info. Jason, fearful of what he doesn't know, asks
for more information than he would otherwise. In response, Bob becomes even
more close mouthed. And on and on. All Bob can see is that Jason is
"micro-managing". All Jason can see is that Bob is "secretive". Neither is
aware of how his own behavior is part of the dynamic.
The Case of the Flighty VP
John is a CEO who has concerns about a new VP: "I really value Mary's brains
and enthusiasm, but I wish she weren't always in 'sales' mode. She gives me
all the reasons why we should leap into action, but seems more interested in
getting me to say 'yes' than in having a real dialogue about the pros and
cons. I don't want to squash her creativity, so my first response is to
acknowledge all the things I like in an idea, but often after sleeping on it
I have some questions and concerns that I need addressed before I'm ready to
commit resources. Mary travels a lot so I often send an e-mail the next day
with my questions and concerns. And then I never hear back! She flits off
onto the next thing. This lack of response to my questions makes me worry
about her initial analysis as well as her ability to follow through and
execute on any of her ideas. Maybe she doesn't really have the initiative I
thought she did."
By now you know that Mary's experience is very different: "I started this
job with a lot of energy and a desire to make a big impact, but after a few
months I am very discouraged. Time and again I meet with John to talk
through a new initiative. He's always very enthusiastic and gives me the
green light, but the next day I get a long e-mail from him completely back
pedaling. He can't tell me 'no' to my face or even engage in a face to face
dialogue, so he does it by e-mail. Classic passive-aggressive behavior! I
could spin my wheels fighting him, but its clear he wants me to drop the idea
and not waste any more time on it. I keep searching for an initiative that
he will buy into so I can take some action and really show him how much value
I can add to the business. I do my best to present a compelling picture so
that he'll HAVE to say 'yes', but it doesn't seem to do any good. He clearly
doesn't want VP's with any really initiative."
These are two people with very different styles who could complement each
other, but instead drive each other to the extremes of their typical style.
What do these situations have in common?
1. Each person's viewpoint seems perfectly reasonable when viewed in
isolation.
2. The two people are working at cross purposes.
3. Neither is aware that the other person's behavior is a response to
something they are doing.
4. Each person assumes they know what the other is thinking or trying to do,
and they're usually wrong.
5. The frustration has led them to assign bad intent and to put a derogatory
label on the other.
6. They each assume the other can't change.
7. Neither person has brought up the issue with the other.
8. Nothing will change until they talk openly to each other.
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3. GETTING STARTED: Changing the Dynamic
The hard part about changing a deadly dynamic is that you're often not aware
that you are in the middle of one. It doesn't feel dynamic at all. In fact,
you feel very stuck in the face of unreasonable behavior that seems to have
nothing to do with you. So the first step is to try to see what has so far
been invisible to you. (Kind of like being in "The Matrix" and waking up to
discover a whole new reality.)
The only way to fully "see" a deadly dynamic is to talk to that other person
that you are so frustrated with. Sounds like a good way to make things
worse, right? Well, it will make things worse if you're convinced that the
other person is the problem and your job is to show them the error of their
ways!
Instead, approach them with a spirit of inquiry and a desire to understand
the other side of the dynamic. "I've been frustrated lately with how we've
been working together and I'm wondering if you're frustrated too? I think if
we both shared our perspective we might get a more complete understanding of
what's going on."
You might want to share this e-mail with them and say, "This newsletter got
me thinking that we might be in the midst of our own deadly dynamic. Would
you be willing to talk about it with me and see if we can get ourselves on a
more productive footing? I'm open to the possibility that I'm doing
something that adds fuel to the fire."
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4. FOR THOSE WHO WANT MORE: More Resources to Help You Change the Dynamic
This kind of discussion may seem like a fairy tale. Most of us don't have
much practice with such direct discussions (and with admitting that we may be
part of the problem). Below are two terrific resources to help you develop
the skills -- and the courage -- to talk about your deadly dynamic. The
links will take you to Amazon.com where you can purchase both books.
"Power Up: Transforming Organizations Through Shared Leadership" by David
Bradford and Allan Cohen
I think of this as the "tough love" book of team building with its focus on
getting real work done and confronting the most difficult issues head on.
Appendix A, "A Hands On Guide to Supportive Confrontation" walks you through
a range of approaches you can use in talking with someone who frustrates you.
Amazon link:
<A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0471121223/acornconsulti-20">
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0471121223/acornconsulti-20</A>
"Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone,
et. al.
This excellent book takes a negotiator's approach -- "Here's what I need.
What do you need? How can we both get what we need?" -- no surprise since
its from the authors of "Getting to Yes", "Getting Past No", and "Getting
Together".
Amazon link:
<A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/014028852X/acornconsulti-20">
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/014028852X/acornconsulti-20</A>
**********
5. A FINAL WORD: Silly Dynamics
Sometimes dynamics are more silly than deadly. My Dad is a frugal and
practical guy and will wear a pair of jeans until they fall off his body in
shreds. Mom thinks Dad is a handsome devil (still!) and loves to see him
looking his best. She also thinks that a man who has been so selfless and
generous all his life deserves a few nice things. So, when she is out and
about she picks up a few gifts for him so he can throw out those old rags and
wear something spiffy. Dad's response is to put the new clothes away until
he "really" needs them -- what could be more practical! But poor Mom never
gets the satisfaction of seeing him in nice clothes, so the next time she is
out shopping and sees something in the window, she thinks, "Won't that look
nice on my sweetie!" and buys it! Dad again puts the new duds in the back of
the closet and calls me up and says, "Tell your Mother to stop buying me new
clothes! I have a closet full of things I've never worn!" I tell him the
only way to stop her is to unwrap some of those new things and wear them so
she can get some satisfaction, but he can't get himself to do something so
"wasteful". Mom gets no satisfaction, so she continues with her "wasteful"
shopping. I've told Dad that it is in his power to change the dynamic, but
he says: "I'd rather complain".
So there you have it. Would you prefer to complain rather than make a few
adjustments in your own behavior?
(There is also the Heavenly Dynamic, in which Mom loves to cook gourmet meals
and Dad loves to eat them. Dad takes one bite and his face is instantly
transformed with bliss which he follows up with verbal appreciation. With
such a response, Mom outdoes herself on the next recipe and Dad searches for
more superlatives with which to praise her. Good behavior elicits more good
behavior. We should all be so lucky.)
**********
The days I feel most useful are the ones in which I help two people break out
of the grip of a deadly dynamic. Lucky for me the phenomenon is so common!
Please forward this newsletter to anyone you think is ready to take a new
look at a frustrating situation.
As always I welcome your feedback on this newsletter as well as requests for
future topics.
Warm regards,
Andrea
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About Management Shorts
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Management Shorts is a free newsletter on strategic planning, leadership,
management and team work. Each issue brings you a short and practical tool
or idea that you can put into practice immediately.
Copyright 2001, Acorn Consulting
Forward this newsletter to friends and colleagues. You may reprint this
newsletter in whole or quote with attribution to Andrea Corney and Acorn
Consulting.
To subscribe: send a blank e-mail to shorts-s-@topica.com
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About Acorn Consulting
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Acorn Consulting works with management teams that are struggling to get
traction on strategic planning and other complex issues. To learn more about
our services and how we can help you bridge the gap between strategy and
execution, visit our web site at www.acorn-od.com
Acorn Consulting
"From Strategy to Execution"
<A HREF="http://www.acorn-od.com">www.acorn-od.com</A>
in-@acorn-od.com
(650) 329-8923
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