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Single Scene May newsletter
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Janet Jacobsen
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Apr 29, 2008 16:28 PDT
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SINGLE SCENE NEWSLETTER 4-29-08 Issue 139
Copyright Single Scene 2008
http://www.azsinglescene.com
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I N T H I S I S S U E:
** Beware the Quickie Do-It-Yourself Divorce
** Loving Gestures -- to give and receive
** How to Make Time for Dating
** LIFE AFTER the BREAK-UP
** National Singles News Briefs, including
-- Animal trainer tips to improve your relationships.
-- Should Facebook show your relationship status?
-- How to stay friends after the break-up.
-- Shop for your dating service before you shop for a date.
** Fun Things to Do in May
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Get timely tips on how to handle the mysteries of dating by signing up
for Harlan’s dating e-newsletter. Just send a blank e-mail to
dating_agai-@topica.com. It’s informative and it’s free!
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Renewal Center Offers Grief Retreat, Divorce Retreat
Two retreats offered at the Franciscan Renewal Center in June offer
help for people experiencing loss in relationships.
Those in grief over the death of a loved one can participate in a Grief
and Loss Retreat, Friday to Sunday, June 6-8. Led by Sheila Ringgold
Marchetta, MA, Mauro Pando, MC, and Tim Ringgold, the program will cover
the grief process and ways to heal. Enrollment is limited to 20.
Friday to Sunday, June 20-22 Judith McHale, MA, and Tom Mitchell,
Ph.D., will lead a retreat for the divorced and separated, "Doin' It
Differently." Turn past relationship experiences into life lessons
promoting insight and growth. The program provides a new look at
relationships and how to maintain a healthy self-image.
Cost for each retreat, including lodging, meals and materials, is $175
single, $135 shared. Check-in is at 5 pm Friday, with dinner at 6, and
checkout is after lunch on Sunday. For information and reservations,
call 480-948-7460.
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Yes, this is a FREE newsletter, but remember the “dues”: helping us
spread the word. Please forward this free online publication to singles
you know! Invite them to sign up. Sharing is good.
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SINGLES NEWS BRIEFS
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Animal trainer tips to improve your relationships.
Animal trainers have learned a thing or two that can help improve your
two-legged relationships as well, according to author Amy Sutherland's
book "What Shamu Taught Me about Life, Love and Marriage." 1. Accept
that some things may never change. 2. Ignore the behavior you don't
want. 3. Compliment the behavior you DO want. 4. Don't blame
yourself when he/she behaves badly. 5. Pick your moments wisely. 6.
Keep your partner happy. (Positive feedback works best.)
Should Facebook show your relationship status?
According to recent articles, listing your relationship status on
Facebook is fine when you're single, but posting your "couple" status
can be tricky. Some college students say the relationship is only
"official" if it's on your Facebook page, but others say "that's
stupid." Also, as "Wired" magazine points out, getting your "ex" to
de-list your relationship can be just one more thing that makes breaking
up hard (or at least a pain) to do.
How to stay friends after the break-up.
Wonder how some people can stay friends with previous romantic
partners, while others just don't? Several studies by communication
scholars have found a key predictor of whether people can be friends
after a breakup: People who were actually friends before the romance
are much more likely to become friends again.
Shop for your dating service before you shop for a date.
Recently "USA Weekend" magazine reported that consumer complaints about
dating services are on the rise, up 73% from 2005 to 2006, and higher in
'07. The most common complaint for online sites:
difficult-to-understand membership and cancellation fees. For
matchmakers: high-pressure sales tactics and unrealistic promises. To
avoid being a "dating dupe," shop around -- don't fall for the hype or
pick the first service that sounds good. Don't give in to "today only"
price pressure. Do your homework to compare policies and prices. Talk
to real people who have used the service. Check for complaints with the
Better Business Bureau (bbb.org). Know what is required to opt out if
you aren't happy with the service.
How to be more extroverted.
Being more extroverted generally means being happier, "Vitality"
magazine reports. Practice these pointers: When people tell funny
stories, respond out loud. Share your opinions with others (nicely).
Ask questions in meetings or classes. At gatherings, ask strangers a
question or two.
Safe at home.
"Vitality" magazine reports that certain important papers shouldn't be
in a bank safe-deposit box because they may be difficult for your family
to access if something happens to you. Keep birth certificates, wills,
trust documents and security records in a locked fireproof safe at home.
(You can buy a small one at an office supply store.) Be sure a family
member or close friend knows how to access it.
Most homes are "No Smoking."
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that at
least 72% of American households do not allow smoking in the home.
That's up from 43% in 1992.
Quotable.
"Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent,
protects you from age." Jeanne Moreau.
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For help in adjusting to and even enjoying single life, visit our
website at http://divorcerecovery101.com.
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Beware the Quickie Do-It-Yourself Divorce
Recently "Marie Claire" magazine cautioned that the quickie divorce
(just fill out the forms and send it in) isn't for everyone. If you
have children or own property together, it's not practical. But if
you're relatively "unencumbered," it can still create problems.
As someone once said, verbal promises aren't worth the paper they're
printed on. If it matters, get it in writing. Do-it-yourself can work
if you've agreed on everything, and put it on paper.
The desire to make a "clean break" can cause you to overlook (and not
plan for) ways you'll still be connected in the future, such as debts
and taxes.
Remember to do the follow-up paper work as well. Get property titles
in the correct name. Change your will.
- - - -
Loving Gestures -- to give and receive
Recently "Glamour" magazine offered some "Things every man should do
for the woman he loves." Actually, ladies, a guy would appreciate these
too!
Ask you as many questions as they answer.
Send you a massive bouquet of flowers at work (ideally on Monday, to
flaunt all week).
Look you directly in the eye during all greetings, requests,
declarations of love, and sex.
Memorize your clothing size, "because what's more depressing than
trying on a wrong-size gift?"
Memorize (and act on): If I'm going to be late, call. If I'm going to
be late, call....
- - - -
How to Make Time for Dating
Feel like you just don't have time for dating? Remember, brief dates
count, including meeting for breakfast, lunch, or for coffee. Just let
the person know ahead what your time constraints are, then slow down and
enjoy the moment while you're there.
To get more sense of control over your time, follow these tips from
"Vitality" magazine.
At the start of your day, write down and prioritize your tasks and
errands. When possible, get the most difficult or unpleasant task out
of the way early in the day.
Keep a calendar so you don't over-book yourself. Plan time into your
schedule for socializing. Learn to say "no" to things you don't really
want to do or that have too open-ended a time frame to allow you to
plan.
Let go of perfectionism. Recognize which things can be done "good
enough" to allow you more time to do what makes you happy.
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HELP FOR THE NEWLY SINGLE! Our singles' Internet information is
maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people. Newly
singled people find out about it and get help only if readers like YOU
tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a
support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and
them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites,
newsletters, and courses. Remember, these services are all totally FREE.
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LIFE AFTER the BREAK-UP
Negotiating what's left of the relationship when the dating stops
by Janet L. Jacobsen
What happens when a dating (nonmarital) relationship breaks up? Do
people keep interacting, get back together, become friends?
A recent study reported in the "Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships" examined how post-breakup relationships progress, using a
sample of 174 undergraduate students ages 18 to 47 (average age, 21).
Relationship patterns after a break-up
Participants completed surveys on key turning points and on the quality
of the relationship since the breakup. They found that these
post-dating relationships typically followed one of four patterns.
The most common was what the researchers called "relational decline,"
cited by 60% of the respondents. Commitment either remained high
immediately after the breakup or had a subsequent spike in commitment,
but eventually resulted in low levels of commitment.
Next most common, cited by 37%, was "upward relational progression."
These relationships showed serious negative feelings after the breakup,
then experienced some improvement, followed by another dip, and then a
general rise in positive perception of the post-breakup relationship.
Another 21% of participants experienced the third most common pattern,
"turbulent relational progression." These relationships were
"tumultuous," with often drastic ups and downs in their post-breakup
experience.
Finally, the least typical experience (18%) was the "linear process."
Whether commitment levels were high or low following the breakup, they
changed very little over time.
The researchers found that those who had an "upward" pattern were the
most likely to be happy with their post-breakup relationship.
Key turning points following a break-up
If people can experience very different patterns of handling their
relationships after breaking up with a dating partner, what happens
along the way to influence those changes? The researchers found
several "turning points" that significantly influenced the adjustment
process after a breakup.
The most common was a negative redefinition of the relationship,
mentioned by 29%. This included such events as an argument, an
uncomfortable conversation, jealous reactions, unrequited advances by
the ex, the ex-partner's new relationship, a general decrease in
interactions, or disappointment with the ex-partner. These negative
reassessments seem to confirm in various ways that the previous
relationship really is over, or that the breakup was the right thing to
do.
Second most common (20%) was a positive definition of the new platonic
relationship. Events included a cathartic/reflective talk, becoming
friends, providing social support, and forgiveness. These positive
reassessments often involved either being able to have conversations
that were focused on their current lives rather than on past events, or
talks that mutually cleared the air about the past, such as apologies.
Other typical turning points included holding on (unrequited advances
by one partner, or attempts at reconciliation), letting go (waning
feelings and realizing it's over), moving on (including moving away, or
one or both partners developing new relationships), and the logistics of
uncoupling (returning items, moving out of a shared residence).
Only five per cent of the participants reported that even the
post-breakup relationship had broken up -- meaning the partners no
longer had contact of any kind.
Post-divorce relationships more positive
The researchers compared this study of dating relationships with
previous research on the typical progression following a divorce. The
divorce study found that the most typical turning point (79%) was in
becoming a "well-functioning" two household family.
The researchers conclude that the presence of children provides
motivation for divorced couples to work through to a positive
post-divorce relationship, a motivation that isn't there to sustain the
typical dating relationship after a breakup.
Nevertheless, this study concludes that dating couples who do the work
to create positive interaction after a breakup find their new
post-breakup friendship to be worth the effort.
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WHY MAKE THE TYPICAL DATING MISTAKES?
“Dating Success - 45 Proven Pointers” shows you
How to connect with interesting people
How to end a relationship
Tips on using the personals
Important pointers for planning dates
How to communicate with the other sex
And more.
Order “Dating Success -- 45 Proven Pointers,” the positive, practical,
up-beat book by Dr. Janet Jacobsen, for just $10 (includes shipping and
handling) from IE Publishing, Box 9666 Dept. E, Scottsdale AZ
85252-9666. Or order at www.communicationist.com/book.htm.
Satisfaction Guaranteed!
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FUN THINGS TO DO in MAY
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Schedules are subject to change. When possible, always call ahead to
confirm.
Since May 5 is a Monday, look for Cinco de Mayo celebrations in park and
in bars through the weekend May 2-4, as well as on the 5th.
How is it that sinking ships and lost lives are somehow romantic?
"Titanic: The artifact exhibition" ends May 4 at the Arizona Science
Center, 600 E. Washington in Phoenix. 10-5 daily. Adm. $20 nonmembers,
$10 members. (Since membership is $70 and gets you 2 admissions year
round, romantics should get a membership!) 602-716-2028.
Peach fans can drool together at the Schnepf Farms Peach Festival in
Queen Creek Saturdays and Sundays from May 10 to 25, 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Admission is $2. 480-987-3100.
Th.-Sat., May 1-3: Rodders Run has events in downtown Tucson, 4th
Avenue, including a car show, auction, and burger burn, plus a vintage
vehicle run to Mount Lemmon. 520-574-3286.
Fri., May 2: First Fridays art gallery tour, downtown Phoenix, 6-10 pm.
Free. Very popular event for singles, where about 10,000 people
stroll, look at art, see entertainment -- and each other. DASH bus
starts from Burton Barr Central Library, 1221 N. Central, Phx.
602-253-5000 ext. 1. or 602-256-7539.
First Friday Adults' Night Out, Arizona Science Center, 7th St. &
Washington, Phoenix. 5:30-9 p.m. Live music, guest scientist, hors
d'oeuvres, cash bar. 7 p.m., special lecture. Free adm., plus $8 for
IMAX film or planetarium. 602-716-2000. azscience.org
Sat., May 3: As things heat up in the Valley, it's spring in the
mountains. Jerome garden tour, plus the Jerome Art Walk (5-8 pm).
928-649-2277 (art walk); 602-989-9634 (garden tour).
Hogs in Heat, all-you-can-eat barbecue & dance, Rock Springs Cafe,
Black Canyon City (exit 242, I-17 n. of Phx.). 4 pm-? 623-374-5794.
Sun., May 4: Every Sunday, Movies at the Museum: foreign, independent,
and classic films, some for mature audiences. Phoenix Art Museum, 1625
N. Central Avenue, Phoenix. 2 pm. Museum adm. $9. 602-257-1222.
Mon., May 5: Movie Mondays, every Monday 1:30 pm, Heard Museum,
featuring the best of film making by and for Native people. 2301 N.
Central, Phoenix. Adm. $10. 602-252-8848.
Tues., May 6: Movie Tuesday movie discussion series, 5:30-7 p.m.
Pulliam Auditorium, Burton Barr Central Library, 1221 N. Central,
Phoenix. Free. 602-262-4636.
Wed., May 7: Chandler Art Walk, 5 to 9 p.m., downtown Chandler, San
Marcos Place and Boston Street, between Arizona Avenue and Chandler
Blvd. 5-9 pm. 480-206-5895.
Thurs., May 8: Art Walk (every Thurs.), Scottsdale galleries, 5th Ave.
area. 7-9 p.m. 480-990-3939.
Sat., May 10: The Glory of Spring Iris Exhibit, Mortimer Nursery, 3166
Willow Creek Rd., Prescott. 928-445-8132
Old Town Film and Arts Festival, north Main Street (historic Highway
89A), Cottonwood. 928-634-7789.
Sun., May 11: Every Sunday, free admission day at the Pueblo Grande
Museum, 4619 E. Washington, Phoenix, on southwest archeology and
culture. 1-4:45 Sunday. 602-495-0901.
Tues., May 13: Every Tues., free night at Phoenix Art Museum (donations
appreciated), from 3 to 9 p.m. 1625 N. Central. 602-257-1880.
Sat., May 17: Prescott Highland Games, including highland pipe bands,
athletic events, and Scottish dancing. Watson Lake Park, 4 miles north
of Prescott, off Rt. 89 North. 928-713-9772.
Sunday, May 11: Concerts in the Park, 7:30-9 pm, McCormick-Stillman
Railroad Park, 7301 E. Indian Bend Rd., Scottsdale. Different band each
week; bring a blanket or chair. Free. Train rides, $2, carousel rides,
$1. Info 480-312-2312.
Thurs., May 15: That Thursday Thing "Girls' Night Out Pajama Party,"
6-9 pm, downtown and Murphy Park in Glendale. Street performers,
extended shopping hours. Free adm. 623-930-2299.
Fri., May 16: Big-band swing night, Bookman's Entertainment Exchange,
8034 N. 19th Ave. Phx. Free. 7 pm. 602-433-0255, www.bookmans.com.
Tues., May 20: Not the ideal date for some people, but if you're batty
for nocturnal winged creatures, attend the "Bats by the Light of the
Moon" program, 6:30-8:30 pm at the Arboretum, 4001 S. Woody Mt. Rd.,
Flagstaff. $7 adm. (On full moon night, thru Aug.) 928-774-1442.
Fri., May 23: Start of the first "long weekend" of the summer. Expect
crowds at the area lakes and tubing the Salt River. For cooler
temperatures and fewer people, visit a museum.
Sat., May 24: Every Saturday, classic cars & motorcycles exhibited
approx. 5 to 8:30 p.m. (or later) around McDonald's at the Scottsdale
Pavilions, 9140 E. Indian Bend Road, Scottsdale. Free. 480-991-6007 or
480=443-0080. For other cruise-ins, see www.cruisinarizona.com.
Mon., May 26: Memorial Day. Many towns and cities will feature
military parades and events. Also a good day to experience a mix of
cultural perspectives by visiting a cemetery, military or otherwise.
Sat., May 31: Every Sat., Challenger Space Center, 21170 N. 83rd Ave.,
Peoria, two-hour simulated space missions, 10:30 am and 1 pm Saturdays.
$17.50 adm. 623-322-2001.
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Have connections to the Midwest? For the latest news, events, and
personal ads for Midwest singles, visit our website at
http://www.countrysingles.com.
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