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Single Scene January newsletter
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Janet Jacobsen
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Dec 29, 2008 21:50 PST
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SINGLE SCENE NEWSLETTER 12-29-08 Issue 147
Copyright Single Scene 2008
http://www.azsinglescene.com
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I N T H I S I S S U E:
** How to Avoid the Spouse from Hell
** Teen Children of Divorce Feel "Caught"
** How to Prevent “Poor Choices” in People to Date
** National Singles News Briefs, including
-- Money CAN buy happiness.
-- Friends are key influence on happiness.
-- Women's "intimacy" at college age predicts mid-life divorce.
** Fun Things to Do in January
~~~~~Happy New Year!~~~~~~
~~Happy Martin Luther King Day!~~
LOCAL NEWS
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Divorce Recovery Workshop Jan. 14
Valley Presbyterian Church, 6947 E. McDonald Drive in Paradise Valley,
will host an eight week divorce recovery workshop Wednesdays from 6:15
to 7:45 p.m. beginning January 14. Cost is $25. The group discussion
program provides support for parents and children in various stages of
divorce. For information or to register, call Mary Ulick at
480-991-6424, ext. 120, or visit www.myvalleychurch.org.
Best Cheap Eats
Financial hard times don't mean you have to give up dinner dates or
resort to fast food. Recently the “Arizona Republic's” dining critic
recommended the following restaurants as the Top Ten Cheap and Filling:
1. Phoenix Ranch Market, giant Mexican food market with terrific food
court. 1602 E Roosevelt St., Phoenix. 602-254-6676.
2. Asian Cafe Express, 1911 W. Main St., Mesa. 480-668-5910.
3. Cornish Pasty Co., 960 W. University Dr., Tempe. 480-894-6261.
4. Joe's New York Pizza, 7321 E. Shoeman Lane, Scottsdale.
480-947-5637.
5. Rito's Fine Mexican Food, 907 N. 14th St., Phoenix. 602-262-9842.
6. Great Wall, 2446 W. Camelback Rd., Phoenix. 602-973-1112.
7. Touch of European Cafe, 7146 N. 57th Dr., Glendale. 623-847-7119.
(Polish)
8. La Roca Mexican-Peruvian Grill, 1440 S. Country Club Dr., Mesa.
480-833-0211.
9. Lee's Sandwiches, 1901 W. Warner Rd., Chandler. 480-855-1778.
(Vietnamese)
10. Eliana's Authentic Salvadoran Cuisine, 1627 N. 24th St., Phoenix.
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For help in adjusting to and even enjoying single life, visit our
website at http://divorcerecovery101.com.
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How to Avoid the Spouse from Hell
“New York Times” columnist Maureen Dowd wrote a column titled "How not
to marry a husband from Hell," citing the advice of a New Jersey-based
Catholic priest who for forty years has delivered a lecture titled "Whom
Not to Marry" to high school seniors. So while Dowd has emphasized the
clergyman's advice for women, the tips work just fine for both genders.
1. "You can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be
successfully married."
2. "Infatuation trumps judgment."
3. Never marry a person who has no friends.
4. Do they use money responsibly?
5. Never marry a person whose life you can run. "It's good to have a
doormat in the home, but not if it's your spouse."
6. Are they overly attached to their mother? On important matters for
you as a couple, do they consult their mother before they consult you?
7. Do they have a sense of humor?
8. Are they willing to talk it over? "A therapist friend insists that
more marriages are killed by silence than by violence."
9. Are you counting on changing them? "People are the same after
marriage as before, only more so."
10. "Take a good, unsentimental look at their family."
11. Are their goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours?
12. Do they possess character traits that add up to a good human being
-- "the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous?" Do not marry
anyone "inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak,
to be envious of you, to be secretive."
Teen Children of Divorce Feel "Caught"
Communication researchers studying children of divorce have found
that adolescents and young adults in divorced families tend to
experience diminished mental and physical health when parents talk
negatively about each other to their children, and when children feel
caught between the parents.
According to an article published in the journal "Communication
Monographs,” these feelings of being caught stem from children's desire
to protect themselves, their parents, and their relationships with their
parents, and can result in children attempting to avoid talking to a
parent on the subject of their parents' relationship. Key avoidance
tactics include changing the topic, evasiveness, humor, challenging the
validity of the topic, and hostility.
The researchers conclude that parents need to be able to recognize
anxiety-driven avoidance, in order to be able to discuss the topic with
teens and young adults in a way that reduces the stress for the
children.
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Yes, this is a FREE newsletter, but remember the “dues”: helping us
spread the word. Please forward this free online publication to singles
you know! Invite them to sign up. Sharing is good.
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SINGLES NEWS BRIEFS
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Committing to single life, sort of.
Actress Kate Hudson recently told “InStyle” magazine, "I'm actually
enjoying being single right now because I really never have been." (She
divorced last year.) "I've made a conscious decision to try to stay
single as long as possible."
Aren't you glad you're not rich and famous?
According to the singer's publicist, Madonna will be handing over
between $76 and $92 million in her divorce from film director Guy
Ritchie, or about $8 million for each year of the couple's marriage.
Money CAN buy happiness.
Researchers at the University of British Columbia (Canada) have found
that money can buy happiness -- provided you are spending it on other
people. Regardless of income level, spending money on gifts or charity
makes people feel good, and the good feeling can last up to six to eight
weeks.
Friends are key influence on happiness.
A study of 4700 people in Framingham, Massachusetts, found that happy
people tend to be part of social networks of other happy people. Having
a happy spouse wasn't nearly as important to one's happiness as having
happy same-sex friends. Each happy friend, say the Harvard researchers,
increases your chance of being happy by 9%. The effect may not be so
much because of individual friends, but the influence of the social
network. Happily, the study also found that unhappiness does not spread
as easily as happiness.
Give it a month.
“Men's Health” magazine reports on a University of Virginia study that
found that one month after a breakup, those who were dumped were as
happy as people still in relationships. (Of course, there's no
guarantee the people in relationships were happy!)
Women's "intimacy" at college age predicts mid-life divorce.
A long-range study being conducted by the University of Rochester (New
York) recently compared the "intimacy" scores of men and women when they
were college age with their likelihood of divorce at mid-life (average
age, 55). Intimacy was measured by asking participants to rate
themselves on such items as "comfortable in intimate relationships,"
"lonely," "sexually aware" and "can't share anything." They found that
low intimacy scores at college age predicted greater risk for divorce in
mid-life for women, but not for men. This finding aligns with past
studies which suggest that it is often the wife's skills in
communication and closeness that predict both partners' happiness with
the relationship.
Quotes for a New Year.
“I wouldn’t go back in time for anything in the world. When I was
younger, I was defenseless . . . fearful that I couldn’t live up to
other people’s standards. Now I’m stronger, able to take care of
myself, enjoying my work and my time on this planet.” Ellen Burstyn.
“Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from
bad judgment.” Rita Mae Brown.
“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not
a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” William
Jennings Bryan.
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HELP FOR THE NEWLY SINGLE! Our singles' Internet information is
maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people. Newly
singled people find out about it and get help only if readers like YOU
tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a
support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and
them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites,
newsletters, and courses. Remember, these services are all totally FREE.
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How to prevent “poor choices” in people to date
by Janet L. Jacobsen, Ph.D. Excerpted from the book
“Dating Success: 45 proven pointers”
Someone mentioned to me that her dating problems largely involved
making “poor choices” for people to date. I asked her to elaborate on
what she meant. Several pointers emerged from our conversation that
should be helpful for anyone with a history of “poor choices.”
1. Are your expectations about the opposite sex realistic? This works
in both directions: thinking they’re all bad or that they should all be
wonderful. If you genuinely feel that you don't have a good
understanding of the other sex, stop dating right now and for the next
six months actively work at making opposite sex friends. (No “dating”!
No sex!) You’ll develop a more realistic picture, and you won’t need to
be “desperate” for companionship. Plus you’ll have friends to give you
advice when you start dating again.
2. Do you fall “in love” fast, after the first date or just meeting
them? Lots of singles are guilty of projecting -- the other person has
one or two apparent great qualities, so they must have all the qualities
you are looking for. Wrong, wrong. Being beautiful or a great dancer
doesn't mean anything except that the person is beautiful or a great
dancer. If you are constantly disappointed to find out what people are
“really” like, odds are good you’re projecting.
3. Are you over-sensitive about “hurting” people? I don’t mean
breaking up in a kind way, I mean accepting dates that you shouldn’t.
You aren’t doing anyone a favor by going out with them if you know they
are looking for a relationship and you are just tolerating them. If
knowing what to say to turn down a date is the problem, use this: “I’m
sorry; I don’t think that would be a good idea right now.” Repeat as
necessary; no other explanation is required.
4. Are you mistaking lust for love? If you’re a healthy adult, you
have some sexual drive. If you aren’t currently in a sexual
relationship, you may be prone to interpret those natural sexual
feelings as a sign that someone is “right” for you. Not necessarily;
could just be raging hormones.
5. Following up on #4, what does sex mean? Some people say they can
have sex as “just sex,” but for most people sex equals relationship, and
if your idea of what that “relationship” is is different from theirs,
trouble is coming. Does sex mean they owe you a phone call, another
date, to dance only with you at the next singles dance? Probably wrong.
Those things come with a relationship, not with sex. Get realistic
and/or slow down getting sexual with a date.
6. Do you do all the pursuing, make all the concessions (“No, that’s
fine, we can do what you want to do”), not respond when treated poorly?
If they do things like regularly being late or canceling dates, or
making joint plans without consulting you, and you never object or let
the other person deal with the consequences, you are teaching the other
person not to respect you or your needs. Dating is all about teaching
the other person how to treat you, and learning how to treat them. If
you are teaching them to take you for granted, don’t be surprised when
they take you for granted.
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FUN THINGS to DO in JANUARY
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Schedules are subject to change. When possible, always call ahead to
confirm.
Some "holiday" date possibilities continue into the New Year:
31st Annual Fiesta Bowl National Band Championship, University of
Phoenix Stadium, Glendale, Thurs., Jan. 1. Preliminaries, 11 a.m.
Finals, 6:30 p.m. Adm. $16 to $28.
38th annual Fiesta Bowl Parade, 2 miles in central Phoenix, 11 a.m.
Sat., Jan. 3. Free. Bleacher seating $25. Info FiestaBowl.org.
Holiday Lights, McCormick-Stillman Railroad Park, 7301 E. Indian Bend
Rd., Scottsdale, 6:30-9 p.m. through Jan. 3. Free admission.
480-312-2312.
ZooLights, 6 to 10 p.m. at the Phoenix Zoo, 455 N. Galvin Parkway,
through Jan. 11. Admission $7. 602-273-1341.
One of the big see-and-be-seen events of the year links with the FBR
Open, Jan. 26 to Feb. 1. The Birds' Nest is the "after hours" party
located directly across from the main FBR entrance at 82nd Street and
Bell, Scottsdale, featuring live national and regional bands, 3:30 to 10
p.m. Jan. 28 to 31. Nightly admission $25. Info www.fbropen.com.
Canal Concert Series, weekends, noon, Marshall Way Bridge area, down
Scottsdale. Live entertainment; bring a picnic or buy takeout at local
restaurants. Info 480-312-7750. Through March.
Mystery Castle, 800 E Mineral Road (near South Mountain), Phoenix, is
open once again for tours through May 31, 11 am to 4 pm
Thursdays-Sundays. Admission charge. 602-268-1581.
Fri.-Sun., Jan. 16-18: Carefree Fine Art & Wine Festival, 101 Easy
Street, downtown Carefree. Juried artists in all mediums.
480-837-5637.
Sat., Jan. 17: Glendale Glitter & Glow Block Party, Murphy Square,
downtown Glendale. 4-11 p.m. Tethered hot air balloons, live
entertainment. 877-311-1255.
Sun., Jan. 18: PF Chang's Rock N Roll Marathon and Half Marathon,
through Phoenix, Scottsdale and Tempe, with live bands posted every
mile. Info, rnraz.com.
Sun., Jan. 24: Silent Sundays features classic silent films with live
theater organ music. 7 pm organ concert, movie at 7:30 p.m. Orpheum
Theater, 203 W. Adams St., Phoenix. Adm. $15. www.silentsundays.info.
~~~~~Happy New Year!~~~~~~
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Have connections to the Midwest? For the latest news, events, and
personal ads for Midwest singles, visit our website at
http://www.countrysingles.com.
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