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Vitamins for the Soul -- May 17, 2005
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Yali Shi
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May 17, 2005 05:55 PDT
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Vitamins for the Soul -- May 17, 2005
The conversation void
By Ann Weber, Toledo Blade
Next time you're in a nice restaurant, scan the room and you're likely
to spy them: the Couple with Nothing to Say to Each Other.
They take unnecessary pains cutting and spearing their food. They look
into space--avoiding eye contact with their partner. They chew.
Just about everybody's seen it happen. Or been there, squirming in a
conversational vacuum.
Some people in the food industry say they've even seen couples who make
no effort to interact at all. They sit across the table from one
another, each reading or chatting on a cell phone.
There's such a thing as a comfortable, companionable silence, to be
sure. And some people may wish their partner wouldn't talk quite so
much. But when conversation is supposed to be on the menu and the
plate's empty, it can be pretty awkward.
Nick Nigro says it's even happened to him--a self-described "pretty
talkative person." The president of the Westgate Toastmasters Club in
Toledo, Ohio, is a speed-of-light talker, in fact, brimming with
observations on the subject.
"None of us are immune. We're all susceptible to these moments when we
think, 'What do I say?'" Nigro says.
He blames the rush of life in general--not having enough of what he
calls "five-minute vacations in our day."
In his view, we skim the conversational surface--the easy, obvious stuff
like the weather and sports--and don't take the time to dig deeper,
within ourselves or our relationships.
"When we take time for ourselves it improves the quality of our
relationships. We have to nurture our inner self so we can bring more
value to the relationships that are important to us," he says.
Mike Roehrs, a licensed independent social worker who specializes in
marriage and family counseling, agrees that a conversational void
doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is on the skids.
"I think it's a pretty common experience that most couples at some time
in their relationship find themselves in," says Roehrs. "It's especially
common for couples whose spare time and attention is focused on their
children. When just the two of them do get out for an evening, they
can't think of anything to talk about besides the kids.
"We get out of practice of attending to our partner and the details of
their life," he explains. "Healthy marriages take effort. We have to
work at them, even when they're good relationships to start with."
He cites a study by Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist known for his
research and writing on marital stability and divorce prediction:
"Couples who rate their relationship as not very satisfactory, or who
are about to divorce, only make a connection with each other about six
times a day. Couples with a very vital relationship, and who rate their
marriage as very satisfactory, connect with each other about 60 times a
day."
Roehrs says connections can be as small as making eye contact or
touching one's partner lightly while walking by.
"Women tend to do this better than men," he adds, "but men who do it
have better marriages and it tends to spill over to a better
relationship with their kids."
Over time, most healthy couples find things to talk about, Roehrs says.
"It's OK to ask for outside help," says Ann Marie Jablonowski, an
assistant professor at Owens Community College in Toledo, Ohio, who
teaches interpersonal communication. She and her husband, Tom, also run
sessions for engaged couples through their church.
The Jablonowskis tell the couples that marital communication exists on
several levels, and that talking and listening go hand-in-hand.
The also note that bride and groom are talking a lot at this
stage--making decisions and sharing ideas about the many aspects of a
wedding--and that they shouldn't stop talking once the wedding is over,
and especially after the children come along.
Caught up in the daily demands of parenting, "You sometimes forget about
your best friend, which is your spouse," she says. "Nurture that
friendship."
She, too, cautions that relationships require attention.
"Continually court your spouse. Just because you're married doesn't mean
courtship is done."
* * *
Cheers,
Shi Yali
http://www.sunshin.org
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