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Thursday Edition
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Pat L
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Feb 21, 2008 13:55 PST
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons Fidel Castro Is Retiring
10. He has accepted the role of Dr. Ramon Vazquez on "General Hospital"
9. Achieved his goal of getting Cuba's unemployment rate under 83%
8. Wants to spend more time interrogating his family
7. Just got Season One of "Gilmore Girls"
6. Caught injecting human growth hormone into his wife, Debbie Castro
5. Too many tacos
4. He was adopted by Angelina Jolie — honestly, how crazy would that be?
3. Always promised himself he'd quit torturing when it stopped being fun
2. Jane Fonda called him a . . .
1. 49 years at the same job? Who am I, Letterman?
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
As you know, Barack has won the last eight primaries. I haven’t seen
hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua.
~Jay Leno
Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided
by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort — when it comes to
providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be.
~Jay Leno
Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of
her.
~Jay Leno
Barack Obama now considered the front-runner. You know what they say,
behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find
out that it was her.
~Jay Leno
How about the presidential race? Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack
Obama. Indications are she getting a little nervous, maybe a little
desperate. Earlier today, she showed up wearing a painted-on pantsuit.
~David Letterman
How about that Mitt Romney? I’m going to miss him. He’s like the
archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy’s tomb.
~David Letterman
Big news for us, the writers' strike is finally over. While our writers
were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all
declared their support for the writers' strike. Meanwhile, President
Bush announced he’s in favor of a readers' strike.
~Conan O’Brien
Sen. Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row to Barack
Obama. Hillary dismissed Obama’s success by saying, "He’s only winning
states with a huge African-American population — like Maine."
~Conan O’Brien
This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the manager of a
Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco
Bell manager said, “It’s weird, my tacos usually don’t attack me until
I’m in the bathroom.”
~Conan O’Brien
The Westminster Dog Show was on TV last night. I thought it was on last
week, but then I realized I was watching “Sex and the City.”
~Craig Ferguson
Westminster Dog Show is the granddaddy of them all. It is the Oscars of
dog shows. It's just like the Oscars, except the speeches are shorter
and slightly less butt-sniffing.
~Craig Ferguson
It’s Valentine’s Day. What do you call it when Bill and Hillary get
together on Valentine’s Day? A fundraiser.
~Jay Leno
Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before
he came here, he sent his advance team — all 12 million of them.
~Jay Leno
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gave a speech in New Jersey yesterday
and he condemned the show "The Sopranos" because he says it makes New
Jersey look bad. Which really isn’t true — New Jersey makes New Jersey
look bad.
~Conan O’Brien
Earlier this week at the Westminster Dog Show, a dog named Uno became
the first beagle ever to win Best In Show. To celebrate, the beagle says
he plans to drink out of the toilet and party with some bitches.
~Conan O’Brien
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Need a joke to tell your mates at work or in the Pub?
Then you need XCIGARS.
for adult jokes in your inbox every working day!
To join send a blank e-mail to
xcigars-s-@yahoogroups.com
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One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my
wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if
you insulted her." Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you
should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and
not be able to think up your own insults!"
*****
After being treated for a kidney stone in 2003, Phil Jackson, Lakers
coach, said, "When the anesthesiologist leaned over me, he said, 'We
named your kidney stone Kobe because it's not passing.'"
*****
A man was walking home from work when he saw an accident involving a
truck. Books it was hauling came out all over the place! Before the
police got to the site, the man picked up a copy of one of the books.
It was a Roget's Thesaurus! When he got home, he started to read it.
Within a few months, had read it from cover to cover! The people in
his life who noticed a major change in his vocabulary. They were
amazed, astonished, astounded, awe-struck, dazzled, dumbfounded,
mortified, shocked, stunned and surprised!
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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~ COME CLOWN AROUND WITH US ~
We've got make up ready to put a smile on your face !
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Get laughs & giggles. prose & links, web help & loads of diversified
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We guarantee you WILL NOT be assaulted with graphic nudity, porn, etc -
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On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street
was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, ”You should be
hung!” I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from
my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes
of this nosy ass neighbor bitch and then calmly replied, “I am! That’s
why she cuts the fucking grass.”
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new stuff daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After
picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his
Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.
He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline
handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the
rain.
A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She
asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily
agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his
Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells
him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after
dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in
silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the
dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed
things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her
family.
And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct
approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of
everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting
desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have
even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!
By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when
he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the
chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the
Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
~thanks to garythexton
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The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who
just quit; and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of
the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.
"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I
sniff the lumber and know what type it is -- I will stack it
accordingly."
So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man in
front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was. Ahhhhhhhhhh..."
said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and
stacked it in place.
The foreman was surprised and repeated the test with oak and redwood,
fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once. Then, getting a
sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary.
"There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him. He
says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it. I want
to confuse him.. come back here, take off all your clothes and lay on
top of that pile of wood."
The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood.
Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't
believe I've ever smelled wood like that before... let me take another
sniff."
He went closer and sniffed the wood again. "DAMN, I have no idea what
that is... can you turn it over?" The secretary turned over. The blind
man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.
"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"
"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell,
it's the shit house door off a tuna boat."
~thanks to tem3_num
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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom
Assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new
Bride to be. Tom proudly said,
'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the
Sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an
eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to
help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And
how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old Guys.
~thanks to RSommers
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Two men were playing golf and two women ahead of them were taking way to
long on the green so one of the men said he would go up and tell them to
hurry up.
He got within about thirty yards turned around and came back he told his
friend that one was his wife and the other his mistress. So the other
man said he would talk to them, he also got within thirty yards and came
back "small world isn't it".
~thanks to The Earl of Bodfish
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A Jewish woman says to her mother, Mamma 'I'm divorcing Sheldon! '
You're divorcing Sheldon? Are you going out of your mind?
Mama, all he is wants is anal sex, and my tuchas is now the size of a 50
cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel.
Tatala (means sweet child for all you gentiles), the mother says,
you are married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
you live in an 25,000 square foot, 14 bedroom, 7 bathroom mansion,
you drive a Ferrari F430 Spider,
you get $3,000.00 a week spending money,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45
cents?
~thanks to thetopk9
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VANITY PLATES!
ML8ML8 - On a white VW rabbit (I'm late I'm late!)
UPPA US - On a Cadillac in Minnesota. It's a proctologist's plate.
DV8S - (Deviates), Montgomery County
69NE1 - On a red sports car in New York.
ICNCYDU - I see inside you, a radiologist's plate.
CYIMBRK - See Why I'm broke, found on a cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck.
OH2B39 - A woman in her early 50s has had this plate for about the last
ten years.
YURNEXT - On the car of an undertaker.
1DFOAL - On a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby horse.
4SAFETY - On a Volvo (It should read "What a crock!)
6ISENUF - "6 is enough". 6 kids is enough.
9MPGWOW - 9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille.
AV8RX - Aviatrix (female pilot).
KPASAMD - (Que) Pasa MD [What's up Doc?]
TOOLONG - On a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine,
Seattle, WA.
W8N4FRI - Waitin' for Friday...join the club!
WNDWS95 - Windows 95, On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van.
XKWIZIT - Exquisite, on a '56 speedster.
CMEGOBYU - See me go by you!
CME4AD8 - See me for a date.
CME4DK - See me for decay, on a dentist's car
2PCME - To pee, see me! Urologist's plate
80 INCH - The 80 inch refers to the 80 inch motor on a '82 Harley
Davidson
GO TPLS - Go Topless! On a 1968 Camaro Convertible Owner has been
flashed on warm evenings.
NOMODO - No More Dough, on a Veerrrry expensive car.
OL FART - The loving family presented the old man with a new plate for
his 95 911 Porsche.
PP DR - This plate belongs to a urologist in the Detroit area.
PULN GS - Pulling Gs, on a 300ZX.
EX WIFE - That says it all and was on an old Volvo.
2ND WIFE - On a new Mercedes.
3RD WIFE - On a beat up Ford.
MYREVNG - My Revenge (Divorcee).
HESMINE - On a Porsche driven by a male model.
XITHWY1 - Exit Highway 1. a trucker's plate, Highway 1 was old CB slang
for trucker heaven.
CME4LUV - See me for love, Dr. Ruth Westheimer's car?
ZBD DO DA - A Walt Disney tune.
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It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett
woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the
Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along
the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim
Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of
the wall. These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans
moving steadily toward them.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie
and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"
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Xtreme Parting Thought
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your
time and annoys the pig.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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