|
Sunday Edition
|
Pat L
|
Feb 24, 2008 11:10 PST
|
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Jane Fonda Excuses
10. It was nickel beer day at IHOP
9. Seemed like something people would want to hear first thing in the
morning
8. Katie Couric used to say it all the time
7. It's not such a bad word when you think about it
6. Roker likes it when I talk dirty
5. It was today's entry on my Word-of-the-Day calendar
4. Too many years listening to Ted Turner
3. Ain't been right since injection from Roger Clemens' trainer
2. That pinhead Lauer dared me
1. Trying to be romantic on Valentine's Day
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Late Night
Bill Clinton had a big Valentine’s Day celebration today, got a fancy
hotel room covered in candles and rose petals for the woman he loves . .
. then he went home to Hillary.
~Craig Ferguson
Valentine’s Day started out as an ancient Roman fertility festival. What
would happen is a young nobleman would charge through the street naked,
striking people with a leather thong for good luck. It is like a party
at Elton John’s house.
~Craig Ferguson
Today we celebrate the birthdays of Presidents Washington and Lincoln,
or as President Bush calls them, Mr. Quarter and Mr. Penny.
~Jay Leno
Out in California, they recalled 143 million pounds of tainted beef.
That’s one triple-stacked burger at Wendy’s.
~David Letterman
How about the presidential campaign. Barack Obama and John Edwards got
together over the weekend. Edwards may endorse Barack Obama. Although
his hair is leaning towards Hillary.
~David Letterman
John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, “he’ll
lead you into the 21st century.” I like it better than his old slogan,
“he’ll lead you into assisted living.”
~David Letterman
President Bush is in Africa right now. He met the president of Tanzania
and gave him a pair of Shaquille O’Neil sneakers. The president of
Tanzania was thrilled and said he plans to use Shaq’s shoes as a house
for hundreds of people.
~Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, the Department of Agriculture recalled 145 million pounds of
beef. Experts say this is the largest recall of beef since Star Jones
had liposuction.
~Conan O’Brien
Congratulations to the new nation of Kosovo. They gained their
independence this week. Of course, President Bush was shocked when he
heard this. He said, “Independence? But we haven’t even invaded them
yet.”
~Jay Leno
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down, ending five
decades of rule. The biggest surprise is when Castro announced he’s
going to retire in Miami.
~Conan O’Brien
The Spice Girls say they want to play for Nelson Mandela’s 90 birthday
party. When he heard this he said, “No thanks — I’d rather go back to
prison.”
~Conan O’Brien
Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is the man who
blocked the Internet in his own country.
~Craig Ferguson
He has a blog. Probably has a MySpace page as well — “Current mood:
Evil.”
~Craig Ferguson
Fidel is being replaced by a younger, sexier Castro: his younger brother
Raul. Is this even possible? Can you imagine a country run by one family
for years and years and years? That could never happen here . . .
~Craig Ferguson
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TNT PLAYROOMZ-XTASY
Bathed in Ecstasy!!!!
Twice a month...
Let Noiz and Tiger be your Nectar of Xtasy!!!
Join us for some Erotic Art, Erotic short stories
Plenty of Erotic tips, A few Romantic Ideas.....
Always something to get your juices flowing!!!!
So subscribe and become addicted to the Masters of Ecstasy!!!!!
TNT_Playroomz-X-@yahoogroups.com
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided
that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the
exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his
application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and
that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went
there to find out why.
He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that"
'Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man
parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to
march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the
Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man
had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
*****
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my wife's breast in an envelope and send it to
someone.
*****
A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant
orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the
teacher commented, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang
Theory."
~thanks to Stan Kegel
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TNT PLAYROOMZ-TIGERPURRZ
Ever wonder just what makes Tiger Purr????
Or even what makes her clawz come out???
Better yet....
Do you think you can make Tiger purr????
Subscribe to find out just what makes Tiger that tame little pussy
cat....
or what turns her into that Wild Cat!!!!
Those spur-of-the-momentpurrz and clawz are what it's all about!!!!
When you least expect it... TigerPurrz will be in your mailbox!!!!!
TNT_Playroomz-Tig-@yahoogroups.com
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a new sex survey they found that 18 percent of people had sex four
or more times a week.
Now here is the interesting part. That number drops to 3 percent when
you add the phrase, “With a partner.”
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new stuff daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd
ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
~thanks to garythexton
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?" "It's like when you go into a
restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform reaches in
front of you and says, 'does my paranoia'?"
~thanks to tem3_num
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine.'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have
black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the
gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on
both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?'
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once
or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.’
~thanks to RSommers
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An old grizzled mountain man went to the dentist with terribly swollen
cheeks. The dentist checked him and told him he had severly impacted
wisdom teeth and they would have to be extacted. He asked
if he wanted to be put out. He refused so the dentist told him it would
be extreamly painful so he would at least give him a local again he
refused and told the dentist to just yank them out. He yanked and tugged
and finally got them out and the old boy never flinched. The dentist
said it was probably none of his business but asked why he didn't even
flinch and the old boy said "Ive already endured the two worst pains .
Naturally the dentist inquired. "I was out hunting and had to take a
dump and squatted over a bear trap and it closed on my privates" The
dentist said he could see that it would be very painful then asked what
the second worst pain was. "When I ran out of chain".
~thanks to The Earl of Bodfish
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"OUT OF THE OFFICE" EMAIL REPLIES!
1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall.
Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness
sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to
formulate an appropriate response to your request.
2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your mail will be
deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection
and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this one is that when you return,
you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
8. I've run away to join a different circus.
9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Marvin' instead of 'Martha.'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Exercise for those over 50 (give or take a few years)
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this
position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck
in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a
cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Xtreme Parting Thought
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot
at ex-lovers, and miss.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
|
|
 |
|
