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Wednesday Edition
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Pat L
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Feb 27, 2008 16:54 PST
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Film Is Not Going To Be Winning An Academy Award
10. It's 90 minutes of credits
9. Plot involves Matthew McConaughey's death-defying quest to find a
shirt
8. It was directed by Steven Spielbaum
7. Awkward 20-minute part where actor has hiccoughs
6. To save money on special effects, film's monsters are stunt guys in
green ping pong ball covered leotards
5. During movie, you hear sound guy grumble, "Oh, come on"
4. No number 4 — writer still stuck on Jet Blue flight — still a
reference, people
3. Only honor it received was "Most Graphic Depiction of Raccoon Sex"
2. There's never been a Best Picture with "Hottie" or "Nottie" in the
title
1. It was rated H.C.T.S. for "Holy Crap, This Sucks"
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
This week on TV, John McCain said, “No new taxes.” You know who else
said that . . . Wesley Snipes.
~Jay Leno
Hillary is worried that Bill will wander off in Texas, so today she had
him branded and gelded.
~David Letterman
More bad news for Hillary Clinton. Yesterday, the founders of Ben &
Jerry’s announced they are endorsing Barack Obama instead of Hillary.
They decided not to endorse Hillary after they realized nobody would buy
a flavor called Nutbuster Crunch.
~Conan O’Brien
This is weird: The band Abba is upset with John McCain. The band wants
John McCain to stop using their song on his campaign route. When asked
about it, John McCain said, “Who cares about Abba? Kids today are into
the Bee Gees.”
~Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He will be
replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State Department, Raul is
the Jim Belushi of Central America.
~Conan O’Brien
President Bush is going to blow up that defective spy satellite. His
plan is to blow up one a month until he leaves office.
~Jimmy Kimmel
Hillary Clinton still doing very well in one state: the state of denial.
~Jay Leno
The New York Times said McCain had an affair years ago. I think it was
with Joan of Ark.
~Craig Ferguson
The Academy Awards are just across the street. They’ve got the red
carpet out, they’ve even covered the storm drains in case it rains so
Keira Knightley doesn’t wash down the sewer.
~Jimmy Kimmel
I’m sure you’ve heard this story by now — The New York Times alleges
that John McCain had an inappropriate relationship with a young female
lobbyist. I haven’t seen McCain this angry since “Matlock” was canceled.
~Jay Leno
The New York Times did it again. Today they released a story suggesting
Hillary was sleeping with Bill. There’s only so much you can believe.
~Jay Leno
Academy Awards on Sunday. Side effects include nausea, stomach pains,
and sexual dysfunction.
~David Letterman
Academy Awards is like a flight on Jet Blue. You sit there for six hours
hoping it will take off.
~David Letterman
The statue, the Oscar, is 13 ½ inches tall, weighs 8 ½ pounds, and . . .
no, that’s Tom Cruise.
~David Letterman
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Receive wallpapers in your email every day.
Almost any type of scene.
Mountains, flowers, wildlife, domestic animals, and more.
Sign up today and start receiving1-3 wallpapers each day.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/wolfswallpapers
Sign up email
wolfswallpape-@yahoogroups.com
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A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits
down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And
the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care
of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The
bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that
inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the
dogs aren't too smart, either."
*****
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam.
She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little
trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from
the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde
then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the
examiner. She asks, "Now what?"
*****
An attorney specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he
added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to
injury.
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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Davids Beautiful Babes
Wanna see something PHAT?
yep.. that is Pretty Hot and
Tempting.. Want to see what our
editor David has found for you??
You can bet one thing they will be
delivered free to your mailbox.
Send a blank e-mail to:
Davids_Beautiful-@yahoogroups.com
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For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or
religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently
revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether
he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel
in the United States.
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
giving technical advice.
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new stuff daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second
drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw
me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I
could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a
gift to me."
"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her
Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
~thanks to garythexton
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A woman's husband had made arrangements for her husband's passing. The
funeral director encountered a problem which he discussed withthe
widow."Ma'am we cannot close the casket because your husbands cock is
too long. What would you like us to do"? She thought about the problem
and told the director to cut off his penis and shove it up his ass. The
director complied with her wishes. At the funeral, well wishers passed
the casket. When his wife passed by, she noticed a tear runing down his
cheek. She leaned over the casket and whispered "Hurts like a bitch,
don't it?
~thanks to tem3_num
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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
~thanks to RSommers
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A guy goes to a house of ill repute and asks to see a girl. the madam
tells him to take a seat and she'll bring one down. He says, "this is a
union establishment right?" She is dumfounded and stutters no. She
retains her composer and decides that she screwed up but might as well
send the business to her friend down the street so she tells him that
the house on the end of the street is strong union. He thanks her and
leaves. She calls her friend and explained the
situation. He shows up at the house and says that he understands that it
is a union house. The madam assures him that it is asks him to take a
seat. She comes down the stairs with a wrinkled old hag and he says, "Is
this the best you have to offer?" She replies, "She has seniority."
~thanks to The Earl of Bodfish
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Medical Breakthrough Medications
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they
moved out.
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls,
is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up
phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be
a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra,
can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the
victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr.
Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man
who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet
to be used on anyone too eager to share their life
stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More
effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women
to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father
answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from
them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and
Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about
the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his
side."
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Mike, and his wife had several stressful months of financial
difficulties.
So one evening she was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding
ring that symbolized our marriage. "With this ring..." she began
romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
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Xtreme Parting Thought
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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