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Sunday Edition
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Pat L
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Mar 02, 2008 10:00 PST
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Martha Stewart And Emeril Lagasse Dinner Party Tips
10. Now thanks to Dominos 2-pizza deal, I can host a full blown dinner
for 14 bucks
9. Run out of cream? In a pinch you can substitute Martha Stewart's
white semi-gloss paint
8. Before cooking, lick poultry to make sure it doesn't taste
"Salmonella-y"
7. Keep Regis away from the cooking sherry
6. Bam! Sorry, I always had wanted to do that
5. An apron is a great substitute for pants
4. For plump and juicy meats, inject that stuff Roger Clemens uses
3. Wait until dishes have been cleared before telling guests, "You just
ate monkey"
2. Never let Jane Fonda make a toast
1. Whatever you do, don't invite Letterman
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
The Pentagon says it successfully shot down an old satellite over the
Pacific Ocean. According to the Pentagon, this is the largest object to
be shot down since Star Jones was fired by “The View.”
~Conan O’Brien
Kirstie Alley is starting her own weight-loss company. Here’s how it
works: You send her 30 bucks, and she comes to your house and stands
next to you.
~Craig Ferguson
A great story about Aston Kucher’s birthday party. Apparently, a bar
tender who worked at the party tested positive for hepatitis A, which is
extremely contagious, and there were a ton of celebrities there . . .
Demi Moore, Madonna, Kate Hudson, Liv Tyler, Javier Bardem, who’s
nominated for Best-Supporting Actor . . . all could have hepatitis A,
which is now like the coolest thing, like the Kabbalah bracelets.
~Jimmy Kimmel
Since Javier Bardem is going to be at the Oscars, he could wind up
exposing everyone at the Oscars. You have to hand it to that Ashton
Kutcher . . . he’s always finding new ways to screw with famous people.
~Jimmy Kimmel
Problems for Hillary Clinton: There are 14 states to go, and she only
has 12 pantsuits left.
~Jay Leno
This just in: Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the
Academy Awards.
~David Letterman
Elton John had a party afterwards. Jack Nicholson was there and so was
Jack Black. It was a pretty good hand: two jacks and a queen.
~David Letterman
I stayed up and watched the Oscars last night. Javier Bardem delivered
part of his acceptance speech in Spanish. He said he did that because he
wanted everyone in California to understand him.
~Conan O’Brien
Things getting nasty between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. Hillary
Clinton’s campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama in a
traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama’s campaign has been
circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit.
~Conan O’Brien
Political experts are now saying it is impossible for Hillary Clinton to
win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill,
except of course, Bill: “Stay out there, Honey. Keep fighting!”
~Jay Leno
Ralph Nader announced that he's once again going to run for president.
Nader says he's running because he's tired of Mike Huckabee stealing all
the “no chance in hell” vote.
~Conan O’Brien
Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee that costs
only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have to purchase it at
Dunkin' Donuts.
~Conan O’Brien
Barack Obama said if they make a movie about his life, he would like
Will Smith to play him. And Hillary said she would want an older woman
who looks good in a pantsuit. So obviously she’s picked John Travolta.
~Craig Ferguson
It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight, every
Starbucks was closed. It was terrible. For three full hours, people
everywhere were forced to pay a reasonable amount for coffee.
~Jimmy Kimmel
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Adult orientated, Semi-Moderated humor list. Filled with jokes and
toons, pix n info,
Basically anything but SPAM!
ABSOLUTELY,No GRAPHIC, KIDDIE or BESTALITY nudity ALLOWED-But toons of
any nature are acceptable. To access the home pages files n folders you
must have a PROFILE
with a legal AGE of 18 or older! We are a fun loving group, promising
smiles and laughter for
all! Sign up today and see what we got! Invite your friends as well, the
more the merrier!
Visit group on web at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WnW_BigList/
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I was going to give my girl one of those heart balloons for
Valentine's Day. But she said she didn't want an angioplasty.
*****
Bill, the accountant where he is employed, came to work looking
exhausted. After awhile, his boss took him aside. "Bill," he said,
"you look terrible! What's wrong?" "Sorry," he replied. "I just
couldn't get to sleep last night." Trying to be helpful, Bill's boss
asked, "Why didn't you try counting sheep?" "I did," he answered. "But
THAT was part of the problem. I made a mistake in counting, and it took
me the rest of the night to find it."
*****
Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone
nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around
the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Ass, Arkansas,"
called out someone. "Burnt Ass?!?" said the instructor. "I've heard some
unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?"
"Right above Hot Springs."
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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Dred's Dolls
Wanna see lovely women in all their glory?
Then this is the group you've been looking for.
Come see what we have waiting for you??
You can bet one thing they will be
delivered free to your mailbox 3 times a week
Send a blank e-mail to:
dreds_dolls-@yahoogroups.com
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Sex is like a petrol station.
Sometimes you get full service.
Sometimes you have to ask for service
and sometimes you have to be happy with self-service. ..
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
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Check out my web page for more fun! Lots of fun pix & cartoons!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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This was just too cute, and anyone who know or has kids or
works with them will appreciated this :)
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 2 years old and had just
recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other
injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the
evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get
water is the toilet??'
~thanks to garythexton
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Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!"
came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our
Country Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River
with his troops. There were 33 men in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the
front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so
they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving
rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and
forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly
an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they
must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see
lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge
house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute
hidden in the forest to serve all who wandered nearby.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The
door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A
huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you
have?" Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without
Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me".
~thanks to tem3_num
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the
showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his
way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,
he drops a bar of soap.
'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a soap dispenser'.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood .... sure
enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells, 'Holy Mary, Mother of God
-Hand Lotion, too!'
~thanks to RSommers
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A young boy washes up on a desert island and survives for years, One day
a lovely young lady washes ashore and asks him how long he has been
there and how he managed to survive.
He said he didn't know how long he had been on the island but was
fortunate to survive by eating the natural fruit, roots, and digging for
clams. She said, "what about sex?" He said. "what is sex?" She asked him
if he would like her to show him. He agreed and when it was all over she
asked him what he thought and he said,"It was great but look what i did
to my clam digger."
~thanks to The Earl of Bodfish
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Couldn't biblical characters be recruited as high-tech
promoters?
Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:
10. Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything.
Why not you?
9. Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center
(Excedrin.com): Take two tablets and call me in the morning.
8. The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days
and 40 nights.
7. Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us. We've learned
the hard way.
6. Solomon for Microsoft: Don't cut the baby in half.
5. Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the
36-bit color of my megapixel dreamcoat.
4. Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960.
3. John the Baptist for DunkinDonuts.com: You'll be head
over heels for our new Munchkin platter.
2. Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we'd had Norton
AntiPlague 2002 in 2002...B.C.E.
1. Job for Nasdaq: 'Nuff said.
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At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a
canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog
with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog
would lick his owner's face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this
theory on my two dogs.
I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the
floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee
table for my pizza.
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In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling
trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit
and says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most,
trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet,
one of his neighbors buys a gun."
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Xtreme Parting Thought
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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