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Wednesday Edition
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Pat L
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Mar 05, 2008 17:00 PST
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Academy Awards
10. "I'm pretty sure Jack Nicholson is asleep under those sunglasses"
9. "Another refill, Mr. Busey?"
8. "The award for sound mixing . . . finally"
7. "Somebody tell Michael Moore the buffet is for after the show"
6. "Only four more hours? Man, this thing is flying"
5. "Damn, I have 'The Hottie And The Nottie' in my Academy Awards pool"
4. "Eddie Brill says there were too many foreigners in the audience"
3. "No Number 3 — writer still watching Academy Awards"
2. "No, Ms. Fonda, It's 'No Country For Old Men'"
1. "Why can't more Academy Award winners be strippers?"
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio. The big winner?
“American Idol.”
~Jay Leno
Hillary and Obama debated who the Republicans are most afraid of. I
don’t want to take sides, but I think it’s pretty obvious who
Republicans are most afraid of — John McCain.
~Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She’s getting pretty
desperate. Today, she accused Barack of attending a party at Jose
Canseco’s house.
~David Letterman
Bill Clinton has been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. And
she’s really upset about it. So upset, she’s encouraged him to start
dating again.
~David Letterman
A photo has been circulating of Obama in a turban. This should actually
help Obama with a key group of voters in New York: taxi drivers.
~Conan O’Brien
In sports: The Florida Marlins have announced they will form an
all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be called the Marlin
Brandos.
~Conan O’Brien
Not a great day for Britain. They had a 5.2 earthquake in Britain.
Prince Charles said he knew it was coming . . . the horses were acting
up. Especially Camilla.
~Craig Ferguson
There are some birthdays today: Ralph Nader and Elizabeth Taylor. Two
very different people, of course. One is a crazy old bitch who is out of
touch with reality, the other one is Liz Taylor.
~Craig Ferguson
Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho is in the news again. Not only hasn’t he
stepped down from his Senate seat, he’s actually looking for summer
interns. He’s looking for juniors and seniors in college who have an
interest in politics and know how to keep their mouths shut.
~Jimmy Kimmel
The deadline is mid-March. If you’re interested, slip your resume under
the third stall from the left in the Meridian’s men’s room off I-84.
~Jimmy Kimmel
Here’s a crazy story. According to The New York Times, even though both
of John McCain’s parents were American citizens and were serving in the
armed forces at the time, there could be a constitutional argument he
can’t be president because he wasn’t born in this country, he was born
in Panama. Now they are questioning if Ralph Nader is eligible because
it turns out that he doesn’t appear to be born on planet earth.
~Jay Leno
Cold here today. So cold, that thing on Amy Winehouse’s head? It mated
it with that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
~David Letterman
So cold, that at the Metropolitan Museum, the mummy closed the lid.
~David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is down there in Texas, campaigning hard. She pulling
out all the stops. Today, she was campaigning in a rawhide pantsuit.
~David Letterman
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There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep
mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against
the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but
otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee,
have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop
a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that
method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will
take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all
push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
*****
I tried to snort coke once, but I got an ice cube stuck up my nose.
*****
A sight-seeing bus travelling from San Francisco to Muir Woods
National Monument wound around many hairpin curves. After successfully
negotiating a particularly sharp curve, the bus driver pulled over to
the side of the road. "Well, this is a new twist," he said, surveying
his wide-eyed passengers. "I'm taking a load of petrified tourists to
see a living forest!
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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A1Fun
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unmoderated joke list, with everything from
G to X-no porn! Jokes, toons, wavs, clips etc. we
have it all ! The only thing missing is.......YOU ! Over 18 only.
Come show us your stuff
http://groups.google.com/group/A1Fun
<High volume list>
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The cute, busty young blonde tried on an extremely low cut dress and, as
she studied herself in the mirror, asked the sales clerk if she thought
it was too low cut. “Do you have hair on your chest?” asked the clerk.
“No. Of course not,” said the blonde. “What a stupid fucking question.”
“Then it’s too low cut!”
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new stuff daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'
'No!' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes!' she replied.
Then I said,
'I'd like to phone a friend.'
That's the last thing I remember.
~thanks to garythexton
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Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The
madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and
she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and
walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with
him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.
Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her.
So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little,
giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her
ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can
and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a
man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants
that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her
employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is
available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and
then she sits in his lap.
Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian
currency?"
~thanks to tem3_num
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A Koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they
enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that
he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell
into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him
to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with
you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking
a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into
the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the
rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a
joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude.....
How much water did you drink?
~thanks to RSommers
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard
of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.
'They're watch dogs!'
~thanks to The Earl of Bodfish
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Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think
is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so
you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna
have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a
bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with
another man.
Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"
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Concluding his exam, the doctor said to his patient, "Mr. Defford, I
find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health
despite being quite overweight. My advice to you is this: If you want
to stay healthy, give up those intimate little dinners for two unless
you have someone to share them with."
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Xtreme Parting Thought
The only time a windshield wiper will work properly
is when it's holding a parking ticket.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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