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Monday Edition
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Pat L
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Mar 17, 2008 16:17 PST
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Late Show Top Ten
(2004)
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying A Shillelagh
10. "Do I need another Shillelagh?"
9. "Should I pay the extra ten dollars and get the Mach 3 Shillelagh?"
8. "In case I need assistance, is there a Shillelagh customer service
hotline?"
7. "Used Shillelagh: Unsanitary?"
6. "What does the size of my Shillelagh say about me?"
5. "Where does John Kerry stand on Shillelaghs?"
4. "Should I hold off until the 2005 Shillelaghs arrive?"
3. "Should I just go to the yard and get a stick?"
2. "Will I get a discount if my name is Shelly?"
1. "Am I comfortable being known as 'That jackass with the Shillelagh'?"
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack
Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the No. 1 position.
She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for
getting the most votes and being the most popular.
~Jay Leno
Beautiful day outside. So sunny, Eliot Spitzer came out of a brothel
squinting.
~David Letterman
Everybody knows by now that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was caught with
a high-priced call girl. There but for a declined MasterCard go I.
~David Letterman
Spitzer was told about the evidence against him on Friday. Last Friday.
I was thinking, “Wow. Somebody had a worse weekend than I did.”
~David Letterman
He was a regular customer. He was known as “Client 9.” It looks like
Client 9 will be looking for Wife 2.
~David Letterman
Yesterday, The New York Times reported that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer
was a customer of high-end prostitution ring and that the prostitutes
knew him as “Client 9.” Not surprisingly, Clients 1-8 were Charlie
Sheen.
~Conan O’Brien
If Gov. Spitzer resigns over his prostitution scandal, he will
reportedly go into private practice as a lawyer. When asked why he
wanted to practice law again, Spitzer said, “I like businesses where you
charge by the hour and screw your clients."
~Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all been claiming
that they’re the most qualified person to answer the White House phone
at 3 a.m. McCain said, “I'm the most qualified because I'm usually up at
that hour peeing anyway."
~Conan O’Brien
A new study claims that New York State drinking water contains dozens of
pharmaceutical drugs. A spokesperson for New York state said that
pharmaceutical drugs in the drinking water are not dangerous unless your
erection lasts for more than four hours.
~Conan O’Brien
He <Gov. Eliot Spitzer> held a press conference where he apologized to
his constituents and his family. He didn’t take any questions; he went
right home where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles.
~Jimmy Kimmel
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Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking.
It's called Nicotine Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call
them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.
*****
What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
Patty O’Furniture
What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
Sham rock
Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
Because they are always wearing green.
Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn’t afford plane fare.
What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
He gets wet.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Sure now, but them regular rocks be way to heavy, don't you know.
What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A leper con
What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
' Top o' the moaning!"
Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?
In the Little League!
What do you call a leprechaun's vacation home?
A lepre-condo!
What do you call a leprechaun with a sore throat?
A streprechaun!
What would you get if you crossed a stupid boy with a well known Irish
ballad?
"O Dummy Boy"!
What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a bathroom?
A lepre john!
What's little and green and goes two hundred miles per hour?
A leprechaun in a blender!
What's an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls called?
Rick O'Shea.
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up,
She said I have to stop wanking,
I said “Why?”
She said “Because I’m trying to examine you!”
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new stuff daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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Two Irishmen were in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation
as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dyin'.
~thanks to garythexton
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I
notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?'
'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'
'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these Matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of Matzo's.'
'I see', replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with
all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick.
~thanks to RSommers
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'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60 year old man. 'You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out.
'Ah, that's nothing,' said the 70-year-old man. 'When you're seventy,
you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat
bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all,'
'Do you have trouble peeing too?' asked the 60-year-old.
'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock;
no problem at all.'
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So, what's so bad about being 80?'
'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
~thanks to The Earl of Bodfish
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast. And a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father.
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, ‘He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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Patrick and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so
many children that they didn't know what to do. Paddy
says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice
from the parish priest. We can't keep on with any more
children."
So they went to see the priest and the priest says to
Patrick, "Now, my boys, you know the church only allows
two ways to limit the little ones. One is to abstain
altogether and the other is the rhythm method."
Patrick scratches his head and says, "Well, now, Father,
how in the hell am I going to find a band at 4:00
o'clock in the morning?"
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Dinny was standing in the street the other day when an English chap came
up to him and said,
"I say old chap, could you show me the way to the nearest boozer?"
Says Dinny, hopefully,
You're looking at him."
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Xtreme Parting Thought
Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains
all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!!
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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