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Thursday Edition
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Pat L
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Mar 20, 2008 16:10 PST
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IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you did not receive/get a chance to read/could
care less/deleted the email marked "Important Notice" on Monday, this is
just to let you know that:
XTREME HUMOR IS MOVING TO YAHOOGROUPS...
..and I would love for you to come along for the ride!
Send a blank email to:
xtremehumor-@yahoogroups.com
You will receive a confirmation email from Yahoo that you must reply to.
You will then be added. After you add yourself, I will turn off your
subscription for Topica, so that you aren't receiving 2 emails for
Xtreme.
Thank you for your continued support!
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade
10. "Is that green beer or New York City tap water?"
9. "50,000 people. 200,000 beers. One bathroom"
8. "Put your shirt on, Mr. McGreevey — this isn't the Gay Pride Parade"
7. "When are they going to clean up the garbage from New Year's Eve?"
6. "Some guy just tried to sell me a bag of primo Mexican 'four leaf
clover'"
5. "Larry!!!"
4. "Wanna grab a beer at O'sama's?"
3. "No number 3 — writer out drinking"
2. "Letterman's wearing his green hairpiece"
1. "That's not a leprechaun, it's Mayor Bloomberg"
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, resigned. In his
resignation speech he said, "To whom much has been given, much is
expected." Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000-an-hour
hooker.
~Jay Leno
Congratulations to Barack Obama! He won again last night. He beat
Hillary in Mississippi with 60 percent of the vote. In fact, he won by
such a wide margin that Hillary is now definitely going to offer him the
No. 2 spot on the ticket.
~Jay Leno
Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned today. He left his resignation on the night
table with a $300 tip.
~David Letterman
He waited on the resignation, but he couldn’t get a pardon from Oprah,
so he’s gone.
~David Letterman
Republican presidential candidate John McCain says he’s trying to find a
vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to
find his reading glasses and his car keys.
~Conan O’Brien
This week, airport security stopped a woman from getting on a plane with
a skeleton in her luggage. The woman’s name: Mrs. Larry King.
~Conan O’Brien
Our top story tonight: Mary Ann from "Gilligan’s Island" arrested. Dawn
Wells, the actress who plays Mary Ann on "Gilligan’s Island" was
arrested after sheriff’s deputies saw her swerving. They pulled her over
and found some half-smoked joints and a bong made out of a coconut, I
think.
~Jimmy Kimmel
The big movie that is opening this weekend is the Dr. Seuss film,
“Horton Hears a Who.” Don’t confuse it with the new film about the
governor of New York, “Eliot Hires a Ho.”
~Jay Leno
What the Spitzers are saying is, they need some time alone. And I
thought this was very nice: Sen. Larry Craig offered his vacation
restroom on the lake.
~David Letterman
You probably know that The New York Times was able to find that hooker
that Spitzer allegedly paid $1,000 an hour for. Her real name is Ashley
Dupre, and her MySpace page says her first love is music. Her second
love is having sex with governors for money.
~Jimmy Kimmel
She’ll do fine. Here’s what’s going to happen: She’s going to pose naked
for Playboy; she’ll do a season of “Celebrity Apprentice,” maybe a
“Surreal Life”; she’ll top if off by having a baby with Pauly Shore.
~Jimmy Kimmel
With all the bad news about the economy today, John McCain started
distancing himself from President Bush. In fact, McCain was running so
fast from President Bush he ran into Barack Obama who was running from
his minister, and Hillary was running from Geraldine Ferraro . . .
~Jay Leno
As if we don’t have enough problems. Fifteen different prescription
drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to God, you need a doctor’s
prescription to turn on the faucet.
~David Letterman
This morning, President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy
even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs, and jobs
continued to be lost. So when asked what part of the economy is working,
Bush said, “Hookers are doing well.”
~Conan O’Brien
Yesterday Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk and agreed
to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, “We should
pretend to like each other just like Bill and I do.”
~Conan O’Brien
The Pentagon just published a report that officially confirms that there
was never any link between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaida. The report is
entitled “Oops . . . Our Bad.”
~Conan O’Brien
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S & T Adult
Cum, join in and see who's doing who.
Get 5 XXX pictures sent to your inbox a few
times a week. To join send a blank e-mail to
sandt_adult-@yahoogroups.com
or check out the home page at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sandt_adult
Must be 18 or older to join
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In a medical school the daily seminar listed the topic, "Surprises in
Obstetrics." Scrawled under it in pencil were the words, "Mary had a
little lamb."
*****
I was expecting my Asian friend Chu to arrive at the airport and want to
be picked up at the same time that I had a pressing commitment
elsewhere. I simply couldn't be in two places at once, but I couldn't
get out of my previous commitment. What to do? Then I remembered that my
friend Stuart had offered several times to help me if he ever could in
any way. Maybe he could solve my problem. So I called him up, explained
my dilemma to him, and asked him, "Please, Stu, meet Chu."
*****
Following a really good party one night, the hosts decided to leave he
assorted bottles and dregs until the next morning. As they staggered
downstairs next day, they found their young children finishing off all
that they could find, and looking the worse for wear. Not knowing what
to do, the father suggested taking them out in the car for some fresh
air. A traffic policeman, seeing the car going round and round the block
for no reason, pulled him over and breathalyzed him... and the meter
showed positive. While matters were being sorted out, one of the
children asked the policeman if he could try the Breathalyzer... and the
meter again showed positive! "Damn," said the policeman, "another faulty
meter!" He then apologized to the driver for stopping him, and drove off
without another word...
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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S & T Amateur
Cum, join in and see young (18+) amateurs showing you
what they got. Get 5 Amateur pictures sent to your inbox
a few times a week. To join send a blank e-mail to
sandt_amateu-@yahoogroups.com
or check out the home page at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sandt_amateurs
Must be 18 or older to join
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Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in
the dumps. “What’s the matter?” Bill asked. “I don’t get it,” Bob
sighed. “The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damn people
you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me,
but her father fuck’n hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of
her parents really liked me, but SHE didn’t really like me. And then
there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her
parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband couldn’t fuck’n
stand me!”
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new stuff daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug
Administration that previously unanticipated complications, result
when Viagra is taken along with Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act
together and magnify the effects of the other. The researchers have
concluded that the result is that you end up both coming and going at
the same time. It *really* gets complicated when Prozac is taken with
the other drugs, because then, you really don't give a shit if your
cumming or going.
~thanks to garythexton
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Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house
was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing.
He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though,
the further away it seemed to get.
One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he
decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.
His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you
moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know."
He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised
his wife he'd not do it again.
Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold.
Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race
horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the
bedroom to do his business.
He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife,
suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone
very long."
"That's right."
"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."
"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could
see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing
out there."
"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"
~thanks to RSommers
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A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was
failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed
everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last
resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the Rabbi said, "Here's what I want you to do:
Put a beach chair and your Torah in your car and drive down to the
beach. Take the beach chair and the Torah to the water's edge, sit down
in the beach chair, and put the Torah in your lap. Open the
Torah; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Torah will
come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing
you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife
and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his
wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an
envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the Rabbi as a
donation in thanks for his advice.
The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I
suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Torah in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
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New Corporate Lingo to be aware of
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by
mistake)
6. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
7. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going
on.
8. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
9. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a
Cube Farm.
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Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would
embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with
a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always
leading off with, "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and
explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot, too. I don't
have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could
borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was
immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl.
He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual
nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen
friend in for a nightcap. Suddenly, she heard the parrot
screech, and she knew that things hadn't changed.
"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get
it tonight!" the parrot said.
The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?"
And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed bitch!"
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A woman sends her clothing out to the
Chinese laundry..when it comes back
there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to
the Chinaman "use more soap on panties".
This goes on for several weeks, the woman
sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally the chinaman responded with,
"use more paper on ass."
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At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on
the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let
them go, however, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats --
1,2,4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3....
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Xtreme Parting Thought
To find out exactly where your own property ends and your neighbor's
begins, watch carefully the next time he mows the grass.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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