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Sunday Edition - Happy Easter!
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Pat L
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Mar 23, 2008 07:22 PST
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IMPORTANT NOTICE:
XTREME HUMOR IS MOVING TO YAHOOGROUPS...
..and I would love for you to come along for the ride!
Send a blank email to:
xtremehumor-@yahoogroups.com
You will receive a confirmation email from Yahoo that you must reply to.
You will then be added. After you add yourself, I will turn off your
subscription for Topica, so that you aren't receiving 2 emails for
Xtreme.
Thank you for your continued support!
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny
10. Shows up wearing the costume head and nothing else.
9. Reeks of tequila and Easter egg dye.
8. Immediately asks if he can have Easter off.
7. Refuses to hop because it aggravates his double hernia.
6. For an extra 20 bucks, parents can buy an ounce of his
special "Easter grass".
5. Only gives the kids candy after they attend his
presentation on the time-share condos.
4. Keeps muttering something about "infidels" and "jihad".
3. Costume is made from animal skin he scraped off the
interstate.
2. Habitually licks and grooms himself.
1. The enormous ears? Steroids.
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone’s wearing green today. You know where
you’re not seeing any green? Wall Street.
~Jay Leno
Why does everybody dye food green? Green doughnuts, green cookies, green
bagels . . . we won’t eat any real food that’s green — spinach,
broccoli, lettuce — but dye a Cinnabon green . . .
~Jay Leno
What’s going on with Geraldine Ferraro? She said a leprechaun wouldn’t
be in the position he’s in if he wasn’t green.
~Jay Leno
Things are not looking good for the Democratic Party. In fact the
tension between Barack and Hillary is almost as bad as the tension
between Bill and Hillary.
~Jay Leno
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Tomorrow, of course, is Let’s Join AA Day.
~David Letterman
They were celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in Washington. President Bush
was so confused. He came out onto the White House lawn and pardoned the
corn beef.
~David Letterman
Tragedy today. Mayor Bloomberg was in the St. Patrick’s Day parade, and
he was hit by a jumping stock broker.
~David Letterman
We had our famous St. Patrick’s Day parade today. It started out on 44th
Street and ended up in rehab.
~Conan O’Brien
Today Hillary Clinton said the war would end up costing $1 trillion. She
wasn’t talking about Iraq, she was talking about her war with Barack
Obama.
~Conan O’Brien
Did you hear? A bar in New York City has banned the song “Danny Boy.” On
St. Patrick’s Day! Isn’t that outrageous? It’s like West Hollywood
banning the song “It’s Raining Men.”
~Craig Ferguson
John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as president would be
to introduce the Iraqi people to the concept of the early bird special.
~Jay Leno
Here’s a sure sign spring is around the corner: Donald Trump evicted a
family of robins out of his hair.
~David Letterman
According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink.
It’s for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks.
~Conan O’Brien
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TNT PLAYROOMZ
NAKED SATURDAY
Who doesn't look forward to getting
NAKED on Saturday? Let Noiz and Tiger
help you get naked and make you laugh
at the same time. Jokes, toons, pics and
Female or Shemale?
Click us, and then get naked!
TNT_Playroomz-Naked-@yahoogroups.com
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FOX NEWS GETS EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO NEXT FOUR WARS
Washington, D.C. - In a first-of-its-kind deal, Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumsfeld announced today that Fox News has won the bidding war
for the exclusive broadcast rights for the next four wars to be fought
by the United States.
Although details of the deal are classified as "Top Secret," this
reporter has learned that Fox's winning bid was well in excess of nine
figures.
Lawrence Kropotkin, vice president of special programming at Fox,
confirmed that the deal was the most expensive in the cable news
channel's history. "Yeah, it's a lotta dough," said Mr. Kropotkin,
"But the back end is gonna be a goldmine."
Already Fox's advertising department is busily at work designing
logos, catchphrases and lines of merchandising for the following
upcoming wars:
North Korea: "Operation Pyongyang Gangbang"
Syria: "Operation Whup-Ass Damascus"
Iran: "Operation Payback"
France: "Operation Ingrate"
© Copyright 2008 All rights reserved. Broken Newz, The Internet's
Premiere Satire News
*****
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
*****
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as
reading sex manuals without the software.
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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TNT PLAYROOMZ-NOIZPLAYZ
Yep...NoizPlayz...
Come along every now and again and play with me. You can't expect it,
but I hope you'll look
forward to it. As soon as I think of something really cool, check your
inbox for a lot
of NOIZ...and a lot of weird, nasty and funny!
You won't see a lot of things you've seen before...and that's a good
thing!!!
If you don't laugh or feel all tingly inside after playing with me...
your money will be graciously refunded!!!
Click the link below...hmmm, that felt good!
TNT_Playroomz-Noi-@yahoogroups.com
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When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living
room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the
couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she
yelled, “Watch yourself, mister, or you’re going to make me do something
I don’t want to do.”“Wow,” I thought, “I can’t believe I’m going to get
a fucking blow job out of this.”
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new new toons & pix daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental proportions on their
hands; they don't know whether to vote for the "Nut" with two Boobs or
the "Boob" with two Nuts.
~thanks to garythexton
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A guy is driving around the back woods
of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front
of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner appears
and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog speak, he says,
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up & says, "Well, I discovered
that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told them.
In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I
decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible stuff and was
awarded a bunch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and
asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did
any of that stuff."
~thanks to RSommers
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Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00
in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12
November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is
paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6)
hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my
total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips
Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper
detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).
One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
~thanks to ACDottie
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Federal Tax Rebate Information
As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each one of us would
now get a nice rebate to help stimulate the economy.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will
help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that
money here at home is to buy beer or spend it on prostitution, since
those are the only businesses still in the U.S.
Remember…Buy American!
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All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny
• Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
• Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
• Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
• There's no such thing as too much candy.
• All work and no play can make you a basket case.
• A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
• Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
• Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
• Some body parts should be floppy.
• Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
• The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
• An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
• To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
• The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
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A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first,
he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too
hot. Then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on
for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and
never once getting angry.
So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out
the pest.
"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an
air conditioner."
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Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get
through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
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Xtreme Parting Thought
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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