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Wednesday Edition
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Pat L
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Mar 26, 2008 17:14 PST
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IMPORTANT NOTICE:
XTREME HUMOR IS MOVING TO YAHOOGROUPS...
..and I would love for you to come along for the ride!
Send a blank email to:
xtremehumor-@yahoogroups.com
You will receive a confirmation email from Yahoo that you must reply to.
You will then be added. After you add yourself, I will turn off your
subscription for Topica, so that you aren't receiving 2 emails for
Xtreme.
Thank you for your continued support!
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten U.S. Airways Excuses
10. Thought it would be fun to shoot empty liquor bottles
9. Air traffic controller's "Clear to land" misheard as "Squeeze off a
round"
8. Media never reports when plane takes off and pilot's gun doesn't go
off
7. Pilot thought he saw one of them "Cloverfield" Godzillas — Buy
"Cloverfield" on DVD April 22nd
6. Oh, like you've never fired a weapon onboard a passenger plane before
5. Don't worry — His parole officer was in the cockpit
4. Chillax, bro
3. This is what happens when you let Dick Cheney fly a plane — Did you
see it coming folks?
2. If you didn't want gunplay, maybe you should have flown United
1. Pilot distraught after picking Duke to win it all
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
President Bush spoke about the war in Iraq again today. This week marks
the fifth anniversary of the beginning of the war. Bush said turning
back now would harm all the gains we’ve made. You know, like 100 dollars
for a barrel of oil, a worthless dollar, a recession.
~Jay Leno
Today John McCain was in England where he visited his birthplace . . .
Stonehenge.
~Jay Leno
A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary
Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more
popular with guys who like a “cold one.”
~Conan O’Brien
John McCain is now 10 percent ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7 percent
ahead of Barack Obama. This is after Iraq, a recession, and no
healthcare. Imagine if the Republicans had actually done something.
~Jay Leno
John McCain received a warm welcome in Israel. He’s always been hugely
popular in Israel, ever since he stood with the Jewish people against
the pharaoh.
~Jay Leno
Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has reportedly entered therapy for a
sex addiction. Spitzer said his therapy is going well and that his
therapist has a fantastic rack.
~Conan O’Brien
In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds with gusts up to 50
miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former Governor
McGreevey off his chauffeur.
~Conan O’Brien
A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to
anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile,
Exxon says they’ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy.
~Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, kids all over America spent the day looking for Easter eggs.
Today, parents in New York at Bear Stearns spent the day trying to find
their nest eggs.
~Jay Leno
Today at the White House, President Bush hosted the annual Easter Egg
Roll, where kids roll Easter eggs across the White House lawn with
spoons. What fun that must be for kids — if this was 1908.
~Jay Leno
Big controversy after State Department officials looked at passport
files for the three major candidates. Turns out they got a hold of John
McCain’s Social Security number. Know what it is? 3.
~Jay Leno
Yesterday’s Easter Egg Hunt in Central Park was amazing. They found
1,500 eggs. Fifteen hundred eggs. And three dead guys.
~David Letterman
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):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)
Every Body needs a Stupid Joke!
Stupid Jokes (PG 18)
STUPIDJOKE-@yahoogroups.com
Monday Thru Friday, The Stupidest Jokes on the Internet!
):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)
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Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline.
They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold.
During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically
their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the story: you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
*****
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the
neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a
room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John
The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!" The other guy looks at him and
declares, "I did not!"
*****
Since his wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband decides
to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable 'mistake' which might
happen, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the
poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes staring widely into the empty
air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the
cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed. Here, take this and go to
the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But
remember that this happens only once. OK? Don't ever talk about it or
ask me to do this again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may
change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and
says with much disappointment, "She said this isn't enough. She wants
sixty dollars."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger.
"Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over
here, I only charged him fifty!"
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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Join This Group If You Like Adult Laughter
Over 21 Jokes
Adult Jokes and Adult Cartoons
No Nudity UNLESS RELATED TO HUMOR & No Chat
To Join Click
over21jokes-@yahoogroups.com
You will get about 50+ emails a day
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The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned.”
“What is it, child?” ”Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice
A day I gaze at myself in the
mirror and tell myself How beautiful I am.” The priest turned, took a
good look at the girl,and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t
a sin - it’s Only a mistake.”
~thanks to www.lefturn.wordpress.com
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new new toons & pix daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting
conversation and it got around to their daughters. The brunette said, "I
went in my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes,
I didn't even know she smoked!" The red head said, "I went in my
daughter's room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even
know she drank!" Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my
daughter's room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even
know she had a penis!"
~thanks to garythexton
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Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So
he asks the biker his name. “Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer
asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a
last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his
hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time. So I stayed to myself studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical, school, internship, residency, and finally got my
degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a
doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got
all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, DDS."
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with
VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then
I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD." "Then the AMA found out about the
ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD."
"Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
~thanks to RSommers
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A first grade teacher had to leave the class room to go to the office
for a couple of minutes so she told the class to color while she was
gone. She returned a few minutes later and the students were busy
coloring but when she returned to her desk there was a puddle behind it.
She told the class that someone had an accident and they would they all
close their eyes and put their heads down on their desks and the person
could then come up and clean it up. There was a pitter patter of feet up
and back. She said they could raise their heads. and next to the puddle
was another one and scribbled on the blackboard was" the phantom strikes
again"
~thanks to The Earl of Bodfish
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Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately
and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you
can solve," the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later,
sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of
heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He
went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message
read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid
the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his
comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively,
sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight
dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having
learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and
the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once
again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed
the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
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On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small
forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer,
while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee
man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to
his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.
"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side
of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky
farmer asked."Well, " the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed
off three of his legs and he's still trapped."
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Why Oreos Are Better Than Men
(compiled by little Keebler elves)
10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
And the # 1 reason is....
1. The creamy white stuff tastes good.
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True Story from Houston Medical Center
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you are married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.
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Xtreme Parting Thought
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and
look comfortable.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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