|
Sunday Edition
|
Pat L
|
Mar 30, 2008 08:53 PST
|
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IMPORTANT NOTICE:
XTREME HUMOR IS MOVING TO YAHOOGROUPS...
..and I would love for you to come along for the ride!
Send a blank email to:
xtremehumor-@yahoogroups.com
You will receive a confirmation email from Yahoo that you must reply to.
You will then be added. After you add yourself, I will turn off your
subscription for Topica, so that you aren't receiving 2 emails for
Xtreme.
Thank you for your continued support!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your College Basketball Team Is Not Going To Make The NCAA
Basketball Tournament
10. When team makes a basket, everyone hugs and squeels, "Yipee!"
9. Players look like the fat guy from "Lost"
8. Coach keeps pronouncing NCAA "NICKAHHHHH
7. Before hitting the court, team eats lovely meal of fettuccine alfredo
6. They spend timeouts discussing who will win "American Idol"
5. Team let shot clock expire because they enjoy the buzz
4. School's mascot is a giant asthma inhaler
3. Players regularly leave the game early to beat traffic
2. Point guard is leading the league in hernias
1. They score less than Eliot Spitzer
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Late Night
Two State Department officials were fired — this is a bit of a scandal —
because they were looking at Barack Obama’s passport files. Not only
that, the same person was looking at John McCain’s Civil War record.
~David Letterman
The White House held their annual Easter Egg Roll. They do it every
year. And just like every year, the president got all confused again . .
. he ordered the egg roll and a side of rice.
~Craig Ferguson
People magazine has published the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s
twins. I got all excited and went out and bought the magazine . . . and
it’s pictures of her children! Not what I expected at all.
~Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our guest tonight, but she got pinned
down by sniper fire.
~Jay Leno
Hillary’s campaign is claiming she misspoke when she said she landed
under gun fire during her trip to Bosnia. Turns out it was gun fire on a
trip to L.A.
~Jay Leno
What a beautiful day here in New York City. Such a beautiful day, that
new governor, David Paterson? He was using drugs in the park.
~David Letterman
You can tell it’s spring because that governor and his wife had a
foursome with Ben & Jerry.
~David Letterman
Hollywood news: Pamela Andersen got an annulment from her marriage. You
have to hope things will work out better for whoever she marries next
month.
~David Letterman
Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie.
Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets.
Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me
like the co-star of “Jingle all the Way.” Sinbad went on a trip to
Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the
Week on Lifetime or something. “Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker,
and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?”
~Craig Ferguson
Crazy if Hillary’s campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened
before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar
by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain.
~Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone
away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama’s campaign is all about
hope — hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in
trouble.
~Craig Ferguson
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
S & T Jokes & Toons
Come, join in and start laughing the pounds away. Anyone can join,
anyone can send. Get great jokes & toons sent to your inbox.
No spam allowed. To join send a blank e-mail to
sandt-jokesandt-@yahoogroups.com
or check out the home page at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sandt-jokesandtoons
Must be 18 or older to join
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ER resident began his examination by asking his patient, "Now,
sir, what brought you to the hospital?" The man replied, "An ambulance."
*****
A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check
and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted,
the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem:
the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with
passing a bad check twice.
*****
It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were
standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria" and singing it
beautifully. Oddly, each one of them was holding a red apple in one
hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in
wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a
retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have
ever heard." "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they
called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor! "It's The
Moron Tapanapple Choir."
~thanks to Stan Kegel
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's good! It's funny! It's free!
Subscribe to "Nuthin' But 'Net" and
receive 7 jokes a day, 7 days per week.
From "G" to "OMG!" Ratings, with "X" as the median
Send a blank Email to: nuthinbutne-@yahoogroups.com
Or visit:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nuthinbutnet/
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks her,
“Do you know the difference between a ham sandwich and a blowjob?”
The woman is somewhat confused and says, “No, I don’t.”
So the man then asks, “Well then, would you like to have lunch?”
~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new new toons & pix daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Almost seven years ago I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and
watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W.
Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished
as I later watched the Clintons board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun
salute to the outgoing President and first lady. It was then that I
realized how far America's military had deteriorated under the Clinton
administration.
Every last one of them missed.
~thanks to garythexton
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three women are chatting about their relationships. One is engaged,
one married, and one a mistress. They decide to amaze their
men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style,
stiletto's and mask over their eyes .
After a few days the three met again.
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos
and mask. He saw me and said: 'you are the woman of my life,
I love you'...then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask
over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did
not say anything.... .but we had wild sex all night.
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says:
"Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"
~thanks to RSommers
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH
ways.. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I
was going to lay a bunch of stuff like that on kids about how hard I
had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean,
compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia! and I hate to say
it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!
l. When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the
card catalog!
2. There was no email! We had to actually WRITE somebody a letter ...
with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put
it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had
to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to
wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually
talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
4. We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone
rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom,
your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just
didn't know!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space Invaders" and "Asteroids", and the graphics were horrible! Your
guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens ... it was just one screen
forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder
and harder. Just like Life!
7. When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as
stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or
some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you
were just screwed!
8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon
Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do
you hear what I'm saying?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
9. And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up,
we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we
wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing or a pan with
HOT oil and real popcorn kernels, and shake it all over the stove
forever like an idiot.
10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked
in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7-foot cord that ran to the
phone ... not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough
length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in
our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom ... guess what we
had to do ... hang up and talk to them later.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards, The Over 30 Crowd
~thanks to thetopk9
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as
we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2008 Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work
will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick
Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to
mispronounce over 200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he
just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."
"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher
was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the
group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer,
she's a lawyer' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, she's dead."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in
a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing
her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
'God...If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,'
she prayed.
And just like that... her ears fell off.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Xtreme Parting Thought
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
|
|
 |
|
