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Wednesday Edition
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Pat L
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Apr 02, 2008 16:37 PST
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IMPORTANT NOTICE:
XTREME HUMOR IS MOVING TO YAHOOGROUPS...
..and I would love for you to come along for the ride!
Send a blank email to:
xtreme-@yahoogroups.com
You will receive a confirmation email from Yahoo that you must reply to.
You will then be added. After you add yourself, I will turn off your
subscription for Topica, so that you aren't receiving 2 emails for
Xtreme.
Thank you for your continued support!
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball
10. At dinner party, you make guests tip off for every pork chop
9. You got a tattoo of Jim Nantz where a tattoo of Jim Nantz shouldn't
be
8. You name your child "Gonzaga"
7. Just checked into rehab to kick $500-a-day nacho cheese addiction
6. Got a 35-second shot clock in your bedroom — it's an oldie but a
goodie, folks
5. Constantly asking, "What would Michigan State coach Tom Izzo do?"
4. Snack plus lack of activity equals sweet sixteen chins
3. You're so caught up in basketball, you don't even care that "The
Hills" Audrina is about to go on her first date since breaking up with
Justin Bobby
2. Kick everyone's ass in Scrabble by putting "Krzyzewski" on triple
word score
1. You'll watch anything leathery and orange on CBS — even Letterman
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was under fire
while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing her Kevlar pantsuit at
the time.
~Jay Leno
Is this a big deal? All candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran
in 2000? He had to retract a claim that he was under cannon fire from
the Confederates.
~Jay Leno
Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden. They have a
contortionist that’s so good, Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink.
~David Letterman
I want to clarify something: The Ringling Bros. is a three-ring circus.
The governor and Mrs. McGreevey is a three-way circus.
~David Letterman
I don’t think I’m going to the circus this year; if I want to see clowns
at Madison Square Garden, I’ll go to a Knicks game.
~David Letterman
Not such a great day for Robin Williams. His wife is filing for divorce.
According to the paper, the cause for his divorce is every film he’s
done since 1997.
~Craig Ferguson
Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper’s parachute. He’s wanted by
the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called the kids; he wants his
pants back.
~Craig Ferguson
D.B. Cooper is the only criminal to get away by jumping from a plane. I
want to sky dive. Sky diving is good for finding out what you’d look
like with a facelift.
~Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama is back from his vacation in the Virgin Islands. He played
a lot of shuffleboard while he was there. He’s pretty smart — he’s doing
that in case John McCain challenges him to a duel.
~Jay Leno
New revelations about the whole Hillary Clinton-Bosnia thing. Turns out
she went there to hire a sniper.
~Jay Leno
Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the creator of the
Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret to a long life was to never
eat Egg McMuffins.
~Jimmy Kimmel
Arizona Sen. John McCain has pulled ahead of both Barack Obama and
Hillary Clinton in recent polls. If elected he will be 105 when he takes
office.
~Jimmy Kimmel
It looks like there is more fudging on Hillary's record. Remember when
she said she was “deeply involved with the Irish peace process?” Turns
out she just saw “Lord of the Dance."
~Jay Leno
In a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Sen. Bob Casey Jr., who had
said he would remain neutral, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he did
it because his four young daughters told him they wanted Obama for
president. Which also explains his choice for vice president: Hannah
Montana.
~Jay Leno
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+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+The Thieving Joker +~~+~~+~~+~~+~
All the best jokes on the net, BEFORE they show up on every joke list.
The Thieving Joker tries not publish the same joke twice.
Warning! The jokes are often adult-oriented. You have been warned!
Subscribe! mailto:Thieving_Jok-@yahoogroups.com
Check out our site! http://www.thievingjoker.net
+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~
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A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months.
They've been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives
with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.
They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room,
whilst the old man watches telly in the back room.
Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad: she in turn is
the apple of his eye. So naturally, he's worried sick about her
wellbeing and eventually just has to break off from watching Panorama to
knock gently on the living room door.
The girl opens it.
"Hi Sue, you couldn't make me a cup of tea, could you?"
"Course I can Dad," she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put
the kettle on.
Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a
word.
"Look, son," he says. "I remember when I was your age, pulling the
birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I'm worried about our Sue."
"Why, what's up with her?" replies the lad.
"Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina."
"Oh, I know..." says the lad. "... great pair of tits too!"
*****
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his
license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to
have to spend the night in jail. "What's the charge?" Mr. Schwarz
demanded. "No charge," replied the officer. "It's all part of the
service."
*****
One day, 3 unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company
was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if
they could get themselves a job. After filing out their applications,
one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were
waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to
the hiring boss. The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was
such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent
reason at his last job. Also a second was said to have had cracked up
after severe mental stress. The third, he believed was their father who
he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it. The hiring
boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something
easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they
would be kept on. The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss
where he thought they should start. The boss replied, "Why not take them
and put them in our Cereal Division...
Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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FUNNERS
Adult-Humor from G (oh yeh) to X (oh my)!
Come Join Our FUN! This is a group for you to share jokes, links, music,
poetry, pics, cartoons and adult cartoons.
If you are 18 or older, come on in, get comfy and enjoy the FUN!!
JustForFunFor-@yahoogroups.com
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/JustForFunForYou/join
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A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little boy
says, “Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all
night.
She sleeps during the day” The salesman scratches his head and says,
“Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch” The little boy replies, “I’m a bastard
myself, but I don’t go around ringing people’s doorbells and telling
them about it.”
~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new new toons & pix daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt !!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let
such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a
pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he
said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them
out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put
talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder...... It's
'Miracle Grow'."
~thanks to garythexton
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I can tell how a man makes love...
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could
open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes
love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his
key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a
rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the
hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick
the lock."
~thanks to RSommers
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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a
monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down.* Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fixes his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound no
like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to
his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out
what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find
these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks
on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a
gathering of all the Monks." In my quest to find what makes that
beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows
what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is
honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now
show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find
a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and
diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door. The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind
that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.
Yes, you can scream now !
~thanks to num
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Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up with
a vagina for a day
1. Immediately go shopping for a huge cucumber and zucchinni.
2. Squat over a hand held mirror for 2 hours.
3. See if he could actually do the splits.
4. See if it's possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
5. Cross his legs with out rearranging.
6. Get picked up at a bar in less than 10 minutes before closing
time.
7. Have multiple orgasms and still be ready for more, without
taking a nap first.
8. Go to a gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
recorded on video.
9. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breast.
10. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!
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On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an
afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks,
but were unsure of the hotel's policy.
My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was
familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right
if he brought a Playmate to the pool.
After a pause, the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?"
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Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his
car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did
for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it."
So Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof," Mike turned into a hotel.
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As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners
at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery
department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the
surgeons, I passed several patients and their families
in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes
your anesthesiologist."
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Xtreme Parting Thought
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt
pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost
its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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