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Sunday Edition
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Pat L
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Apr 06, 2008 12:41 PDT
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IMPORTANT NOTICE:
XTREME HUMOR IS MOVING TO YAHOOGROUPS...
..and I would love for you to come along for the ride!
Send a blank email to:
xtremehumor-@yahoogroups.com
You will receive a confirmation email from Yahoo that you must reply to.
You will then be added. After you add yourself, I will turn off your
subscription for Topica, so that you aren't receiving 2 emails for
Xtreme.
Thank you for your continued support!
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Least Popular Dr. Seuss Books
10. Green Eggs And E. Coli
9. Osama's In Pajamas
8. How The Grinch Stole His Sports Memorabilia Back At Gunpoint
7. One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State
6. The Hump Known As Trump
5. If I Ran The Knicks
4. The Cat In The Hat That Fell In The Applebee's Deep Fryer
3. Oh The Places You Won't Go Because Of Tougher Immigration Laws
2. Horton Hears A Who Via An Illegal Government Wiretap
1. Hop On Spitzer
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
John McCain is having trouble raising money, but a lot of people think
that’s because he's doing it the old-guy way. You know — the
metal-detector at the beach.
~Jay Leno
New York Gov. David Paterson, who in the first two weeks in office has
admitted to having a number of extramarital affairs and doing drugs, now
says that he will no longer talk about his personal life. Well thank God
he made the decision before he said anything embarrassing.
~Jay Leno
I like that John McCain. He looks like the guy who can’t remember if he
took his pill.
~David Letterman
People are pressuring Hillary Clinton to quit. This weekend Bill Clinton
said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. When asked
why, Bill said, “Because then she’d come home.”
~Conan O’Brien
Over the weekend, Bill Clinton said that people who were urging Hillary
to get out of the race were wasting their time. He said, “If it were
that easy to get Hillary to leave, I would have done it years ago.”
~Craig Ferguson
Hillary finally admitted to “exaggerating” about being under sniper fire
in Bosnia. In the old country we call it a different word — lying.
~Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia today and told the crowd that she’s
like the movie character “Rocky” . . . now if I remember the movie
correctly doesn’t Rocky get the crap beat out him and then loses to the
black guy? Isn’t that what happened?
~Jay Leno
On a lighter note, Hillary Clinton announced that her favorite music
group is the Rolling Stones. She said they were the first concert she
ever went to. John McCain said the first concert he ever attended was
two guys pounding on a log with sticks to celebrate successful wooly
mammoth hunt.
~Jay Leno
Kathy Lee Gifford is returning to television. She will be hosting the
Today Show. Here’s the scary thing: President Bush knew but failed to
act.
~David Letterman
What a battle the Democrats are having. It’s costly, and they say
Hillary Clinton's campaign is out of money. It may be true: Earlier
today she was shopping at Pantsuits for Less.
~David Letterman
Barack Obama went bowling and he scored an incredibly low 37. So today,
Hillary Clinton challenged him to a bowl off. I’ve never seen Hillary
bowl, but based on her haircut, I’m betting she’s really good.
~Conan O’Brien
John McCain is having trouble raising money for his campaign. Whenever
he does raise money, he puts it in a card and sends it to his
grandchildren.
~Conan O’Brien
Raul Castro says he wants to modernize transportation in Cuba. He said,
“For instance, we just made a raft with cup holders.”
~Conan O’Brien
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The Asylm
Chaos in Uniform
The name says it all!!
Witty stories about the navy, marines, army and more..
Brought to you by Freddy.
This is a free adult ezine, and loads of fun.
To subscribe, send a blank email to:
Subscribe:
TA_Chaos-subscribe@yahoogroups
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When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to
their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body, while the Pediatricians said,
'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt
the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in
administration.
*****
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
*****
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off her
barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Wanda," her
buddy said to the bartender, "she knows when to stop."
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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TNT PLAYROOMZ
Jokez and Toonz
Just wanna' laugh?
Noiz and Tiger search the Web to find you the funniest jokes and
the best cartoons. Do you think you have a funny original joke?
Send it in and you are the Jokester of the week !
Your joke.....Your name...and a tag from
Tiger or Noiztagz.
TNT_Playroomz-Jokez-@yahoogroups.com
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No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found disapproval
from his mother. A friend gave him advice. “Find a girl just like your
mother — then, she’s bound to like her.” So the young man searched and
searched, and finally found the girl. He told his friendly adviser:”Just
like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed, and even
cooked like my mother; and just as you said, my mother liked her”.”So,”
asked the friend, “what happened?”"Nothing, ” said the young man. “My
father fucking hates her.”
~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new new toons & pix daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!
~thanks to garythexton
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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the devil out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
~thanks to RSommers
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Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex,
too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"
~thanks to num
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A redneck is driving down a back road in Alabama.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"
~thanks to gbrownis
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Things Overheard At The Dinner Table That Show You're Child Is A Pirate
“You can flog me, but I’m not eating creamed spinach.”
“I’ve buried me treasure in the mashed potatoes.”
“I’ll need another ration of grog if you expect me to eat these peas.”
“Your tuna noodle casserole would be perfect to fill cracks in the
deck.”
“This chicken tastes like the parrot I was forced to eat after being
marooned on an island for 30 days.”
“I wouldn’t serve brussel sprouts to even the prisoners in the brig.”
“If I eat all my food, can I plunder the neighbors before I go to bed?”
“This burger is fatty enough to grease a mast.”
“Too many vegetables -- too little shark.”
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A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property.
He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and
followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver
pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.
"Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?"
the driver asked. "Nope," the farmer replied.
"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction
it is from here?" "Nope."
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know
very much, do you?" he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."
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Olympic runner Marion Jones admitted to lying about taking steroids.
She got the maximum sentence: six months in prison.
The good news? Because she's the fastest woman on earth, she'll be able
to serve it in three days, 28 minutes.
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Xtreme Parting Thought
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver
the mail?
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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