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Wednesday Edition
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Pat L
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Apr 09, 2008 16:18 PDT
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IMPORTANT NOTICE:
XTREME HUMOR IS MOVING TO YAHOOGROUPS...
..and I would love for you to come along for the ride!
Send a blank email to:
mailto:xtremehumor-@yahoogroups.com
You will receive a confirmation email from Yahoo that you must reply to.
You will then be added. After you add yourself, I will turn off your
subscription for Topica, so that you aren't receiving 2 emails for
Xtreme.
Thank you for your continued support!
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Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions On The Job Application For New York Knicks President
10. Are you deeply committed to sucking?
9. Any suggestions for new ways to rip-off fans and overpay players?
8. Can you promise to deliver New York a winning team within 25 years?
7. Are you a cop?
6. Are you cool with Isiah Thomas calling you "Bitch"?
5. Can you transform this team from laughing stock to lovable losers?
4. Can you transform this team from laughing stock to lovable losers?
3. Do you mind the circus making the arena smell "Elephanty"?
2. Do you have any friends who can play center, power forward, point
guard or shooting guard?
1. Are you insane?
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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!
vaxh-@hotmail.com
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Late Night
It looks like Barack Obama has taken a 10-point lead over Hillary
Clinton. You know they say that behind every successful man there is a
woman; unfortunately for Hillary, it’s her.
~Jay Leno
Bush’s secretary of housing is stepping down. Well, sure! No one’s got a
house anymore . . . he’s got nothing to do!
~Jay Leno
John McCain is looking for a vice presidential running mate. He needs a
guy who is conservative, who understands the economy, and who knows how
to operate a defibrillator.
~David Letterman
Hillary Clinton has come up with another ad where she answers the phone
at 3 a.m. After she handles the crisis, she asks, “By the way, have you
seen my husband?”
~Conan O’Brien
In Germany, a woman went to a plastic surgeon to have her wrinkles
removed. When she woke up, the doctor had given her breast implants.
Afterwards, the doctor said, “Hey — no one’s looking at her wrinkles
anymore.”
~Conan O’Brien
Not such a great day at CBS. They’re laying off a bunch of news guys.
Apparently they have to make room for Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
~Craig Ferguson
John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. You see, he
has Life Alert.
~Jay Leno
John Corzine, governor of New Jersey and Clinton superdelegate, says he
might switch his allegiance to Barack Obama. But this is not
unprecedented. He would not be the first governor of New Jersey to
switch from a woman to a guy.
~Jay Leno
Here’s a sure sign it’s spring in New York City: Earlier today,
construction workers were giving the Statue of Liberty a bikini wax.
~David Letterman
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Want MORE fun?
Think Humor-Exprezz
Subscribe for free now!
Humor-Exprez-@googlegroups.com
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There's a deaf guy who became a scuba diving geologist. He works with
two deaf friends and they get a lot done at their dive sites as they can
communicate easily under water with sign language. He has made it his
business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and
undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the
summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air. --
You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.
*****
This story, sent in by David Hughe of the U. K., involves a judge who
was hearing an alimony case. He was known for the strict way he ran
proceedings, allowing no humour or other (in his opinion) wasted
words. He ruled with a rod of iron and woe betide anyone who incurred
his wrath.
In the witness box was what we call a Mrs. Mop type of woman, not very
well educated or articulate and dressed in hair curlers and a pinafore
no less.
A rather pompous barrister addressed her, thus. "Tell me Mrs. Smith", he
intoned in la-dedah tones, "What were the financial arrangements towards
you regarding your ex husband?"
The lady rambled on along the lines of, "Well let me see now... Ah...
yes... that's right... he was to make anus payments of £1,0000.00."
Of course the court wanted to laugh uproariously at the malapropism
(she clearly meant 'Annual') but, knowing the judge's views on such
frivolity, simply stuffed their collective handkerchiefs into their
mouth, shaking with necessarily silent merriment in the process.
However, either intentionally or otherwise, it was the judge himself
who then lightened the atmosphere considerably by looking over his
spectacles at the witness and declaring, "Mmmm, I've heard of the
expression 'paying through the nose' but the arrangement you have
described seems extraordinary."
*****
Due to environmental regulations in Orange County, they can't empty a
plane's lavatory waste there. The drain in Wayne stays mainly on the
plane.
~thanks to Stan Kegel
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S & T Lesbians
Cum, join in and see women with other women.
Get 5 pictures of woman on woman action sent to your
inbox a few times a week. To join, send a blank e-mail to
sandt_lesbia-@yahoogroups.com
or check out the home page at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sandt_lesbians
Must be 18 or older to join
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It looked like the car was stranded on a lonely road, so the farmer
pulled up along side and asked, “What’s the matter? Out of gas?” “No,”
came the answer from the guy inside. “Engine trouble?” “No.” “Tire
down?” “No, didn’t have to.”
~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/
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Check out my web page for more fun! Adding new new toons & pix daily!
http://keboch.wordpress.com
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Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I
wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage
to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!", says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"Well, I went to meet her yesterday evening," continues Paul, "but I was
worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my
penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible.", says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
~thanks to garythexton
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. And
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE
Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes.
'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, But
'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.
~thanks to RSommers
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A cop pulls a driver over for swerving between two lanes he asks the
driver if he is drinking and he replies "All depends..are you buying?"
A cop pulls a driver for speeding and says "do you know how fast you
were driving?" He answered "no do you?"
One of my all time favorites is the trucker who stops at a cafe for
lunch and four bikers come in and harass him, they spill his coffee take
some of his food and trip him as he is leaving. One of the bikers turns
to the waitress and says " he wasn't much of a man" She replied he isn't
much of a truck driver either he just ran over four motorcycles.
~Thanks to The Earl of Bodfish
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The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at
the table; Mr. & Mrs. Smith and their little son. Jonathan.
She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"
He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled
cheese sandwiches."
He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "You have bread, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
This kid is eight years old!!
The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will
fix you a grilled cheese sandwich."
She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan,
the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I
forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink."
He says, "I'll have a milkshake."
She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told
you we don't serve milkshakes." She was ready for him this
time. She says, "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is
true we have ice cream. But we don't have the syrup."
He says, "You have a car, don't you?"
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Dennis Miller's Advice to Men About What Women Want
1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2 - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer
her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power
they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable
childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get
off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress
blathering about orphanages.
4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at ...
say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could
kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady
idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo ...
5 - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your
daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
6 - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out.
Words are kind of important.
7 - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars
to have women their own age in their videos.
8 - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you
should *know* if she came.
9 - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for
directions.
10 - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in
your sleep, take it like a man.
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An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain
saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman
recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably
impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is
defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's
wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
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During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was
discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out
that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that ...Who was 'HE?'"
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Xtreme Parting Thought
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body,
then only left handed people are in their right mind.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.
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